Child Support & Custody Support Group
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I'm looking for a little support and advice. I am planning to move out of state in a few weeks. My ex has been aware that I was planning this move since January. He waited until a couple of weeks ago to say he had any problem with the move. Our daughter splits her time equally between us. I have tried to offer suggestions of visitation schedules and he won't agree to any of them. We will be 8 hours away, so one thing I've said was that we could exchange her on a monthly basis (until she starts school) and have visitation by phone and webcam in the times when she is away from either of us. He is refusing to work with me on this at all. I am moving to get a fresh start. I was fired from my job in Feb for health issues (I'm being evaluated for MS) and don't feel comfortable doing nursing with my symptoms right now. I'm getting into photography but there isn't a market for what I do here, but there is a strong one where I am moving to as well as a lot of things to photograph. My ex has now requested an emergency motion to prevent me from moving with my daughter. I am so scared that I am going to lose her. I don't know what I'll do without her. I'm mad at him for waiting so long to say that he didn't agree with the move. I feel like I'm having to choose between having my daughter with me and having a way to support her, my other daughter (there's not a problem with her moving to another state) and myself. I'm hiring an attorney to help with this issue, but at this point, I feel somewhat hopeless. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks
Gather any info that shows that he knew about the move way back and acted as if he agreed.
Does he pay child support? If you cannot support yourself where you are, can he pay you spousal support too? And if you are not working, your daughter can stay more time with you, instead of with a sitter while he is working.
You will not lose her, I think, but you may have to delay or even cancel your move.
And from now on, get everything in writing. Email is ok.
Some things to think about are any extra curricular activities - she will not be able to do them when she is visiting with dad. Or having both her parents there for any school plays, its just not reasonable for her dad to make that trip all the time.
I know you want a fresh start, but when you have kids together it is each parents duty to foster a loving relationship with the other parent and distance certainly will not help that. The kids have to come first and I don't see how a career change so that a parent can do what they really want to do would justify a big move. I know many parents who wanted a career change that might bring in more money eventually but they were not even allowed to change jobs because the judge would not temporarily reduce child support while they were in training. Its all about the child and they should not have to bear any burdens that the parent has - that's how its always been told to me. I'm sorry this might not be what you would like to hear, but I've got to be honest with you. Its especially hard when moving across state lines.
However, as much as you may need a fresh start your daughter doesn't need to be away from her father any more than she needs to be away from you. While your "fresh start" may be better for you, it very well may not be better for your daughter.
You have the right to have a life and to make the choices that will financially provide for your family, but those choices have to take into consideration all the people who will be affected by your move and your daughter being the primary one. If this move was about you continuing your education or for the benefit of your daughter and her dad wasn't involved in her life and wasn't supportive then that is a different story. But from the sounds of it, she has a father who loves her, takes care of her, and whom she lives with 50% of the time. I'm sorry, but your daughter's father was probably really considering his options before he said anything. I would bet that was a smart thing to do. Either that or he wanted to yell and scream, but decided it best to wait to talk to you until he calmed down.
I am not saying any of this because my DH is in the same boat with his kids. I am saying this from a child who was very close to her father (me) and when I was 4 my mom moved away with us. We weren't 8 hours away We were more like 15.
On my 5th birthday (the 1st without my dad), I waited all day for him to show up. Every time a car would drive by I would run to the door hoping my dad would be getting out of the car. I waited all day. I didn't want to open presents, blow out candles, or anything. All I wanted for my b-day was my dad. Finally, my mom fessed up and told me my dad wasn't going to be there. I don't remember if my dad said he would be there or if my mom said he would, but I remember feeling so sad and angry at her. I thought it was because of her that I wasn't with my dad.
I am now a 31 year old woman who is still very close to my father. I am not close to my mom and never really have been. I credit my father with my sucess, my values, morals, and strong sense of self.
Do not take your daughter away from her father. Weekend, holiday, and summer visits are not enough for a child with either parent and especially not for a child. If the situation was revered and he NEEDED to move for a job because he got laid off and wanted to take your daughter would you let him? I doubt it. Put yourself in his shoes and your daughters shoes. Above all, she will be missing out on so much more than you could possibly imagine unless you've been there.
How can you place your childs welfare below your want (it's not a need) to "get a new start"? Your kid need parenting. Parenting does not come from you alone or on a part time basis. Both of you recognized that by agreeing to split her time half and half. That's hardly perfect (perfect is having two parents at home) but its certainly better than having one living 400 miles away.
Web cam? Phone? Give me a break. A girl needs a father at hand to learn how a man acts.
You have choices. Make your first choice your daughter even if you have to clerk at McDonalds or go back to nursing.