Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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desertflower123 01/24/2016

I'm an OW that was in an A with a MM over two years an three months ago.

I've maintained NC for around two years and three months .

One of the BIGGEST LIES my brain tells me is that I can restart the A with the MM and if we are CAREFUL we will never be caught.

Here are some of the thread that help me overcome those crazy thoughts that I can get away having an A forever and not get caught.

I think I reached the point of being DONE forever.

1) http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/19612185-red-flags-were-missed

This thread showed that my AP is leaving lots and lots of evidence out their for his BS to find out about the A

2) http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/18390317-dday-shock/page-3

This thread showed me that no matter how well my AP think he is hiding the A from his BS, his BS knows that "something" is NOT RIGHT , or suspects that he is having an A.

3) http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/19370127-confessed-found-out

This thread shows me that it is super super easy for my AP to accidently leave out evidence of the A and get caught by his BS.

4) http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/11531113-did-you-get-any-type

This thread showed me that once the A is found out, the BS will be infuriated at me and would likely want to KILL ME. The last thing on earth I want is have someone so angry at me and wants me dead.

That's why I'm staying away from the MM and the A FOR GOOD.

thepassenger 06/10/2016

Yeah I do not want to be on the other end of that kind of rage. Either end, really, but due to my situation I would be on the receiving end. And in the era of the Internet there is really no escape from the BS, no limit to the audience they could reach if they wanted to make it all public, for whatever reason. People do some crazy things, not at all rational, when they are in the grip of anger from betrayal. How would you like to google your name and have details of your affair come up? Things could be really bad even if no violence resulted from discovery. You're right, it is like a death wish.

desertflower123 06/11/2016

Here's another thread where BS's share about beating up the AP.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=541410&AP=21&HL=

desertflower123 06/13/2016

I never ever want to be put in a position where the BS is raging after me morning , noon and night.

Then, I would NEVER EVER know when the BS may snap and go after me with a baseball bat, knife or gun.

desertflower1234 07/01/2016

This coming October, I will have three years of continuous NC from my former AP.

Before I started this thread and found out the things I needed to find out, I STRUGGLED SO SO MUCH WITH NC.

Now knowing that

1) My former AP's BS will obsess about ME for many months or YEARS once the BS finds out about the A . http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=419537

2) My former AP's BS anger will reach levels that are EXTREMELY SCARY to me.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=585892

3) My former AP's BS will obsess ALL DAY about ways to harm ME physically.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=475298

Now that I know that I'm potentially putting myself in GRAVE GRAVE PHYSICAL DANGER if I do break NC and reignite the A, MAINTAINING NC IS SO SO MUCH EASIER.

gravinggirl 07/01/2016

Well, you know my story. Ex AP's wife did take revenge on me. Ex AP himself does some stalking as well.

desertflower1234 07/03/2016

Infidelity related issues is one of the top reasons for murders.

If you read through the threads I linked from survivinginfidelity.com it is not hard to see why. Once an A is discovered just about all the BS's

will obsess over the AP, just about all the BS's get infuriated to the point where they literally tear the AP from limb to limb and just about all

the BS's are hell bent on REVENGE.

chipmonk4 07/07/2016

Desertflower, have you thought about whether the married man would actually not want to re start the affair. Maybe he is the fog still, maybe he has had loads of time to rethink he doesnt ever want to have an affair again. It does not matter, you ought to be focusing more on getting to a healthier place where your happiness derives from within about who you are, not where it depends on you continuing an endless hoop of addiction based on an idealized fictional character. the AP dude is just that, an overgrown ideal fantasy built up to be something he is not in your head.

desertflower1234 07/08/2016

Because I'm not a BS, I struggled to understand why the BS would get so infuriated at the AP.

I found out that the BS will blame the AP for

1) The pain the A caused on the BS

2) The BS's martial problems or divorce

3) Ruining the BS's life.

So, the BS will want to inflict as much pain on the AP as the A inflicted on the BS.

gravinggirl 07/08/2016

I think there is an element of sexism in play. Not only did my AP's wife put all of the blame on me, but other acquaintances reached out to tell me I am a huge jerk for wrecking her family. My AP got less vitriol from everyone. Bottom line, two people agreed to an affair, and each one had an obligation to their own BS. If anything, my AP was the initiator, but because I am female, I was the temptress he could not resist.

whatamithinking 07/08/2016

It's much easier to blame an outside party than to honestly evaluate your relationships, human nature, and coping strategies for dealing with the stress of being a sentient being. If you can blame the "outsider," then you absolve yourself of any responsibility. In the same way that wayward spouses hide in the fantasy of the A, BS hide in the illusion that the AP is primarily to blame.

desertflower1234 07/08/2016

Gravinggirl and whatamithing, I hear you. The BS is not logical when they blame the AP for everything.

When a BS is RAGING they cannot be expected to be

1) Reasonable

2) Rational

3) Logical

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=585892

desertflower1234 07/09/2016

A BS who is hurting,brooding, raging, and blaming the AP for EVERYTHING
is

1) unpredictable

2 ) irrational

And downright DANGEROUS.

I'm not mentioning this to make anyone feel bad.

My only intention is to help the CS break their ADDICTION.

shoretimenow 07/09/2016

You are absolutely right. In fact on the old site a very well known psychologist had an article under the infidelity board that the vast majority of BS's blame the AP.

Interestingly enough, DF, on the Infidelity board right now there is a years-old thread that is perpetuating by a poster (angryelmo?) who has a profile of a spouse holding a golf club next to a clearly battered
?CS. This poster has named his W's AP, where he lives, and where he works.

I'm not sure what surprises me most.
1) That someone can harbor that much anger for more than 5 years without getting help.
2) That DS ALLOWS that harrasment. Who says it's true?
Ironically, he doesn't name his wife in it and we all know we are sure she wasn't holding her legs tightly together saying please stay away.
3) That in this time of so many hate crimes: cops getting killed by snipers, a man going up to a 22 year I old girl and shooting her point blank because he is jealous, and of course, the dozens and dozens of good people massacred because of their sexuality- that people from THIS FORUM that I have come to respect say nothing and in saying nothing they are saying it's ok. It's ok to target your anger and name an individual like he is.

So you are completely right DF, BS's can be completely crazed and downright scary.

He's nothing but an angry, low life coward and no wonder his wife cheated on him.

desertflower1234 07/09/2016

For a long time I was perplexed at why the BS would be so so infuriated at the AP when it was the CS that

1) Broke the vows

2) Chose to cheat and betray the BS

3) lied to the BS.

4) Chose not to use condoms and endanger the life of the BS.

The CS is at least 90% responsible for betraying the BS . So, why do so many BS's get infuriated at the AP?

Around a week ago I put two and two together and had an "AHAH" moment.

Around a week ago I found out that the BS blames the AP for everything.

Then everything began to make sense as to why the BS would get so mad at the AP that the BS can tear the AP from limb to limb.

Yeah, it is totally and completely irrational for a BS to blame EVERYTHING on the AP.

desertflower1234 07/10/2016

So in conclusion.

The CS breaks the vows, chooses to cheat and betray the BS, lies to the BS and chooses not to use condoms and put the BS life at risk.

When the A comes out and the

1) BS is hurt by the A

2) The BS and CS has martial problems and or divorces

3) The BS life is ruined.

.......of course it is 100% the AP's fault.

No wonder it took me years to figure out this logic.

Talk about MISDIRECTED anger. *grin*

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