I remember you posting a long time ago saying you sent a message to your ED asking her if she wanted to see her sick g.ma as there didn't seem to be much time left. I don't know why it's taken her so long to respond, but since you did extend the invitation I think you should honor it. I think it shows that these EC take a long time to process what's going on, or may not have a chance to communicate without being "found out". You can't be telling others you don't want communication with your family and then be caught reaching out. You can give your mom the number and have her make the arrangements. She can be told that you'll stay in the distance and let her have the time with her g.ma. I don't think it's giving in. EC have to understand that we still respect and love them. I would warn your mom though that she may not follow through. EC seem to throw crumbs and then take them back.

Thank you feeling. Not sure what is driving this either. Not sure she is capable of guilt. True about being a person of my word. I must not let self get in the way. God bless you.

you did encourage the interaction, so i agree and invite her in.. decorate the house, lite the candles bake cookies , have coffee perking, have music playing. I would give her sights and smells to try to trigger memories for her. be happy and show her u enjoy life. she may start thinking, and i wouldnt hide , if able let her see grdma out in the room with all the decorations... but again be prepared for disappointment, she may not show.. she just may show with the bf, they may wonder, what story is true here... enjoy your holiday

I would love to do it that way glazzbird but she said in the text she did not want to see anyone else. I have lots of people under the roof.Should we all move out to accommodate her?

I tried to put myself in your place by imagining my ES calling and saying that he and DIL would like to visit my DH but my DIL did not want me there. So I write based on what I would HOPE the encounter would play out. In our situation though, our son would be welcomed and I think it would be a good visit based on an encouter we had with him in Boston when he flew up from VA for his dad's surgery and DIL stayed home. But a visit that included someone that wants no part of me would definitely play out differently.

First, would I agree to those conditions? Absolutely not! It is arrogant and disrespectful to the both of us. It is your home, she is your child even though she is now 22 and of age. I would ask her how she would respond if you wanted to visit her but did not want her boyfriend nor the bf's parents to be present there either. You might have to be prepared for an answer like..."that would be fine with them though" :-( I would just let her know that it will be on your terms but that you have no intentions of making it difficult to spend time with her grandmother.

If she agrees to that then I would just be yourself and let your love shine through your actions rather than trying to use the opportunity to talk TO her about any of the issues between the two of you. Be sincere in anything you do say while letting your actions speak louder than your words.

Smile when you open the door and go out of your way to be nice. Don't get discouraged if her behavior stays the same or even gets worse at first because it's likely that she will be suspicious of your nice gestures if she is being bothered by her conscience at all. Let her know that you can be trusted to forgive even if that has to be in the future, not the present. This will at least show her that you do not hate her for what she has done. Hopefully, that will relax her enough to possibly have dialogue with you later on.

Be cautious, but no cold, while testing the waters before allowing yourself to try and seize the moment and push to hard. It might further strengthen her resolve not to bother again in the future. Even though it is your daughter, maintain a "freind-like distance" until she proves to you that she can be trusted.

Everyone has given great advice. I especially love glazzbird's advice about the setting of the home and having our mother sitting in the living room. Also the smells to trigger a memory. And, remember, it is YOUR home. No one should have to leave for the "princess" to come. Let her see how happy you all are, if your husband or you greet her, smile, then maybe go about whatever so that she can visit with grandma, maybe after awhile come in with a plate of cookies and coffee for them to share.

I have found that our EC want us to look sad; be sad. Let them see that we miss them but life goes on when they aren't around as well.

Good luck - I'll be praying for you.

Yes! And Guelsmom is on the spot again. I totally agree. Our ECs always have a way of taking what we put out there lovingly and adding demands on them that are ridiculous in their 'fight' to have control. It is your house and there are people staying there/living there. Your mom is 93 and I wouldn't want to leave her alone in bad health so that your ED can come and go without having to face anyone else. Guelsmom, thank you for your words of wisdom that help so many of us.

I personally would accommodate her request. If your mother dies and your daughter doesn't get to see her you will live with that regret.

Thank you all my dear friends. I turn to The Lord and you. I will send her a note letting her know she is welcome to visit Grandma. She will not get it for a few days. No more texting with her as her responses of "leave me alone" got too painful to read.

DH agrees with you all that if she wants to come see Grandma she will have to do so with family around and without special accommodations.

God bless you dear folks.

I agree with forgottenmomnn, it would be terrible for everyone if your mother passed away without your daughter having the opportunity to have time with her. Possibly, seeing her grandmother at the last part of her life might help her to have an appreciation for the fragility of life. Maybe this could be an opportunity for growth, and renewed connection with you. I think it would be detrimental to your entire family if you do not honor your daughters request to see her grandmother.

Im sorry, I know that I am not supposed to be on here. Just sooooo lonely and the pain meds keep me awake.

I did not read all the responses. My first thought and it didn't change through the few comments I saw is different than what you are saying here at the end. I personally ( I wouldn't like it ) would be willing to leave my house if my mother couldn't be without you, in order for the daughter to see her without the drama of your estrangement. This is between her grandmother and her. Your mother just happens to be in your home. If you don't agree to her terms and her grandmother passes, you may lose any chance of reconciliation. Try to see it as what is best for your mother now. At the end of my life if I didn't see my grandchildren it would break my heart.

Please know it is only my humble opinion. I pray it all works out. Please keep us posted. I promise now to behave and go off line :)

I meant if your mother could do without you briefly,

I begged my ED to see her grandmother before she died. She did not come. Her grandmother loved her so

I have no guilt

I would tell her she can come and see her GM but I would also add that no one else is leaving the house. If she wants to see her GM, then she can see her.
I would not feel like I had to accomodate her senseless demands of "don't anyone else be there," that is YOUR HOME, where are you supposed to go?
I can't believe the gall.
If she really wants to see her, she will come, regardless of who else is there.
If she doesn't, it's on her.

LJ.....I think it is good in all difficult decision making situations to first consider what Scripture has to say about the consequences to our decisions that we are grappling with when the results could produce feelings of guilt whichever way we go. In a situation such as yours, there are bound to be a downside to it and so it is good to be confident beforehand that you made the right choice and that it was a choice that at least would not fall into the category of committing a sin. True guilt is when we knowingly have committed a sin against one of God's commandments whereas false guilt comes from outside sources convicting us of things that are not against God are in fact sinful.

In 2 Corinthians 7:8, Paul writes about a previous letter he’d sent that apparently caused great distress. Paul says, “Even if I made you grieve with my letter, I do not regret it.” Paul recognized his letter caused the church “grief,” but he identifies their feelings as true guilt. They felt guilty because they were, in fact, guilty.

The source of false guilt is also our own conscience. The Bible speaks of a “weak conscience” and defines it as a mistaken belief that something innocent is actually sinful (see 1 Corinthians 8:7-13). A weak conscience, then, is basically an uninformed conscience. A person who does not apprehend the freedom he has in Christ may consider things to be sinful which are not sinful at all, and his “weak” conscience can easily produce false guilt.

Although this may make this post longer, my DH and I were faced with a very similar extremely difficult decision that we had to make about 6 years ago and so it does reflect just how one does feel after hard choices have to be made sometimes.

Our difficult choice arose over a pre-arranged counseling session that ended up taking a surprise turn of events inflicted upon us at the last moment. We had already had one counseling session with our DIL, our son and a Christian counselor that went well for us but not so good for our DIL. We were to have a series of about 5 sessions and therefore a second session was scheduled with the counselor and approved of by our ES and DIL before we left NH to attend it.

Excited that this might be the end to the estrangement, we traveled 500 miles by camper to VA to do this and as we were driving into town, we received a cellphone call from the counselor saying that our ES would be there but our DIL was not because "the counselor" decided that since our DIL was pregnant she did not want to stress her out and cause her to miscarry. This was her third pregnancy and, as a marathon runner, she is incredibly healthy. (Several months later, our son confessed to us that it was our DIL's decision not to go, not the counselor's. The counselor lied to us for her.)

The last minute decision upset us both a great deal because our estrangement originated with our DIL and it was essential for us to meet as a group to finally unravel those misconception that she had in her head about us. It was then that the counselor said that our ES alone was going to be at their home instead and that we should go there. This we saw as being useless we had already scheduled 3-4 days of meeting with our ES and DIL AFTER the scheduled counseling session, which also included a B-Day party for my DH.

Next it was told to us that our son would not be seeing us if we did not attend. We insisted our DIL fulfill her obligation to be there to speak for herself - not "through" our son.

After that we got a cellphone call from our ES shouting to us in an angry tone of voice ordering us to be there by saying...."You be there - OR ELSE!!!" We "got" what the "or else" was but due to the most disrespectful manner in which he literally ordered us to meet his demands we again said we would not attend without DIL. We told our son that we would wait in our camper for them to come to us and talk about it without the counselor but they never showed up and so we went back home.

Thus, was our extremely difficult decision. Although it was not an end of life situation like yours is, it could very well have been due to DH's health. We could have conceded and fallen at their feet but what would that have accomplished. They had all been so disrespectful that it was shame that the Christian counselor would even lie for them in the first place let alone for our son and DIL let us travel that far and then not keep their promise. Had it been legitimate we could have understood it, but it was not. The reasons were fabricated and the pregnancy was never a genuine issue.

We understood the consequences to our decision before we in essence said; "No, you will not treat us like this."

LJ, I think that if your ED were making a reasonable request then by all means do what you have to do in order to be at peace with yourself. But, if you do meet your ED's demands the question you might have to resolve with yourself will be...."What did I teach her by my caving into her unreasonable demands?" Sometimes, love has to be tough. She has a phone; she can talk to your mom. You are not saying that she cannot meet with your mom. If your mom dies without her seeing her grandma, it is HER that is making that choice - not you. It is her that will have to live with that decision. Even though your mom is 93, I think she should still understand and support her daughter over her grandchild's disrespectful behavior.

(Sorry this was so long!)