Children Of Divorced Parents Support Group

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How do younger siblings deal???

T0adBrigade
T0adBrigade
When my parents got divorced i was in 8th grade (13-14 yrs old), and my little brother was 5, just starting school, in kindergarten. I always wonder how he was affected by it. I always had to be strong, even though their break up devastated me, and i began coping with it by means of an eating disorder, bulimia, that i've hidden from them ever since.

My mom has legal custody of us, and before i went to college, we'd visit my dad every other weekend and on wednesdays for a couple hours. Now that i'm gone, my brother (now 11 yrs old) has to deal with their (still constant) verbal abuse towards one another, and go to my dad's house by himself. I don't know what goes on when i'm not there, and it bothers me. He no longer is willing to go to my dad's, and my mom says sometimes he cries before going, and it makes me sad :(

I talk to my brother on the phone and he complains about my dad saying bad things about my mom, who's gone through enough abuse prior to the divorce. He calls her and "asshole," according to my brother. It really frustrates me that my father would say things like that in front of my 11 year old brother.

I wish he had more say about the times he goes to my dad's, but he's only 11. Is this something i should really worry about, that i'm in college and my brother's traveling back and forth between houses? Does anyone else feel this anxiety???? I've tried talking to my dad, but he is manic-depressive and won't listen to anyone sometimes...

Also, my brother has exhibited a lowering of his grades in school, and he doesn't focus well...teachers are trying to convince us he has ADD...

Is there anything i can do to help him??? If this is a serious problem, i don't want him to find negative ways of coping like i did... :(
deleted_user
deleted_user
Ask him to tell you how he feels. my dad talks bad things about my mom to my older brother. my older brother now believes it. fortunately, your younger brother is more mature than this. as far as my little sister, she dislikes my dad. his own doing tho, not my mom's. she, unlike my father, refuses to talk that negatively. i mean, it slips sometimes, but not like my dad. so ur bro doesn't talk much, so make him. pry it out of him. and try to spend time with him whenever u can. he needs something stable in his life.
EmmaammE
EmmaammE
WOW you sound just like me! my parents split when i was 15 my brother was 12 and my sister was 6. im 25 now and have also used eating disorders and self harm as means of coping with life. my mum and dad bother bitch about each other to us all the time its kinda like they are the kids and we are the adults in all of it! I think in time when your bother has processed his feelings or gets fed up with the way things are going he will vote with his own 2feet about what he wants and where he wants to live and be in the mean time i guess the best thing you can do is to stand by him and look out for him. My dad is the same as yours very depressive and when he does listen he just disagrees and argues. I work with kids/teenagers with ADD/ADHD/ASD ect.... its not the problem even if he does have it. If he has got it the best you can do is work with him encouraging him to talk about his struggles and find things that he is good at and encourage him that way. If your brother knows that you are there for him he will open up in his own time. take care and if i can help or encourage you in any way then message me id love to help x x x
deleted_user
deleted_user
I had the opposite experience as you, I was the younger sister left home alone with my divorced parents when my older brother left for college. At the time I was about 15 and definitely felt the stress of feeling like the only person my parents had to talk bad about each other, even though by then they had been divorced about 7 or 8 years. I was the one my mother would complain to when my father was late on child support, which he always was, and I was the one my father would whine at about how his life was so hard and how my mother didn't understand how hard he worked and how he needed a break. The best thing my older brother did for me, probably the only thing he could do for me, was to be there and be on my side. He was always there to talk to and let me knew that he had once felt the way I was feeling and that these were their problems not ours. I think from my perspective that is the best thing you could do for your little brother, just be there to listen.
bluesun
bluesun
hmm... my 2 younger bros are even more fatherless than me. since dad never live with us. worse, my 2 younger bros and me were pretty much invisible to my dad. since he only cared- no i should say LIKED my older bro. care wouldn't exactly describe it.

my younger bros never had direction because of my dad being gone. they tend to be selfish people with no real goal in life. they don't know how to understand other people or others to understand them. they do not know how to date or even socialize. my one bro is 25, never had a girl friend. he is anti social and closes himself in his room most days (when not at work). he won't come out, and his "condition" is worsening. we re trying to get him some psychiatric help, cuz his situation is bad enough that he wants to install a pa system so he won't have to come out AT ALL.

i think my parents not raising us together has greatly affected them. they have NO MALE ROLE MODAL. but in general, need help of some kind.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I was in a similar situation. I was nine and my little brother was five when my parents divorced. To be honest I was my brother's 'minimom' whenever I was at my father's house. My father is emotionally abusive and I left. My little brother is doted on and doesn't believe that my father has a serious problem. My brother just started middle school this year and he has been failing classes and my dad doesn't even care. My brother is easily upset and has some emotional issues to say the least. He has severe attachment issues. As for helping him, talk to him, maintain a relationship with him. He needs to know he's not alone
LavenderBreeze
LavenderBreeze
I think MOMS AND DADS need to start acting like MOMS AND DADS and stop acting like little immature children and putting their OWN children in the middle. It just seems like common sense to me.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I don't have any experience with this issue, as I am an only child. They may not be your most favorite people in the world. But use this. You have an incredible opportunity to grow together as siblings. At least you have somebody to go through this with.
T0adBrigade
T0adBrigade
Yea but see, that's the problem...we DON'T go through this together, not anymore now that i've been off living at school. He has to go to my dad's and my dad won't even give him real food. Its always pizza or something else, which neither of us can have because we're both lactose intolerant, and i have GERD (acid reflux, prly from the stress he causes me). He also refuses to buy my brother's soy milk when he goes over. They even come in little boxes, like juice boxes...so it's not like it'll spoil!! Ugh, the brother gets sick all the time and i have to periodically call my idiot father from my dorm room, when my mom or brother call me crying and complaining about him. Its f**king ridiculous!!

Bluesun, that is what i'm worried about! My brother won't do ANYTHING we ask him, he's just a show-off, and we end up unknowingly giving him negative attention...he's very disobedient. He's also very attached to my mom, like has to touch her at all times...and i worry that he's gonna be one of those kids that lives with her til he's 42. No goals in life.

And Vaebutterfly, you are SOOO right. It seriously pisses me off when my parents get us stuck in the middle, and act more immature than my 11 year old brother does!!! Ughh.

Thanks for everyone's take on this!! Greatly appreciate it.
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