Whil I am not a child of divorced parents, i am a mother to children whose parents are divorced, I am open to learning about different things that have affected those who are so that i can make the most of their childhood

I am a child of divorced parents. I learn from others' mistakes, so the experience made me super picky about choosing who I was going to date. I didn't date in high school because I was so picky, but shortly after I graduated I met my boyfriend and we have been together for a little over four years now! I am scared to death to get married, for fear of going down the same path as my parents and putting my future children through the same pain I have gone through. But I will say that it is a very difficult thing for any child to go through, and all you want throughout childhood is for your parents to get back together. But it has made me independent, more mature than I would be had they stayed together, and more concientious about how important taking the step of marriage is. I'm not super close to either of my parents, but I do love them despite their mistake. I've grown to realize we're all entitled to mistakes.

I am the parent of 3 children, 20, 13 & 10. Although I know divorce affects all children who are subjected to it, it is possible to have children who are completly healthy, happy and prosperous.

My children and I were very fortunate that there was none of the "nasty" divorce issues. Their father and I agreed very, very early on that our children will always be our main focus. We have a open, honest and joint co-parenting relationship. This can be done and does take work on both parties sides. We have been divorced for 7 years now and both of us are remarried. It also takes alot of work, participation and understanding from the "new" spouse.

After 7 years now, I can tell you that we are able to do things together, all of us as a family. Both of our spouses have a child from a previous marriage and are always included in whatever we are doing. Although I know this could not work for everyone, the most important thing is to focus solely on your children's well-being and security. People are often amazed how well adjusted and ok my kids are with everything. If asked my kids will tell you that they have 2 Mom's and 2 Dad's. I know some women espcially would have their feeling hurt by their child saying they have two mothers, but I can tell you from my view point, I have to put my feelings aside on that issue and know that they are being loved and cared for by someone who loves them almost as much as I do.

My biggest piece of advise is to NEVER be BITTER and ALWAYS think in terms of what is the best for your children.

I am the parent of 3 children, 20, 13 & 10. Although I know divorce affects all children who are subjected to it, it is possible to have children who are completly healthy, happy and prosperous.

My children and I were very fortunate that there was none of the "nasty" divorce issues. Their father and I agreed very, very early on that our children will always be our main focus. We have a open, honest and joint co-parenting relationship. This can be done and does take work on both parties sides. We have been divorced for 7 years now and both of us are remarried. It also takes alot of work, participation and understanding from the "new" spouse.

After 7 years now, I can tell you that we are able to do things together, all of us as a family. Both of our spouses have a child from a previous marriage and are always included in whatever we are doing. Although I know this could not work for everyone, the most important thing is to focus solely on your children's well-being and security. People are often amazed how well adjusted and ok my kids are with everything. If asked my kids will tell you that they have 2 Mom's and 2 Dad's. I know some women espcially would have their feeling hurt by their child saying they have two mothers, but I can tell you from my view point, I have to put my feelings aside on that issue and know that they are being loved and cared for by someone who loves them almost as much as I do.

My biggest piece of advise is to NEVER be BITTER and ALWAYS think in terms of what is the best for your children.

I agree with not being bitter and focusing on what is best for the kids. My dad did pretty much anything and everything to get back at my mom...but he was taking things away from his kids at the same time. It didn't matter to him.

The thing with me is that I wasn't so much affected by the divorce (our house was much more calm and happy after he was gone)...I was affected by the mean things that my dad did before/during/after the divorce. I protect my daughter from my dad whenver he sess her. Because I don't want him to attack her self esteem the way he did mine.

dh, great for you that you have kept things nice. I can honestly say it still affects me... strangely more as an adult than it did as a child. For me, I needed my mom and I had her. I enjoyed visiting my dad but for the most part it was better when he left because we had more quality time. My parents were/are both alcoholics, my dad left us and went to rehab so it was a very different experience visiting him with no chaos.

My brother needed his father.... he was more messed up and even til today holds some secret hope that my parents will get back together.

I honestly think family and personal therapy would be incredibly helpful for children of divorce. I am in a long term relationship but do have a part of me that doesn't believe marriage works. I've got a lot of divorced relatives and do not have a great example of a long term, healthy marriage.

These days the things that cause problems is that they STILL fight over us... not like it used to be. For example, I'm turning 30 next month. My dad asked me early to have a vacation with just me so we could reconnect. He will be taking me on my actual birthday. My mother FLIPPED OUT! He asked me almost 3 months ago and she's STILL mad.... now I know you might be wondering, was she planning something?? My insider (my sister) tells me that nothing was in the works, they had talked about some things but had no plans.

This is the stuff that makes it very hard. Especially family holidays.. .I wish they could both be there. Because they refuse to be together, we always have to have two holidays. Dad usually loses out on visiting with us, feels resentful and pushes people away. When my parents are together (without his new wife) they get along fine (this has happened at two funerals). Inherently they will always love each other. They were high school sweethearts and married for over 20 years. How could they not?! But it's definitely shaped my life when they divorced.

I was happy to have the constant arguing gone... but it just happened before or after a weekend with him. I was happy to have better quality time with my dad, but I still missed having him there.

well we had a very open comunication with our kids and between the both of us .We decided after a year of hurtful stabs that we were hurting noone but the kids .We then decided the kids would be our main focus.,.,I,m not gonna say it wasn,t hard cuz it was but we did and I at the time had a man in their lives since they was 5,8 11,and there now 14,17,20 and since I had backup and he actually got along with my ex which is very rare.All was well till a rumor this year got started that I was given my ex money out of my husband check.,.Which isn,t true cuz we have shared cussody and I have the 14yr old he has the 17th cuz of school prob and I could spend more time one on one with my 14 yr old.Now since my husband was filled with a bunch of crap I can,t go in the house nomore and can,t call him nomore about the kids so I email him and forward him stuff from school and well its hard cuz he can,t get to his comp much anymore.Funny how one person can ruin a good thing going smooth.I think there is jealousy now and my hubby thinks I take my ex side due to his disability and sumtimes I do but like I told him I threw my trash out 9 yrs ago and i don,t want it back.Any body has any advice?deborah

It has definately changed my life... I remember my parents divorce as if it was yesterday.... I would not be the same person in my eyes.... There are a lot of different perspectives on it.... I wish I could say that it still doesn't hurt.... It does and I still feel alone much of the time.....

Since my parent's marriage crumbled so quickly, angrily, and loudly I used to say I was relieved that they were divorced. I remember coming home from elementary school and hiding under my bed while they screamed at each other. When my father finally moved out (I was 11) he was hysterical and I'll never forget that image of him closing the door behind him. I didn't think much about it growing up.

However, as an adult now I realize the benefits of having two parents, two sets of eyes, two opinions of what is ok behavior, twice the accountability. I got into many things that I probably wouldn't have if my dad was around. I am just now starting to break those habits. I am still close to both of my parents, more so than when I was younger. However, I am realizing how much b.s. my mom said about my dad just so I would side with her. This all makes MY efforts at having adult relationships very, very difficult because I am afraid that what happened to them, after 18 years of marriage, will happen to me. I am with a great man now, and we live together, and the thought of marriage has a reasonable appeal to me, but I cannot seem to treat him with the respect he deserves. I have trouble trusting and believing I am worthy of love.

In short, divorce has a significant, lasting impact on children, regardless of socio-status, gender, age, race, etc. Each will react differently, but there is no way to tell what that reaction will be. Our childhood experiences impact our attachment styles, and that stays with us throughout life. I would rather not be married than put any future children through the dilemma I am in now and the crises I have experienced. That is just my opinion.

I'm in my 20's, married(happily) but my parents are now starting seperation/divorce proceedings. Throughout my childhood I would wonder why they hadn't divorced. I wished it so many times. All they did was fight, argue, etc. I wasn't allowed to speak up or talk about it as it was "upsetting" to my mom and my dad would get angrier. I always felt like I made it worse. Finally, now they're going to seperate. And I'm relieved but very confused and saddened. How do you stay married for almost 40 years and then quit? Its added alot of stress and anxiety to my life right now; its hard to explain how I feel to my friends/spouse since when I was a kid "I wasn't supposed to talk about it". Don't upset anyone!

um, my life is still being shaped, but i'm scared to death of getting married so i don't know if i ever will. i don't really know what growing up without a REAL father figure in my life is gonna do to me. also, after what my father did to my mother, my veiw of men in general isn't all that great...... so yeah! hope that helped you curiousity!

It really has determined most of my decisions since. Had the combination of my parents getting divorced and my cousin dying not occured as it did I would have never matured nearly as fast as I did. I would not have acceled so much in school because school was my refuge. My conflicting views with my Father have ended in so much stress for me. Any communication with my father may shut me down for days. If the events of my life had not happened as they did I may not have identified as a lesbian as I now do. I distrust all men in my life. Since the divorce my mom dated this man for six years on and off. He was an alchoholic and his kids were deliquents. My mom and he finally broke up for good about six months ago.

It really affected me at the time. I thought that I was lucky to have a family that was together and loved each other so much, but one day, my father just left with another woman, and my mom was shattered.
But I did learn that even though my environment changes, and that I was no longer part of a whole family, I was still the same person, and I didn't need to act out and change, I needed to learn that sometimes your world can change, and no one may love you, but you have to learn to love yourself. So I got a lot of good out of it, although it was very difficult.

my parent's divorce was partially needed. there was always arguing and me and mom have a history of not getting along. when she moved out there was some peace, but she's always over the house. sometimes we get along and other times we don't. she moved back in briefly after dad went on a month long business trip.


it's hard to say how it exactly shaped my life.


it does make me VERY VERY scared of marriage and having children. i don't want to put my kids if i ever had any thru anything like my parents did to us.

I live thru my parents' divorce everyday. I was 9 when they split and I still can see my dad driving away from us. It pains me to think of that experience. I know that it was for the best that they split, they were no good for each other...never spent any time together and didn't get along very well. Anyways...I lived with my mom up until I was 14. My sister and I saw my dad every other weekend, when he showed up. When we spent time with him it was often in the bars while he drank. My mom moved away when I was a freshman in high school. I moved in with my dad and his girlfriend and the son they had together. I never felt totally welcome by them. I was always on the outside of their new family. My step mom ended up turning me against my mom for leaving me and I hated my own mother for along time! My dad and step mom would make bad things up about my mother and I believed them because I didn't know any better. After I got to know my mom again...after I had my own child, I realized how wrong they were and how much I hurt my mom. I still feel horrible about what I did to hurt her but I know she understands and still loves me unconditionally. She is the greatest person I know. My dad and stepmom still talk shit about her...and everyone for that matter...but now I don't take it! I tell them to shut the hell up...she isn't a part of their life and to leave it be...that it wasn't up to me what their choices were....I was just a kid!

I am currently going thru a separation from my husband. Our 2 kids have been doing okay for the most part. He knows what I went thru and knows that I don't want the same thing to happen to our kids! As long as we put them first, they should be okay! Divorce sucks, but sometimes it's needed!