Child Support & Custody Support Group
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Hi I am new here and i am really at a loss for what to do with my x in regards to my daughter. The short of my story is this, i left him 4 years ago after an 8 year relationship full of verbal and emotional abuse. i took my daughter who is now 5 with me we live in one provence he lives in another (we are canadians) we have gone through the whole access and custody thing and we have an agreement that is legal done through lawyers for 1 year now. but my problems come from how he tells my daughter that i am wrong all the time that i am not fair that me and my husband shouldnt be so mean to her. she is 5 years old and so very confussed when she has come home in the past from visits with her dad she treats her step dad so awful she says things like i dont have to listen to you, you arent my dad, and things that are much more hurtful. recently we had to take her to get testing for ADHD and any other things that might be a cause to her poor behavour towards me and my husband and it came back strong for adhd and ODD but to wait for diagnosis till after she has been in grade 1. durring this evaluation he painted a perfect life when she is out with him that she listens all the time she never talks back and she is a perfect angle that he never has to disipline and i find that hard to belive with any child, my daughter lives with me for most of the year except for about 10 week broken up over the year that she visits her dad. His perfect report made my real report of her tempertantrums her violent behavour and everything else that goes on in my home look so bad when really its not. I know that he is already telling her that when she is old enought like 9 or 10 she will get to pick where she wants to live which is lying to her because you have to be 12 here. I dont know what to do anymore to counteract these lies and try to not make it look like shes in hell when she is here, unless i start lying about how she is out here which i dont want to do because it is wrong and i dont want to screw with her diagnosis of anything like ADHD or ODD. I am at a loss hes so manipulative i cant help but feel like he is trying to get my daughter to hate me.
Your Ex is trying to get full custody and he'll find any way to do it. He's alienating your daughter from you in subtle and overt ways.
Is it possible that she may act out in your house because that's where she lives, primarily? She can be normal, she can be defiant and try things out. And, other than that, a professional diagnosis with some long term plan for her would be helpful.
But, just the fact that he's telling a five year old that she can anticipate moving in a few years by choice is downright intolerable. Really, even if it were to happen at some age later, she should not feel the burden of thinking about uprooting herself. And, who is he to say that she may want to? He's not letting her be a child. Instead, he's planting a seed such that she will feel unrest with you and be ready to move in with him full time.
Be calm, talk to her teachers and whoever is her adult counselor, therapist, etc. But, when it comes to an evaluation, whoever does this must know how appropriate it is to teach a young child that they need to think about moving. That will break her ability to bond with you, her mother, and give her nothing but unrest.
Keep the rules, continue supporting her time with her father and document what he does with your daughter.
Keep a journal. Send him e-mails that state the inappropriate comments he makes her hear. And be prepared to present them in court. You'll have a timeline for this if he's started doing this so soon after the divorce.
It's heartbreaking to make her lose her youth with concerns about her living situation. Has he read the book, Dinasaur Divorce? That's as much as a five year old needs to hear.
Good Luck, RB
My daughter who is now 15 was diagnosed with ODD before she was in first grade, this was in 1997. It's very apparent by your remarks that your EX is trying to paint a pretty picture--the problem with children with ODD is that they tend to act out more towards the person who is the primary diciplinarian (like yourself) and not so much towards the part-time parent. All I can say, it keep a record of the outburst, because if your ex is trying to get custody, you will have to have factual documentation about all the events, make sure you have had an active roll in yor childs life that can be documented as well ie report cards,doctor visits because you'll need these as well. Also, take this advice, do not get a GAL, I had one and they are trained to believe what your child says, hopes this helps
I am also agreeing w/ Rosebud, that if she does not misbehave for your ex, it is because she is afraid to.....I know my son behaved way better for his abusive father than for me, all his life, because he learned at an early age to try not to wake the elephant in the room.
And yes, document EVERYTHING, so that you have specific examples, and dates and times when this takes place. You need to be able to back up your accusations in court. Otherwise , it is a he said she said deal.
Good luck....
I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. WHile I don't think my ex is trash talking to my son, he says our son is PERFECT when he is with him. He doesn't have any problems with my son. He always listens. Yea, right. I wondered what me and my new husband were doing wrong (my son has a love/hate relationship w/ his stepdad). Then I realized why my ex doesn't have problems...he gives me son EVERYTHING he wants! If I say its time to go, son has a fit. If dad says its time to go, son says now and dad says ok - you can play longer. If my son wants a toy at the store I say no and he flips out. If he is w/ his dad and wants a toy. He gets it. So in my case dad doesn't have problems with my son because he caters to him! He NEVER disappoints my son. It could be the same way with your daughter and you will just have to tell her - different rules for different homes but really - I STRONGLY suggest counseling for her. We did that w/ my son and I finally got buy in from my ex to have him tested for ADHD (he didn't believe it) but after talking to the counselor (who also talked to his teacher) it looks like I"m not losing my mind. I've been told if I see it, the teacher sees it, the school counselor sees it - then maybe dad is the one w/ the problem - not me. You need to prove the same thing. Send me a message if you want to talk more! I understand!!