Have you read the chumplady.com? She gives a good explanation of how cheaters function.

I may not be completely qualified to answer but I will add my experience. I only had an EA but it was very nearly a PA. When home becomes more stress than love and we are too busy. Without the feeling of importance and pride of being wanted we seek something to make us happy. To feel important again. For me my home life appears perfect but it is a prison for a person like myself. Kids, dogs, routine, mortgage, stress, and lack of that rush...... Home has become where my stress comes from. So I find myself happier away from home. It's not that I want to leave the marriage, it doesn't cross my mind. I love my wife. She is a good woman. I don't want to get divorced but without an outlet I felt like I was going to burst! Without the emtional support of the other woman I would have wanted a divorce long ago. It is natural to seek what makes us happy. Finding a connection with someone that feels we are special is a strong drug.

^ Very honest insight. I can assure you that while its easy to dismiss us as selfish, self-indulgent assholes (which we definitely can be); I do believe it all comes down to low self-esteem and validation. People who have a more reasonable validation 'bucket', i.e. non cheaters, get this from more socially acceptable outside activities. Us wayward folk - sadly - feel the need to drag other people/relationships into the validation game.

There's also a brain chemistry/addiction component.

^^abetterman & P&D....exactly.

I do not recommend Chump Lady.

This conversation usually goes as follows:

BS: Why did you cheat?

CS: Here are all the factors that were involved in my choice to cheat.

BS: There is no excuse for cheating!

In my case, I never sought an affair or thought I would ever have one. In fact, I said more than once that I would divorce before I ever cheated.

Fast forward many years and three children, and I was in a roommate sort of marriage. I brought it up many times, and my husband wasn't interested in changing anything. I felt absolutely unheard. He says he felt talking about it would make things worse. We operated on denial and a false presentation that things were okay. I started to become deeply depressed and resentful that this was my life - to be the good girl, the breadwinner, to clean up after everyone, to serve everyone, and to be ignored and even disrespected. I had a lot of simmering anger and felt trapped because I value an intact family for young kids.

At the same time, I started to notice other men who actually seemed to find me interesting. At first, it was just a secret crush on a colleague 10+ years ago that I never pursued. Next, I ran into an ex about 3-4 years ago and sparked up in a conversation with him at a reunion one evening. He told me he still loved me. I didn't pursue a relationship with him, either, but it really got into my head that I used to be a different person and maybe could be again. I didn't talk to my husband about any of this at the time it happened.

Finally, I met my former AP and started what I thought was going to be a friendship, not realizing he was intent from the beginning on wooing me out of my marriage. He was a skilled sociopath, and I truly thought I was in love with him.

Of course, we were exposed, the whole thing went a horrific direction, and I almost ended my life over it. Things are better today.

TL; DR version is that I was in an unhappy marriage without honest communication but didn't want to divorce because of the kids, I was having a midlife crisis, I was extremely vulnerable to emotional connection with someone else, and I met the right/wrong person at the right/wrong moment.

I agree with all of the above responses. I just ended a two and a half year affair....no D-Day, but I left on my own volition because it was tearing me apart, and forced me to make decisions that still haunt me, and yes, I've even fantasized about ending my life to escape the mess I made, that's how ridden with shame I am. I love my husband, but, well, all of the above ^^. I was going to post this as a separate post, but I think I'll leave it here:

My therapist recommended to me doing a love map with my husband, as after twenty years of knowing each other, we've both changed, and its time to get to know each other again like we would a new lover. In the course of researching where I could find the questions, I found it in a book, The Seven Principals for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman, whose work I admire. Just last night I read this in the introduction, and completely agree, and wish more BS's would understand:

"Signs that signal the end of a marriage:
1: The couple see marital problems as severe
2: Talking things over seems useless, so each tries to solve problems on their own
3: The couples lead parallel lives
4: Loneliness sets in

"When a couple get to the last stage, one or both partners have an affair. But this betrayal is a SYMPTOM of a dying marriage, NOT THE CAUSE. The end of that marriage could have been predicted long before either spouse strayed. Too often, couples begin to seek help for their marriage after they've already hit troubled waters. The warning signs were almost always there early on, if they had known what to look for."

While the CS often takes the blame, because our observable behavior is abominable, our response to marital stress is extremely hurtful, and we don't make sympathetic victims, the BS would go a long way helping to create a better marriage if they were able to understand and be responsible for their part in the environment that led to their partner escaping their marriage in the first place. Neglect, flooding their spouse with emotional criticism so that the spouse stonewalls and ceases to engage, contempt hidden in comments or sarcasm,lack of intimacy, the feeling that we'll never be good enough, etc, etc. All of this lays the groundwork for someone to cheat. Some spouses escape the marriage by drinking. Some escape by working long hours. Others escape by focusing solely on their kids. We CSs escape the marriage by finding what it lacked or what we needed in another person.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. You did not deserve this response. You are not to blame for how a person responds to a stressful situation. I'm sorry your spouse handled this so awfully and hurtfully. But your marriage can be successful if you both work on what led to this. Please know, two people can find their way back again if that's what both want to do. Most times, we CSs still love our spouse. We just don't love our marriage.

Please don't give up. Establish a friendship. Then build from there. Remember, in the end, we all just want to be precious to someone. Even the CSs. And sometimes, it's worth risking everything for just that one email, that kiss, that look, that says we are.

"Signs that signal the end of a marriage:
1: The couple see marital problems as severe
2: Talking things over seems useless, so each tries to solve problems on their own
3: The couples lead parallel lives
4: Loneliness sets in

Shakes, I have read this at least 3 times since you posted it. This book will be on my Amazon order going out today. Thank you for writing that.

Kelly, I think there are so many variables that lead to affairs and the dissolution of a marriage as well as the rebuilding/recovery of a marriage. Wouldn't it be a wonderful world if there was one cookie cutter rationale for everthing?

I think what everyone said above, Graving, PD, and betterman, is right on par. Where I think some issues have an organic (sociopaths, narcissists, sex addicts, etc) component also -and in myself, with therapy, I've identified issues that led/lead to my behaviors-, I think that if we, both parties, don't do the work....that behaviors repeat.

Eventually, for all of us, it comes down to choices, what do we want in our life? What will we tolerate, what will we accept, and what is worth salvaging. I am not the same person I was 20+ years ago, nor is he, nor should we be the same people we were......and that knowledge comes with a frightening reality of where to go from here.

I will not cheat because I have been cheated on and I LOVE DOING RIGHT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE, BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT AS AN ETHICAL PERSON WHO IS COMMITTED TO DOING THE RIGHT THING, when you have feelings for two people, you MUST CLING TO DOING WHAT'S RIGHT!

^ yes.

I do think that it's really difficult to paint all CS with a broad brush. Personally, I've always been a 'love addict'. I am obsessed with the 'feels' that come along with falling in love; the high. The rush of feeling alive and beautiful and validated in every way.

I don't think anyone is impervious to this; we all must love love to some degree, else we wouldn't be married.

I want to ask, why DON'T you cheat? Because you don't want to, you were taught it's wrong, or maybe you know your H would be upset.. what if someone came along tomorrow who you believe checks EVERY box you have for the perfect match? Would you be able to turn away so easily?

There are some serial cheaters out there who just love sex with different people and can't give that up. I'm a serial offender but it's always about the feelings of love and my inability to turn away from that fairy tale romance. Marriage, at least mine, doesn't provide that for me in a satisfying way.

That's a question I ask myself a lot. Why in the hell would I do such a thing? It seems so stupid, and even at the time I thought it was a bad idea but I did it anyway.

What P&D said about validation and low self esteem rings true. I thought I moved past those issues, but at a time in my life of great stress I did feel a lot of self doubt and I was vulnerable to temptation. AP pursued me hard, not that I can put the blame on her; we are all responsible for our own actions. But I found that difficult to resist because, again, that need for validation asserted itself at a very difficult time in my life.

And also what Gravinggirl said about anger and resentment and feeling stuck in one's role applies to me as well. I'm in the same position as breadwinner, the good guy, always doing for everyone else. I guess I just reached my limit and did something stupid. And I regret it and it has caused me a lot of grief and pain. Which is well deserved, I know.

I hope all of this has given you some insight. Your husband's cheating doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't love you anymore or that your marriage can't be saved. It might mean that but not necessarily. You can work this out if both of you are willing to.

I had written this long post & decided not to.....bc it's the same song, different verse.

There is no one or several specific reasons someone cheats. You will never get a direct answer as to why. You act like your life was going along so great, then all of a sudden something happened your spouse didn't handle the right way....and he/she decided to cheat. In my case the cause happened over the course of 23 yrs. One day I looked back over my life & it was like someone slapped me in the face. How could I have let one person make me feel so low & so unappreciated. If I were to start listing the reasons H made me feel that way, I would come off sounding like a nagging witch. And his response would be something to the effect of being the breadwinner so he supported my ass all those years, even though I worked the entire time also.

H had an A. I blamed myself (depressed, weight gain). I wanted to go to MC......H refused. 4 yrs later, I (lost the weight) had an A. I will say this. If I hadn't had the A, I would be divorced right now.

THere are lots of replies already but I want to add my two cents.

1. It doesn't matter what I or anyone says, at least not in the short term, and probably not in the long term either. I went over all this with my wife, and the sole reason I did was rejected as she found other reasons more palatable, or read them from websites, or books, or other support groups.

2. I cheated because we had stopped having sex all together. Any advance, or proposition was met with unequivocal denial, so I quit trying. I wasn't interested in being celibate at 35 so I set out to find someone to have physical intimacy with. Somehow that fact was just never satisfying enough, but it was and remains the truth.


A big part of my recovery, and re-establishing our relationship has been trying to have some focus on physical intimacy. This has helped immensely with other areas including our communicating about ourselves and our relationship, though now I find that my wife is the one that is lying and deceiving. Just minutes ago she returned from her Sunday night support group, and I glanced at her phone while I was getting a drink from the kitchen. She had the text message app open that echos texts from my phone as part of her monitoring, so I casually asked her if she had read anything interesting from the conversation that was open, and she denied looking at it at all. Why? Who knows, I know she reads the texts, she knows that I know she reads the texts, why not just be honest about it. I don't have anything to hide.

^ that app sounds awful. I guess the right thing would be to offer that to my H.. but I would feel like he would just be nosy.

Do you feel liberated by the transparency, or imprisoned by it?

Thank you for all the responses. When I first found out and reached out to my family for support, my sister couldn't believe I still wanted to be with my H, but I told her you can't know how I feel unless you have been thru it yourself....I have to take this same reflection and think about my H, I will never understand why or what he was feeling, and now he has to live with those choices he made.
A point was made, he loves me but not our marriage..this makes sense and this is why he is still here working on our marriage. We are not the same people we were 20 years ago, and things will never be the same but I want nothing more then to make this work. Clovermoon mentioned if she didn't have the A, she would be divorced....again, my life has turned upside down and I'm hurt and continue to cry everyday about what he did to me and our family, but I am glad I know, If he left the A on his own terms and I never knew about it, I am not sure we would be where we are today, it was a slap in the face for me to realize I have neglected our marriage and my H. What he did was wrong and I wished it never happened but it did and now we must heal from it together.

To the CS, there was mention above about letting your spouse look at your phone, does this help? I'm at the point where I don't think he would ever do this again, I can see the hurt in him, he sees the hurt in me, he sees our life and knows it's what he wants, am I wrong to trust those feelings? If he makes the choice to cheat again, I will not be here for him and he knows that. We have been given a second chance on our marriage, a second chance to be happy with each other and to make this work. I see where our marriage was struggling and now I want to fix it together.