I leave my phone on the kitchen counter at home, unlocked and logged in to social media. My H could look at it, but he knows that makes me feel like a naughty child, and I don't think he does it anymore. It also violates the privacy of female friends or family members who might write something very personal in a message to me. He did look at my phone and bank accounts in the first 3-4 months after discovery.

For me, making the phone available is the whole point. I have nothing to hide anymore. I do think if a spouse is super secretive with their phone, it's a red flag. Months ago in marriage counseling, the therapist advised that we should look at the phone together if an issue was suspected rather than having the BS snoop.

In reply to prettyanddumb12 I have a very complicated set of feelings about it. She claims that she doesn't routinely read my messages, but I doubt that that is the case. But I get very angry when she just casually would mention that i had missed hearing my phone go off.

I'm not trying to hide something, nor do I have something to hide.

Sad for her that most of her gifts this Christmas are coming from Amazon, so she gets a text notification when they ship, and when they're delivered including most of the time what was in the shipment.

This is one of two questions that keep popping up in this forum. Why did he/she cheat? The answer is going to be different for every person, but more often than not the only thing that the CS can say is "I don't know why."

I am a CS myself. That is exactly the answer I have offered when asked why I cheated. However, in my quiet moments I know that answer is bullshit! Cheating, like everything else that we do in life does not happen to us (CS or BS). The act of cheating is made up of small decisions. One decision after another. For me, it began with a text message, "Do you remember me...", then a phone call, then a thought, a plan, I had to purchase a plane ticket, I had to pack my bags, drive myself to the airport, etc. It was a series of decisions for everyone of us CS. Decisions that we made in lieue of others.

I read some of the responses to your question. Some say that "well, the marriage was in trouble already", "cheating is a symptom and NOT the cause of marriage failure..." etc. While I do NOT totally disagree with these statements, it is also worth saying that the BS could have also chosen to engage in an affair, but DID NOT!

We cheat because we are selfish assholes. No matter how repentant we are, we are selfish assholes. That is why we cheat. There is nothing redeeming about it. Sure, we are human and we will try to explain it and understand it, and to heal.

Because he was new and exciting. he opened a whole new world to me. Home life was predictable and we were growing apart with our jobs and his annoyances, like drinking too much and not making me feel important. I am selfish. I like excitement and attention. I like adventure and trying new things. I hope this helps..

There are a great number of reasons. There is a badness and evil in all affairs, though, and while we frequently get lost in that aspect of it, the only way to understand it is by moving past that and seeing it not as pure evil but as a complex reaction to complex issues. You can't do this until you become ready, though, and that may take a while. It is better now to tend to yourself and consider how you want your own life to go from here. Involve him minimally for now.

I'm not married because if I was I don't believe I'd cheat, but as of now I do give into temptation, I crush a lot and I'm very flirtatious. Do I love my partner any less? Hell no. They still get the best of me. I'm quick to rebound when she's upset and she'd call it wrong/cheating or id allow people to hit on me and not respond or tell them to stop. I enjoy people, but nothing or no one would EVER compare to the person I love. That's just me. I've cheated in past relationships but in this one, when you're REALLY REALLY in love, nothing draws you away the heart just yearns for you all the time and my gf fucks me so good, spoils the shit out of me and takes care of me. Why risk that? It's the whole package.