Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

943 Members
4,471 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Cheaters Anonymous Support Group

Why do I still struggle so over the OM?

Gabrielle48
Gabrielle48
It has been 2 yrs and 8 mos since Dday and still I struggle over the OM. Why? It's crazy. The relationship only lasted 2 months. I know part of the reason why. Because I gave a part of myself to him. By having sex with him I was basically having a secret second husband. The relationship had to end suddenly at a high point. No closure to speak of. We see each other car to car and this thing is there hanging between us that must go unacknowledged.

Many of you know that I work in a house in his neighborhood half a day every other week. Sightings of him are common when I am there. This last time I was there the one thing I have feared the most happened. He drove by slowly while I was at my car putting things in the trunk. At least I did the right thing. I saw that it was him and turned back to what I was doing and didn't look up again. He did the right thing and did not attempt to engage me in any way but just drove slowly by. It's the first time he has seen me outside of my car since Dday.

I don't want to be back in a relationship with him but I sometimes still find myself wishing we could just talk. I banish those thoughts from my mind quickly. Stupid. All that would do is set me way back. I know this because at 20 mos he called me out of the blue for "closure" and I talked to him then though I shouldn't have. Did I get closure out of that? No! And I bet he didn't either. All it did was set me back. It took me several weeks to regain my equilibrium from that and I went back to IC to figure out why I was still so affected by him and why I have such a hard time saying no. i.e. I should have told him "No" I can't talk. He had also asked me at that time to keep that phone call a secret and I told him I would even though I knew I wouldn't. That's how bad I am about saying no and about confrontation. It's a problem. It had a lot to do with how I got into that A mess to begin with, all the way from OM#1 to OM#2 and everything that happened in between them.

I think closure is a myth in many cases like this. The more we try to get closure the wider the door opens. I think closure is obtained by just leaving the damn door closed! My counselor and i talked all this over today. We decided I am going to do something. I am going to write myself a closure letter. It will contain all the things that are still bothering me, my thoughts and feelings concerning all that happened with OM, and the things I still feel like i need to let go of and then we are going to burn the letter. "Closure" from within. I like it. I will be working on that this weekend.
bluesky4
bluesky4
I can so relate to all that you are saying Gabby. Why do the OM's have such an effect on us. I have not been with my OM in over a year- and then I slipped up and called him right before Christmas ( was slightly intoxicated from being at a work party- No excuse, but my guard was down). It seemed like a good idea at the time to call him. Just one "friend" to the other. Yeah RIGHT! With in 15 minutes he immediately took it sexual, and it took me a few more phone calls to get rid of him again- so to speak. The sad part is...it was my fault for opening that door again. Thinking, Oh we could just be friends, and talk every once and a while. I was very wrong. There is no other way but to keep that damned door closed, and for me to continue on focusing on the most important things in my life, which are my husband and family. I like the idea of the closure letter- I may have to write one to myself.
CopingJust
CopingJust
I think that time is the only cure. It took me 7years. It's such a relief. Hang in there......
deleted_user
deleted_user
Please read and hear what Gabrielle is saying about closure. She is spot on!
redlegs
redlegs
Gabi, I was thinking about the OM too the last couple of days. The fact that it had to end so suddenly is hard to accept. I keep wondering how he can just go on every day without wondering how I am or what I am doing, after talking to me nearly every day for years. But maybe he does wonder. I know I do. Especially when I see something on the news about a car accident, etc. The not knowing is very hard to deal with. There is no other kind of relationship where you just suddenly are forbidden from having contact. It is a strange position to be in for sure.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Dear, Sweet, Gabi, I am so glad you posted here. In Our Family. A wonderful Safe Space. Closure is somewhat of an illusion. and even though I am celebrating being out of of horrible marriage, being single in a world full of single men, being in control. etc,. WELL GOSH DARN IT! I still love Eric.

I still sort of belong to him. GOSH DARN IT!

So I know how you feel.
heard4
heard4
Hi gabi.... I know your post wasn't easy to write but I'm so glad you did because I did send a closure email and I'll tell you where it got me.
As you already know I've known my ex for almost 20 years and on his bday in August we got into a huge fight. I didn't talk to him for two months and when I tried he would just say he was still angry and he couldn't get past what I did to him. I dropped trying to make things right and decided to send that closure email. It was perfect and I said everything I wanted to including the fact that I was in a happy M and loved my h and would never leave him. Took me hours to write to make sure I said everything I wanted to say. It was great if I do say so myself. It was long too!!!

Anyways guess what?? It went unanswered and I felt better but here comes the kicker. He never responded to my email but he did email me back to say merry Xmas three weeks later!! What?? That's all you got?? All my efforts and words went unanswered.. I did the wrong thing and replied merry xmas and we are back to texting daily. NOT GOOD!!!
so, please keep on your path, because even tho I got closure it didn't close this chapter..
Good luck sweetie
Were always here for you
Hugs, heard
deleted_user
deleted_user
Wow! Thanks for writing this!!! I almost didn't go on here and go to bed but I feel so miserable. It is the middle of the one year anniversary of my 5 week affair. I was doing better and better until January 12 which was the start last year. I feel like a scab over my wound has been ripped open and all the sad feelings are back and our affair ended abruptly. No closure. Like you, I see his car a lot and have to drive by and even see him outside some but we have had NC since Dday. We live 2 blocks apart. I keep trying to remember the pain the affair caused me, my H and his W but all I can seem to focus on is missing talking to him. You do find yourself wondering is he thinking about me, wondering how I am, does he have all these triggers like I do...? I know logically if he contacted me it would not help and I would do the wrong thing. But this is not about logic or I wouldn't have this problem. Thanks for the idea of a closure letter, I will try it. Thanks to others who wrote, also.
Gabrielle48
Gabrielle48
Thank you so much to everyone who has replied to me so far on this. It really does help to know that others are experiencing similar things on this.

You put it well redlegs, that there is no other type of relationship quite like it where contact is just suddenly forbidden between two people who are in love and it just has to slowly fade away by neglect. The more attention it gets, even in your head, makes it take that much longer to fade.

for me, I am still carrying some guilt concerning him that I have never been able to let go of and I am hoping this letter will help me with that. If it doesn't, then it doesn't and I will just have to keep on going as I have been because I am doing all I can and...well...it's just a hard journey and that's that.

Warrior, I know. These trigger times just happen from time to time and set us back. Part of the journey, I guess. I have finally succeeded at one thing you mentioned. when I see OM or think about him I no longer just see what we had in the A, but I see the whole picture including all the pain and damage done to everyone. It hurts, it makes me cry and I get so mad that I let it all happen. Sometimes I just allow myself to feel horrible for a while and then I pray and / or pep talk myself back out of it.

You can bet, warrior, and everyone else who wonders this, that the OP is living this every moment just as we are. Maybe some people are able to shove it into a compartment and block it away better than others, but most just have to endure through it as it gradually gets better over time. I think that's just the way it is.

Oh, and to everyone who has trouble fighting those thoughts and feelings.....use the rubber band on the wrist. It really does help. GUARD YOUR THOUGHTS!!!
icnu
icnu
Thanks for posting this Gabi, I am coming up on my year where my A ended abruptly and painfully. I have triggers and I think I make it worse by thinking he could so easily toss me aside and forget that I ever existed. He has recently creeped on my Linkedin account and I didn't really know how to take it. I guess it was easier for me to get over him by thinking he really didn't love me like he told me and once we were over I never even crossed his mind. Your statement about the OM going thru his own hell makes me rethink....but I don't know if this makes me feel better or worse :(
deleted_user
deleted_user
I do not think my OM has any problems letting go. It would help my psyche if he did. He sought me out and chased and courted me and I think it was just a conquest and sex. Which is the hard part for me to feel utterly like a piece of discarded trash and not a whole person. I really need to do the letter because of those feelings and the fact that I carry the burden alone. My husband does not know about the sex only that we kissed. Which is why this site is so helpful because I have not told anyone, not friends or family. I like what you said about not seeing him in the fantasy of the A but as a person who screwed up and badly hurt his wife. I know I am only keeping it going in my mind, replaying all the good stuff and that my focus needs to be redirected. The other problem is that he is a coworker with my H and it pains me that he acts like a jerk to him. You'd think that he would be extra nice and humble to the guy since he screwed his wife.
lori47
lori47
I was a CS over 20 years ago. I remember the emotional pain and damage it did to me. My OM ended up telling my ex and my parents all the details when I got caught again 2 years into the affair. I had so much anger towards OM. I am so thankful I started feeling hatred towards him and I went completely NC. Yes I thought about him for the next year or two but never wanted to get dragged back into that mess. It had damaged me too much emotionally. But I can honestly say within a few years of no contact he never crossed my mind and I did not give a shit about him. Never found out if his marriage survived. Just did not care. Don`t know if he is dead or alive and could care less. I can tell you that when you reach that point you realize you can get over the love you feel for OM.

Now I just wish I could get over my ex that left me for OW and how he has gone back and forth between her and I for 3 1/2 years now.
Gabrielle48
Gabrielle48
Actually warrior, I had 2 OM and the first one was much like you describe yours. He was very clear on what he wanted and he kept the "relationship" light and surface and playful. He just wanted someone to play around with on the side. I enjoyed the fun flirty sexual texting with him. It gave me an almost painful adrenaline/libido rush that was the fuel for everything I did after him. Extremely addictive. I was alone with him one time in a quasily public quasily private setting and gave him a BJ. That was all the physical that went on as he moved far away shortly after that. I guarantee you he did not suffer one bit. He was not that invested. It was all just fun and games for him and he did not take it seriously at all. The only thing I think he was sorry about was that he had to work so hard for that BJ because he had a lot of walls and barriers to break down to get me there and then I know he was not done with me now that he had me past that barrier but he had to go and that was that. It took me a long time to get over him, obviously and I soon found other ways to fill the void he left. I had no idea I was addicted to that rush, but the first time someone hit on me (cyber) I know it was like a hit of a drug. I remember that feeling. When OM#2 came along (an entirely different type of OM experience) I had almost no resistance left at all.
Gabrielle48
Gabrielle48
I wrote the closure letter. I refused to practice it in my mind ahead of time so as not to use it as an excuse to think about him. When I was ready to write the letter I said my prayers, sat down and wrote straight from the heart with no forethought. It was good and it was helpful. I read it to my counselor and we both got a bit teary eyed especially at the end. I came home, read it one more time (not so emotional that time) and shredded it. (easier and safer than burning, lol) I do feel it made a difference and helped me do some letting go that I have been needing / trying to do. Overall a good exercise. We'll see if it makes a difference the next time I encounter him. I hope so.
shoretimenow
shoretimenow
I love this thread...thank you ALL so much for contributing. It is so helpful and absolutely touches on so many feelings I have been having. I wish there was some way to save it, so I don't lose it.
Gabrielle48
Gabrielle48
Actually, shoretimenow, I have saved some threads that I don't want to lose by copying the parts I want to keep and pasting them into a journal. I then add a note at the top as to the nature of the journal and why I am putting it there. It did turn out to be a really good thread and I am thankful as well for everyone who responded.
Posts You May Be Interested In
  • deleted_user

    Food Allergy?

    Posted by: deleted_user
    Last Reply: Iafaforallergy
    7
    My 6mo twin DD's are EBF and just started rice cereal on the first. Everything has been going fine except this morning one of them had a diaper rash (lots of redness around her anus). I read this as one of the signs of an allergy. BUT I did just buy a different brand diaper yesterday (which they have used randomly before w/no issues). Do you think its the cereal or the diaper? Im ready to start...