Secrets like that fester and eat at you. At the same time I'm sure you are afraid of the repercussions of coming clean.

People have rationalized that they don't want to tell the spouse/family about the affair because it will hurt them. However, given that if that is the real underlying reason to keep it hidden then it should have been reason enough not to begin an affair in the first place. Avoiding fallout and consequences is likely the main reason.

Selfish, I would argue, is continuing to allow your spouse to live a lie of a marriage and to not give them the choice of staying or leaving after being betrayed.

Thank you

I was in much the same situation, but as I had broken it off with my boyfriend of 9 years, I had intended to keep the affair to myself. However, it became clear that he had either found out or was about to, so I confessed because we were still good friends at that point and I wanted it to come from me.

It was hell for both of us. However, the anger and, pain it brought up in him was the catalyst for me to begin to do the heavy lifting of self-examination that I should have done decades ago. This is a journey that I have to take if I have any hopes of a happy and healthy long-term relationship with anyone.

While he has since forgiven me, our relationship is now one of polite wariness and very little contact, if any (usually via email) It kills me to know that I have been condemned and dismissed by someone who was once so central in my life, but I know he's only protecting himself... and it's probably not all that different from how I made him feel.

All that said, I think, had I kept it a secret forever, the secret itself would have become a wedge between us... you can't have real intimacy with someone while you're keeping something so major from them. I know most experts will say it's your burden to bear, but I'm not 100% convinced.

I think forwardmotion has a point that a BS has the right to know so they can make an informed decision on whether to leave or stay, but if you're going to lay that burden on them, they also have the right to know if there's some way in which they have helped cultivate the conditions for the affair to occur. If so, knowing that there's something they can do on their end to prevent it from happening again would seem to go a long way towards rebuilding trust and strengthening the relationship.

I'm hoping that's the case, anyway. Will let you know. But I imagine it'll be a while before I get the chance.

Find a good therapist first. Unload all you can on him/her. Reverse roles.. would you want to know if all was history?

My husband waited 6 years to finally acknowledge what I sensed. As a result, I've been reeling and trying to piece my life back together without the benefit of him being able (willing?) to answer my most basic questions. He gave me certain details (their escapades, for instance) but nothing about what was going on with me during the affair. He couldn't remember (??) whether my dad was still living with is, if that was when my daughter had a possible brain tumor, the time when I worked over 100 hours a week (alone), etc. Theough my own detective work, I've narrowed down the timeframe based on the AP's contact with me then, but for the life of me I have questions that wont ever be answered because too much time ha passed. He made a decision that changed my life and couldn't pay me a common courtesy of telling me about it until I was planning to walk with my kids. See, that's the problem with waiting too long--your spouse gets lied to and deceived even longer. That's most unforgivable part--the ongoing lies and deception. You may feel better but your spouse will not. The longer you wait the more your partner will resent you and your "feelings".

As an aside, if you're interested in reconciliation, beware. You may have crossed the can't trust you anymore bridge too far--I feel such profound sadness at the lies he fed to me..." I love you." "I'm so happy we're together." "you are the love of my life." Bla, blah, blah.. If any of that tripe were true, you would never have betrayed me. So, we're the last 6 years all lies? Were the intimate moments real? Did you truly mean what you said about being together forever? Did you really mean it that I am the "only one for you"? Did you laugh at me behind my back when I asked about your "friend" and you masterfully lied about the true nature of your relationship? Did you notice that the longer you keep your secret the angrier and more belittling you were toward me? And so it goes...

If you feel bad SUCK IT UP. You did this.
Get to a marriage counselor NOW.
This game is no longer about you. Waiting will surely kill the love she has for you. Confessing may be the only way she will believe you are sincere. Even then, she may still boot you--but you owe her that much.

Stop perseverating. Get it done. Let her have the benefit of knowing who you really, really are. Only then can she start to rebuild what you shattered.

Thank you everyone for your insight

I was caught, so I had to reveal it. In hindsight, I don't think I could have lived with the secret forever. It lasted over a year, was with someone we know, and made me think about leaving my marriage. If it were a fling, maybe I could have buried it.

Part of my recovery is letting myself be known. Otherwise, I would still be stuck in a cordial, superficial marriage.

Talk to a therapist first.

I was also caught. But it had to happen. The emotional intimacy that was lacking because I was bearing such a weight of secrecy and deception was driving a wedge between me and my husband.

If I had the opportunity to confess before being caught, knowing what I know now, then I believe I would have done so much sooner. It hurts like hell. I've never experienced pain like it before. But for me, every minute of keeping a secret of that magnitude felt like an existential crisis - constantly questioning who I was and who I would ever be if I continued to lie to the person I claimed to love. I couldn't be a good wife living that half truth.

I'm learning a lot about myself during this process. Having everything in the open and being honest with my husband has allowed me to be honest with myself, which has been crucial for me. No more lies. I don't want to hurt anyone with my lies and choices, but I can't deny that I already have to a devastating degree. We're all just humans doing the best we can while we're here. Good luck to you and may you find peace to make the decision you need to make for yourself during this difficult time.

I've been lurking here for a long time, and finally feel like I can contribute. gravinggirl is right: you should talk to a therapist first. Confessing to your BS at this point is for your benefit more than anything else. At some point, you'll need to, but you talking to a therapist first will help you more than trying to get the guilt off your chest. Why we cheat is much more complex than most of the "wisdom" you'll find in this board. A good therapist will help you learn why and how you made the decision to cheat. Until you know that, there's little to stop it from happening again.

I'm going to disagree with this statement "Confessing to your BS at this point is for your benefit more than anything else."

Confessing is about confessing regardless of what it does to you. Does it help you? maybe, does it give you reprieve from guilt? likely! It doesn't matter, you do it anyway. You do it because NOT doing it is selfish. The alternative is to continue to lie and continue to deny your spouse of the truth. If you were the one that was betrayed, would you say, oh, I'm glad he/she didn't tell me right away? You would surely want to know!

I agree with the comment above: find a therapist first and work through whether it is in the best interest to divulge. NO ONE on this board, including the hurt spouses that post "suck it up" comments in order to shame you and vent on your pain, knows what the impact on YOUR relationship would be. Work through your issues, determine what is right for you, then make the decision.

Re: DocR

The relationship is already dead after the affair started. The faithful spouse is now living a lie and the CS keeping it a secret is controlling the BS and denying them the choice to either end or continue the marriage.

Certainly seeing a therapist would be a good idea, but the longer you wait the worse the disclosure will be.

Juanwilliam mentioned a similar description. Making the decision for your spouse to what they can or cannot handle is ongoing selfishness. It is self preservation to keep the façade of the relationship intact and void the inevitable fallout from disclosure.

I'm taking all comments under advisement.

I'm seeking a therapist.

This was shared with me by someone in AA.

https://www.aa.org/assets/en_US/en_step9.pdf

Bill Wilson was a cheater his entire married life, so I'm sure his 9 th step recommendation of only disclosing what you perceive the other party can handle or won't cause them more harm is influenced by this. Lying by omission is still lying. Bill was the original 13th stepper.

Dont know about Bill Wilson. I only know about my situation. I'll keep this in mind as well. Thank you.