to answer sarah. As crazy as it sounds to say (and many bs will very much disagree with me) but.......... my marriage improved after we went through rebuilding. It was like hell getting to the other side (btw the other side is still a work in progress) but we found out that we both wanted to be married and have a successful marriage more than anything else.

Do I wish we could have gotten here without an A and OC? Hell yea! But because of who my husband was and the culture and family he grew up in, I think it was inevitable that only doing what EVERY man in his family did before him and then losing his family because of it would shake him to his core.

I'm not saying I had no part in the difficulties in our marriage but definitely not chat worthy. He had some fantasy of marriage that didn't include the "best friend" ideal that I had or the "we got this as a team" approach I did.

My husband changed during the first few years of marriage. Especially when his mom got sick. He expected me to be his extension and care for her (which I did) but at the expense if my own health (taking her to radiation while I was sick with mono) and the expense of my children (5 year old missing school to take careof his mom). I begged him to help me help her. Get up and help get the kids ready with me. He refused. He then would feel rejected when I didn't want to jump his bones that night.

I built up resentment got us into counseling but nothing was resolved because our mc was in the middle of a divorce and seemed to not look at the bigger picture.

I remember saying one of my issues was that he would bring his work phone everywhere and answer it mid conversation while out to dinner. Literally as I'm trying to discuss thisat mc, the mc phone rang. He actually excused himself and left the room.

It's kindof funny now, the ironyof that phone moment.

I tried to get him to come toa different mc off and on for years but he refused. We grew further apart and more resentful. Sex was there but maybe 2-3 times a month. Sometimes it was obligatory and sometimes desired.

In his family and culture it was expected to take on a mistress if you were not getting your needs met. As for the wife? Don't ask don't tell.

I was caught in a vortex of his A, lies, high expectations of family obligations (from me to his family) and I gave him plenty to feel validated over for his A. I was distant, and resentful. I was just buying time until divorce was a viable option.

I will never take blame for him cheating and he doesn't blame me. He did blame me for him feeling rejected. He was rejected but we fell into that black hole together. I did put more effort into being a non than I did being a wife.

My advice to friends note is to prioritize your marriage. One day your kids will be all grown up with familiesof there own and you'll be stuck with a husband you didn't take time to know. A marriage you didn't nurture and a partner you didn't prioritize or respect. Who wants to grow old with somebody They put behind everything and who did the same to them.

Pink and LivingWI, both very interesting posts that describe the complexities of each individual relationship. This is why it is difficult to judge others, often to understand completely where others are coming from if you have not walked in their shoes.

Pink, the second to last paragraph of yours was me, with the exception of the mom part. He blamed me for making him feel rejected, and I can now see why he felt that way. He was wanting our relationship to move along more quickly than I was comfortable with, at the same time making me feel unsafe in the relationship, so me attempting to slow things down came across to him as rejection--which it was not. His cheating was fueled by him believing that I was somewhat disinterested in him, despite the many positive things in our relationship. It was a complete misunderstanding on the part of both of us, and that misunderstanding almost split us up for good. And, like you, Pink, because we have now learned to communicate very well with each other and share our innermost feelings, etc., and our relationship is better than it ever was before the A, and most likely much more affair-proof. So I do get how a relationship can improve post-A, though it is a shame that we have to go through such pain to get there sometimes.