Empty, as a spouse that was cheated on I can tell you there is NO way anyone can blame there none cheating on anyone else. if you felt your spouse was " neglecting you" you should have left, get divorced then find someone else. sorry again but as I said you could not dream the amount of pain that cheating causes to the person that you where supposed to love .........sorry for the rant I'm just still hurting little, good luck to you and remember you would not want to be the one being cheated on....

JD & Husband,

You have both raised the paradox of cheating:

Psychologists agree that in most cases, cheating is the result of problems in the relationship. Problems for which BOTH parties bare responsibility. And yet, it is only the cheaters that are to blame for cheating.

That being said, I don't blame my spouse for my decision to actualy cheat, but she certainly did plenty of things to fuck up the marriage and make me want to cheat.

I agree with Sedge and just as with CS not knowing what BS are going through the same can be said for BS.
I may not be a BS ito a physical or emotional affair but we have also been betrayed in other ways that society ignores. How does a dog feel being neglected locked in a cage whole day. Being given just food, water and shelter. Is the dog suppose to be happy and greatful.

When your financial freedom is taken away, you're spouse works 24/7 and when he's not he'd rather spend his free time infront of the tv or tablet... When all you want is a date with your own husband but you are made to feel guilty because you're a mother. When your role as wife doesn't exist. When your spouse doesnt take you seriously when you say you want to do couples therapy (way before the Affair).. in all your married life. Tell me then do you as BS know how it feels when this is your entire marriage. And the A being at the tale end. Agter post natal depression, pre natal depression, emotional abuse And then despite all the pleeing your spouse still makes it about them as if you still don't exist. And they wonder how does this happen? Those vows also includes loving, cherishing your wife in addition to being faithful. But the CS will always only be the bad one. How about both taking responsibility

I think that BS do own some of the responsibility for troubles and problems in the relationship; and sometimes the BS even owns most of the responsibility for problems. But what the BS does not own is the CS's decision to handle things by cheating. And yes, cheating is a choice that is made, albeit it often in the fog.

The bottom line is that nobody is responsible for someone else's decision--and that goes both ways.

This absolutely the true Sarah. I just wish my H understood this. Right now i am the only 'bad' one. And he punishes me in such subtle ways feels worse than if he just punched me in the face it feels malicious. I have never been the one to 'wear the pants' in the relationship yet now i feel completely under his control. In every aspect of my life. I've stopped working to look after our 3 kids, i am financially dependent (never been since 16 years) and i almost feel like he likes having this power over me and i am not one to ask for money. I was brought up in a home where my brothers were terribly spoilt (cars, pocket money, never had to work) and the girls all had part time jobs, never receive pocket money. My father enjoyed having that power over us - we had to 'beg' for money which i hated so i always had a job , paid for my own studies, never asked him for cent no matter how bad it got.

Empty, he almost certainly does enjoy having power over you. It's a form of emotional abuse; I know it well because my H is the same. When I was having babies and working part-time from home, he loved to lord it over me that he was the breadwinner and in control, etc. Even if he does it subtly, it's impossible not to see.

Have you considered going back to work? Two years ago when my youngest was almost ready for kindergarten, I went back to work full-time, and it may be the best thing I've ever done during my married years in that it gave me back some control over my life. Nowadays, I have a great F/T job, recently got a promotion and am the primary earner as my H only does part-time contract work; however, H still tries to prove that he's the MAN of the house and in control of everything and everyone, all the time. Ugh.

If you have any interest in getting a job, even part-time, I would encourage it strongly as it will open up new options for you, inside your marriage and out.

Completely agree ^ .
Its a form of emotional abuse that will continue as long as you allow it to.
Its unfortunate he refuses counseling to see his contribution to the outcomes in his life and in your marriage; however, you can.
You can choose to your destiny. Eventually the children will be gone and you will be left with him. Think about that. Its a tough pill to swallow, I'm navigating through it now. Life is entirely too short to be in a situation that doesn't bring you joy.

Thanks... I am doing very minor contract work, but it isn't something I can depend on. As much as I'd like to work full time again I do enjoy bonding with my 6 year , 3 year and 4 month old. I love being involved in their life. My H's job doesn't allow him much time with the kids and i do think the kids need at least one parent home with them. Most times he misses their bed time , leaves early morning, is on call often and when he's home- well then he's so tired i just let him relax and not bother him. Never imagined this is how it would be but my kids are the one thing i am proud of in my life... So perhaps i will need to sacrfice work until the kids are older. Also we've done quite a number of moves, different schools- so the kids need stability. Hence need to keep the marriage as together as possible for their sake. My 4 month little boy is just the cutest sweetest baby and they each bring joy and love into the home.. I feel blessed.

Shoretime- he knows how badly we need counselling but his pride and ego gets in the way. Without a job i can't go on my own and i wont dare ask him to pay for it. I don't want a divorce it would destroy my kids and i dont have the strength. Despite my parents being well off i wouldn't want to ask for help- my father will just throw it in my face and it'll be like my childhood- back under his control. Screwed either way. Anyway, focussing on appreciating the little things for now that's what gets me through.

Empty, it sounds like you could use some ic. Your describing your husband and father in very similar ways. They say that we unconsciously marry people that have one or more flaws that were never resolved from our parents. From your description you've been controlled throughout your life.

Could the A have more to do with finding an outlet from a lifetime of control rather than neglect? Or a combination of the 2? If your husband won't try couples counseling then maybe you taking care of toy without breaking the boundaries of marriage. If you're husband is in control of finances he will need to budget this in. Does he have unattended? If not seek out lie cost or free counseling. If your religious, most churches have some type of counseling. Get some food self help books. Ones that focus on the deeper issues. The A seems to be the symptom of some deeper things.

Be open and honest with hubby as to what you are doing. Let him know you're in a journey of self discovery and that you would like him to bea part of it. I think as long as you are open with your actions and don't step outside of the boundaries (keeping secrets, new male friendships etc...), getting help for you can only be positive.

Hopefully your husband is willing at some point to try to work on this with you.

Unattended=insurance
Food=good
Toy=you
Lie cost=low cost

Uggggggg I need to proof read.

Thank you Sarah. you said it better then I ever could. I tack blame for some of our problems. I do not take responsibility for her turning to other men...after all I did not turn to other women even after Dday..... and I watched my mother (who raised me as a single mother) Marry 5 times. I promised myself I would not fallow in her foot steps. that and the fact that I NEVER stopped loving my wife. And Never will. I just pray that Love is enough

HH, I wish you well. Even if your W has true remorse and has gone NC and is doing everything else she can to save your M, she needs to understand that it still might be a long road before complete trust can be achieved, and that she has to be patient, as you have to be patient with her. Healing takes time, and with time, there are no shortcuts.

I truly believe that a lot of affairs could be avoided if, when problems arise, husbands and wives could just talk things out to try to resolve their issues, and really hear each other, and work together to achieve solutions to their problems, instead of shutting down, not communicating, and eventually one or both of them seeking out someone else (which incidentally, solves none of the problems in the marriage and usually creates worse problems and/or regret and pain). I know this sounds simple, but at last it would be a good place to start.

Yes it would Sarah, Like told my wife talk to me, not about me to others
sorry to get off topick

I have questions for the CS--how many of you think that cheating was the answer to solving the problems you were experiencing in your marriage? What was the ultimate outcome of the A, and how did that affect you? Did the A ultimately affect your life in a negative way or a positive way?

I can't say cheating was the answer to "solving" the problems in my marriage, but it most certainly help me realized what I've been missing and that I deserved to feel good, valued and more. The crazy thing is I never felt guilty. I felt guilty for not feeling guilty. I was doing IC before the physical affair started since my H refused MC since he felt everything was "fine". He felt he didn't have any issues and our marriage was "fine". The issue was just in my head. My AP was also doing IC. After our first "physical" affair, we both thought our therapists would say we made a horrible mistake... But instead both of our therapists said that it was good we recognized what we needed and made us felt good and we deserved to feel good. They also said to continue for as long as it makes you feel good. So A can actually be a good thing. But for me, I've decided to move on so it's really no longer an A. I don't plan to spend the rest of my life with my AP. I only plan to enjoy the present moment for as long as it can last because I deserve it.