Good share. More validation that whatever choice we make, will come with consequences. Your 4th link is enlightening - I see so much of my BS in the replies.

I hope these threads have helped people here struggling with NC in one way or another.

I've personally had these threads in my bookmark for some time now and I would just read them randomly now and then when I'm feeling weak and feel like I will break NC.

It was only when I put the threads in order and put a description of what each thread made me realized, I began to see the FULL PICTURE and can see with EXTREME CLARITY of how super super easy it is for my AP'S BS to catch on to the A

I can see that it is super easy for my AP'S BS to catch us having an A in two possible ways.

The first way is that my AP can accidently leave out damning, incriminating and irrefutable PROOF that an A is indeed going on.

The second way is it super super easy for his BS to get a gut feeling that " something " just ISN'T RIGHT, or that my AP is having an A by all the red flags that my AP is giving of.

Now I know for sure that if I restart the A with my AP, sooner or later his BS will find out.

Finally, my mind can no longer LIE to me.

My addictive mind that been telling me lies for over two years.

My addictive mind has been telling me that since I've been on these boards for over two years and I know the mistakes that CS'S make and I know what the BS'S look for , I can coach my AP to better deceive his BS when I do decide to break NC and restart the A.

With my coaching of my AP, I and my AP can have our A cake and eat it FOREVER and not get caught.

I would like to share what I wrote in personal journal because it scared me STRAIGHT and made me want to stay away from my former AP FOREVER.

I hope by sharing it , it may help CS'S or AP to maintain NC.

(Note : My AP will never voluntarily tell his BS anything and has not told her anything.)

Here's what I wrote in my journal.

"My AP might as well tell his BS everything about mine and his A.

My AP can just accidentally leave out damning, incriminating, and irrefutable PROOF that we are indeed involved in an A. By leaving stuff out he tells her in a single event where his BS doesn't have to do ANY WORK whatsoever to find out about the A.


Or, my AP can tell his BS , over an unknown period of time ,little by little by all the red flags that he is leaving out for the BS to find.

Eventually the BS will notice the red flags and put two and two together and get a horrible gut feeling that "something" just ISN'T RIGHT.

Or, she can suspect that we are having an A. Once she gets a gut feeling or suspects an A , all she has to do is to "dig" a little and she will discover our A.

Either way he will tell his BS about EVERYTHING that him and I have been doing. "

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I will apologize in advance if this post INADVERTENTLY offends anyone here in any way.

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I think it would be in the best interest of the CS'S and AP's who's A are NOT discovered yet and whom are struggling with NC that I post this.

It just came to me that :

Affairs are like SHIT.

Like shit it can just be left out for ANYONE to accidentally step on.

Even if the shit is out is temporarily out of sight, it will be hard to hide FOR LONG because of the OVERWHELMING STENCH.

I just remembered a characteristic of my former AP that would scare me FOREVER from fantasizing about breaking NC and restarting the A with him.

My former AP had the WORST poker face.

Here is a link to "Poker Face" by Lady GaGa.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bESGLojNYSo

Back in the day when we were getting our PA on, my AP would have the look of EXTREME GUILT on his face right after my AP and I were done with sex.

Then, he would bring that look of EXTREME GUILT home to his BS.


In hindsight, it was an ABSOLUTE MIRACLE that my and my former AP's A was not discovered.

The best advice I can give for NC is......

NC = No New Hurts.

Thanks Clover.

It's coming back to me that right after sex my former AP's face would light up like a Christmas tree with the look of extreme guilt.

Then my AP would go home to his BS and blink those Christmas tree lights for her for HOURS every single time we had sex.

How the BS DIDN'T find out about our A was an ABSOLUTE MIRACLE.

I don't know how many murders are a direct result of A's.

But I do know that once a spouse is murdered, the detectives always look at the surviving spouse.

I also know that one the FIRST questions the detectives ask the surviving spouse is " Was there an A ?".

Regardless of the actual of the statistics, it is never a good idea to get someone so angry at you where they can kill you.

Once an A is discovered there is more than enough anger to drive someone to kill another person.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=522468




If this doesn't motivate you to maintain NC nothing else will.

In conclusion , if you are a CS or a AP who was smart enough to go NC before you got discovered, just do your best to maintain NC.

I'm sure that neither the CS nor the AP want's to deal with all the drama of discovery day and one or more angry BS.

Before anyone here gets mad at me,

I'm NOT trying to insult, shame, guilt, or mock any CS or AP who are still cheating.

I'm NOT trying to anger any BS either.

I agree with Clover:

NC = No New Hurts

also...

NC = The Beginning of Healing

I'm a long-time CS and "love of my life" A survivor. After one year NC, I *still* fantasize about calling that asshole's wife and letting her know what she's really married to. Boy would that be a pot/kettle situation.

Point being - I was so deeply hurt by him and I don't know if that urge will ever go away. Once you have an A, it definitely has the potential to haunt you for life. It's much easier not to have them in the first place.

But - duh - where's the excitement in that?

^^^^ Amen, sista.
I do think it can haunt you for life even being NC.

I also don't necessarily completely agree with this: One of the BIGGEST LIES my brain tells me is that I can restart the A with the MM and if we are CAREFUL we will never be caught. Here are some of the thread that help me overcome those crazy thoughts that I can get away having an A forever and not get caught.

I think you can have an A an not get caught. I also think you get better at it as time goes on (unless there is a part of you to stop the cycle and wants to get caught- two different things). I believe there are millions of people out there who aren't on DS having A's and doing a very good job at it.

If I ever have sex with my OW I think I will wear that look of guilt too. Thanks for the links. I think about all those things already but still can't find he strength to leave.

Infidelity related rage is one of the top reasons for murder.

I've learned that my getting involved in an A was like a death wish.

Here is a thread where BS's go on and on about how they want to take revenge on the AP.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/archives.asp?tid=495574&AP=1