Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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lostintegrity 08/25/2017

My affair has been done for quite some time. The guilt however presents itself at time. My AP and don't communicate. I want to come clean. I feel a strong need to come clean. Almost have many times. Then I hit this moment I started feeling like it will just cause pain for my BS, my family, and those in my circle. Confessing is for my benefit only. How is it that doing the right thing can feel like the most selfish action? This weight is enormous. I am completely at a loss. Am I the only one that's felt this way?

gravinggirl 09/17/2017

The oddest thing is that for me, having had to disclose an affair, is that I truly don't think I want to know if my H ever decides to have one of his own. Not unless it would impact my health. Maybe I will feel differently someday, but this is how I have felt for years.

juanwilliam 09/18/2017

I think that you already know what you need to do. Your handle tells me that you have thought about it and that you know that keeping this to yourself until it is "convenient" or disclosing the affair until the right set of conditions are present is not acting with integrity.

I can tell that you want to do the right thing, but you are afraid of the pain and hurt that it will cost. But consider the paint and hurt that NOT doing the right thing has already caused. What has it gotten you? The pain of suffering lasts only a brief while, it is the fear of the pain of suffering that is keeping you from doing what you already know you need to do.

Find your integrity in all of this. Finding a therapist first seems selfish. Either stay with the lie and deception and come clean to yourself first by deciding that you will not be honest (or not be honest yet until odds or conditions are in your favor), or come clean now. Run towards honesty, or run away from it. Those are your only choices.

forwardmotion 09/19/2017

RE: juanwilliam

Did it take you a long time to arrive at this level of understanding and how did you get to this point? I haven't seen many CSes who have this outlook in disclosure/non-disclosure.

lostintegrity 10/03/2017

I want to thank everyone for their honest opinions. I confessed to my BS

forwardmotion 10/04/2017

It is a big step towards honesty/integrity for yourself no matter what the outcome of this is.

This at least gives you a chance to have an honest and real relationship if she decides to stay and reconcile.

Moving from deceit to honesty and cowardice to bravery hopefully will help sow seeds of hope in your wife's mind. You may not see it in the beginning as there will be a lot of pain and anguish from the shock of the disclosure.

For yourself, go all in terms of openness to his questions and don't give her a reason to doubt you are now being completely honest in admission and omission.

I pray things work out for you.

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