Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
It has been 2 yrs and 8 mos since Dday and still I struggle over the OM. Why? It's crazy. The relationship only lasted 2 months. I know part of the reason why. Because I gave a part of myself to him. By having sex with him I was basically having a secret second husband. The relationship had to end suddenly at a high point. No closure to speak of. We see each other car to car and this thing is there hanging between us that must go unacknowledged.
Many of you know that I work in a house in his neighborhood half a day every other week. Sightings of him are common when I am there. This last time I was there the one thing I have feared the most happened. He drove by slowly while I was at my car putting things in the trunk. At least I did the right thing. I saw that it was him and turned back to what I was doing and didn't look up again. He did the right thing and did not attempt to engage me in any way but just drove slowly by. It's the first time he has seen me outside of my car since Dday.
I don't want to be back in a relationship with him but I sometimes still find myself wishing we could just talk. I banish those thoughts from my mind quickly. Stupid. All that would do is set me way back. I know this because at 20 mos he called me out of the blue for "closure" and I talked to him then though I shouldn't have. Did I get closure out of that? No! And I bet he didn't either. All it did was set me back. It took me several weeks to regain my equilibrium from that and I went back to IC to figure out why I was still so affected by him and why I have such a hard time saying no. i.e. I should have told him "No" I can't talk. He had also asked me at that time to keep that phone call a secret and I told him I would even though I knew I wouldn't. That's how bad I am about saying no and about confrontation. It's a problem. It had a lot to do with how I got into that A mess to begin with, all the way from OM#1 to OM#2 and everything that happened in between them.
I think closure is a myth in many cases like this. The more we try to get closure the wider the door opens. I think closure is obtained by just leaving the damn door closed! My counselor and i talked all this over today. We decided I am going to do something. I am going to write myself a closure letter. It will contain all the things that are still bothering me, my thoughts and feelings concerning all that happened with OM, and the things I still feel like i need to let go of and then we are going to burn the letter. "Closure" from within. I like it. I will be working on that this weekend.
Many of you know that I work in a house in his neighborhood half a day every other week. Sightings of him are common when I am there. This last time I was there the one thing I have feared the most happened. He drove by slowly while I was at my car putting things in the trunk. At least I did the right thing. I saw that it was him and turned back to what I was doing and didn't look up again. He did the right thing and did not attempt to engage me in any way but just drove slowly by. It's the first time he has seen me outside of my car since Dday.
I don't want to be back in a relationship with him but I sometimes still find myself wishing we could just talk. I banish those thoughts from my mind quickly. Stupid. All that would do is set me way back. I know this because at 20 mos he called me out of the blue for "closure" and I talked to him then though I shouldn't have. Did I get closure out of that? No! And I bet he didn't either. All it did was set me back. It took me several weeks to regain my equilibrium from that and I went back to IC to figure out why I was still so affected by him and why I have such a hard time saying no. i.e. I should have told him "No" I can't talk. He had also asked me at that time to keep that phone call a secret and I told him I would even though I knew I wouldn't. That's how bad I am about saying no and about confrontation. It's a problem. It had a lot to do with how I got into that A mess to begin with, all the way from OM#1 to OM#2 and everything that happened in between them.
I think closure is a myth in many cases like this. The more we try to get closure the wider the door opens. I think closure is obtained by just leaving the damn door closed! My counselor and i talked all this over today. We decided I am going to do something. I am going to write myself a closure letter. It will contain all the things that are still bothering me, my thoughts and feelings concerning all that happened with OM, and the things I still feel like i need to let go of and then we are going to burn the letter. "Closure" from within. I like it. I will be working on that this weekend.
(I have been calling him a god all day, Lol)
But no, just a mere mortal with my own sins and short comings.
It's just how I looked at it at the time. Once I determined there was a way forward because she said she was committed (and I knew the proof of that would come) to me and rebuilding, I knew if I wasn't also committed as well, it wouldn't work. The CS has to do the bulk of the work in rebuilding. Only the CS can restore trust in the BS. But the BS can get in the way of those efforts. A CS can do everything "right" from dday on, but if the BS isn't healing, it will matter little.
My feeling on dday was if there was a shot to save the marriage, I wanted to do everything I could to help it succeed. So if it failed, I could honestly say it wasn't because I didn't do my part. Dday is when I gave her trust on loan. I told her before we had sex that the only way we could do that is if she was ready to commit completely to me, never let another man into our marriage, and she'd have to prove it as time went on to pay back the loan.
IOW, I put the ball in her court and gave moved away from the net to get the clearest shot. To me it was just stupid to say, "I want to rebuild" but then not do all I could to help it succeed. Otherwise, I'd just save us both the pain and get a divorce.
To me it had nothing to do with being a god, just what was logical and rational if I meant what I said. Anything less would be pointless.
(I hope you CSs will pardon the inter-BS comments here . . . hopefully you'll find them instructive.)
The basic answer is that approximately around 10-11 months, after going through a depression, I did come to a point of acceptance. Not saying all BSs should "get over it" as quickly as I did, but there was that point where I said to myself, "It's done. History. Can't change it. Do I want to spend the rest of my life paralyzed over what I lost? Time to stop dwelling on the past and work toward the future."
I'll also add that if not for all the work and progress Gabi has made, I would not have been free to come to that place so quickly.
Since then, when we talk about it or I read it on here, to me it is just what happened. It is history. Of course I don't like it. If I think about it much, it makes me sad. But it is what it is. It matters to me more about how she's done since then and our prospects for the future. Gabi can't change what happened (she wishes she could) and I can't change what happened. I worked through the stages of grief and came to an acceptance of it. If the Doctor arrived in the TARDIS, then we'd have hope of changing things (no appearance yet). For better or worse, it is part of our relationship's history.
There are other factors that play into it. One, I'm not an emotional person. I don't get angry or worked up easily. But I forgive easily. So while I've had triggers, they rarely create much turmoil for me. Also, I think some of that is due to my understanding of self-esteem. Mine didn't take a big hit. Some, but I didn't see the affairs as a failure of mine, but hers. The affairs were problems created and owned by her. They didn't reflect on my self-esteem. So much so, the first time someone said BSs take hits on their self-esteem due to the affairs, I was like, "What?" I later understood why, but at first to me it didn't make sense since it wasn't my experience.
The other aspect to this is our decision to continue to help people by writing a book and being on these forums. If we stopped coming to DS, we could probably go through most of our days letting those things fade into the past like most couples who successfully rebuild do. In deciding to write a book about it, it almost guarantees it will stay on the front burner more than it would have. Being on DS, I see the new BSs regularly coming on with their heartbreaking stories. But I knew that would be the case. It is the price we pay for being here.
Maybe, due to who I am and who Gabi is, we are able to handle it better than most, so we're ideal candidates.
What caught my eye in this thread was her guilt for hurting her OM. I thought she'd mostly gotten past that some time ago. So reading that surprised me. The rest I already knew and had dealt with. It's old news.
But my response isn't to jump on her for feeling that, but rather how we can address it like all the other issues we face head on. Together. As a team, as friends, and two people who love each other dearly.
(I hope you CSs will pardon the inter-BS comments here . . . hopefully you'll find them instructive.)
If you reread my post I asked questions as a BS with all respect to you and your wife....there are not too many people on here as couple's and also as one that writes books on infidelity....often CA members come to the Infidelity board - like you and Gabi do....and it was a true question from my heart. If you feel that the question was inappropriate....I don't think it was appropriate for you to apologize to the CA board for me....I can do that myself.
I'm sorry you took it that way. I didn't apologize for anything.I acknowledged that answering this question on this thread and forum is off topic, and was asking for permission to respond. Though I wouldn't have continued here if you wanted to discuss it further. We'd need to take it to infidelity forum or private message.
That I did respond to you sincerely and in depth should have indicated that I took your questions as being sincere. I hope that straightens out any miscommunication about that.
My question is... do you think by continuing to come on this site and having the affair in your mind daily, it is stopping you from moving on? I was in my affair off and on for 2 years. I loved both men, but always my ex spouse the most. I never wanted out of the marriage. So when I got busted the 2nd and final time, I was done with OM and went 100% NC which you cannot because of your job (OM was a coworker so I did run into him for about 2 years until he left the company). Honestly, after not talking with him for close to 2 years and never seeing him, he literally drifted out of my heart and my mind and rarely crossed my mind until my ex OW ended our marriage 3 years ago.
Is there anyway you can change jobs where you don't have to see him and have the constant reminders?
lori, better straighten one thing out. I don't work with OM. I'm self-employed and mostly work alone although my H works with me part time now. During the A's I hired OM to help me a few times a week after the A got started so I actually don't really ever have contact with him. There is always the risk of running into him in public and I occasionally see him in his car and there is that one house in his neighborhood that I work at 2 half days a month. Most of the sightings and such have happened while I am there. He knows my schedule and seems to be out and about more about the time I leave. I won't quit that client though, they are just very special to me. Most of the time I am safely tucked away in their house working. In a way, my mental / emotional state while there has been a good measuring tool of how I am doing.
You said: "he literally drifted out of my heart and my mind and rarely crossed my mind"
I WANT that. THAT is the goal! Cole and I will both be so happy when I can say that! I am definitely there with OM#1. He was never a real relationship. He was cocaine. OM#2 was a very different situation and has been much harder to shake.
As far as the effect of coming on this site? Yes, I can see how this contributes to keeping it at the forefront of our minds. I think it's therapeutic though as well and helps us to continue to process and evolve through it without getting stuck or rug sweeping.
Cole asked me recently how often he still pops into my mind and I had to say "every day." I hate that but there are so many triggers for it and sometimes it is just a flash of a thought. It will happen because of a certain part of town or a house that he once cleaned with me or a song or a store or a car that looks like his or, yes, coming on DS. So it seems his "presence" in my mind is just part of it for now. It is not a "guilty pleasure" as some BS's might think it is. It is more like torture. I would LOVE to go days without him popping into mind but I know that is not likely as long as we live in this town and as long as we stay on DS, but as long as the pop in thoughts stay benign like they have been I can live with it, and I can tell I am still progressing in the right direction so that makes me happy. :-)
Yeah, if that were true, this marriage would have ended within the first year, since she runs her own business cleaning houses, so it would mean she hired him and they would frequently work together, alone, in empty houses. That would never work in a million years.
Now I'm her only employee, male or otherwise. I told her today she's the coolest boss I've ever had. She's the only boss that I can kiss and pat her butt and not end up with a sexual harassment lawsuit. lol.
You definitely got this one right - there is no better or worse between opossum and armadillo. Your wife's only "fault" (other than a list of faults that everyone of us have) is that you don't really love her.
Having said that - there is a big point I see very differently than you do. You wife does not think she is stupid. She thinks YOU think she is stupid. She does not feel loved by you and as such she feels defective. And it has been so at least since 2007 and likely way earlier. By now (at least 7 years.... ) she has internalized it so much that the perception of her own worth is nonexistant. She loves you very much and since you cannot love her - she feels she must be worthless and acts accordingly.....
In a meanwhile your OW felt very loved and admired by you and subsequently felt wonderful about themselves and acted accordingly....
In fact your wife is the very woman, who according to the logic of many CS here and elsewhere, would have a very good reason to cheat on you - emotional neglect.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/5333418
Maybe that can help you evaluate your feelings and lack of love issues.
That's why it's so tough to give up. It's fun to play make believe. But it's not sustainable.