Hey Empty,

I am a male CS and can relate to much of what you are saying. I lived that double life for over two years and i was pretty good at juggling those lives. I could switch hats very well but it was slowly wearing me down until i just couldn't anymore. My double life became out of control and i was feeling exhausted. Like you, I am more against cheating than before. I now trouble connecting with my W. During the affair there was little guilt and now that it is over, that guilt is there kicking my behind. I have said this before that i didn't regret the affair but just how i handled it. Now, however, I regret the whole thing. Message me if you like.

Sedge - that's interesting.

I am in the camp of inability to feel guilt about this (sociopath?). I am sad, but over the loss of exAP, not the damage to my marriage. Actually, I firmly believe that if everyone is honest and open about their needs/feelings then the marriage can wade through the shit and come out stronger than ever.

I bet my exAP feels like you guys though. He wasn't the affair type; horrible at compartmentalizing, which your cheating sanity needs.

Just give it time. Sounds trite, but it's so true.

Hi BS here. My cs felt more guilt after he ended it too. Maybe not all the time as dday didn't occur for another 7 years. In those 7 years we had lots of ups and downs and I was pretty angry inside almost all the time since I suspected (strongly) that an A had occurred.

But once there was a dday, as a bs, I needed to see his guilt or regret. I needed to know I want the only one living with triggers. Might I suggest you express these feelings when they occur? For example, during that sex scene, lean in and say "I love you, and I am sorry for ever having hurt you". Chances are that the sex scene is triggering her too. Work through them together.

As she can see and feel your pain it will (or could) help heal hers. Coming here to CA helped me understand my husband's pain. He rarely expressed it unless I opened the conversation because he never wanted to rock the boat (persay) or stir shit up. But for me it would have helped me by having us heal together.

We eventually worked through it with lots of therapy and me coming to DS on multiple groups. If you express your pain, ask her if she would rather you not. Maybe this is not the route for you but is worth a try.

I've learned here on these boards that both bs and cs go through their own personal hell from A's.

I can't really offer advice, I'm still early days (6months since I told the truth), but I feel awful every day. My partner is very stoic and doesn't discuss feelings much, he just powers through it. I can't imagine how he's feeling and sometimes I wish he'd get mad at me, but he never does.

I've been trying to do as much learning as I can about A's, but it's very hard as well.
All friends and family know and I think part of my coping now is trying to play it down and see A's as not the worst thing. I still think they're one of the worst things to happen, but I have to see the silver lining or I won't be able to live with myself.
His friends hates me because I don't cry and beg forgiveness from them but all I want to do is move forward.

Why did I do this? Even thinking about reasons that 'justify' my attraction and weakness, I don't understand why I went through with it.

Thanks PinkPony- i'm the wife that had the A... And JD i confessed , i managed to live this double life for a long time- but just could not deal with the guilt even when the A ended which came mostly from my side even though my ex-AP and I had discussed it so many times from the very begginning... The guilt is just so much and while it's only been 6 months since i confessed my H is in a very bad space. This morning he asked if Ive been in contact with my AP and i told him no not since ive confessed and ive honoured NC which i am proud of but at the same time i just feel bad all the time- he doesnt believe me and i dont know how else to prove it- he has full access to my phone and all my emails and social media passwords ive got nothing to hide other than the past which i dont want to discuss anymore it just hurts him even more Moleassesup, we are sortve in the same boat wrt timelines... But my H handles it very differently- nobody else knows as my H doesnt want anyone to know- why why why did i go through with it- who was that person.

I think all of us in A's lead a double life. And the longer it goes on, the better at it we become. Its amazing what I learned I was capable of.

You've said before your H doesn't want to go to counseling. I think from learning your story and his damaging behaviors (to himself, to you, and connection with the APs wife) you both are going to be stuck and challenged to move forward without some professional help. You might just want to get counseling yourself to learn how to deal with his thoughts/behaviors if he refuses to go. Just my opinion.

I can relate to feeling guilty. Personally, I feel as though I'm naturally oriented towards polyamory. My spouse tried to accommodate this part of me ,but it hurt her badly. Maybe this is similar for you? You didn't cheat simply for sport. Right? Empty, this doesn't make you a bad person. The fact that you are making a change for your partner is an incredible act of love. I think feeling guilty is helpful to an extent, but there comes a point where it will hold you back from making the change you want sustainable. Thoughts like, "there's nothing I can do." " I'm just a slut." These thoughts can take away the motivation to try to change. You can be whoever you want to be.

I say these words to encourage myself as well. lol :)

I can totally relate to JustDrifting's post. I have thought about leaving, but I know it would devastate my spouse. My choice was to change or leave. I want to encourage you JD to make this decision as soon as possible for the sake of all those who are involved with you; yourself included. I will also say that I think both choices are valid. At any rate, I think the goal is to be able to live honestly with yourself and all those who you are in relationship with.

Good luck everyone today! May strength be with you.

Trust takes a very long time to rebuild. You have to be caught in the truth many many times for the trust to begin to rebuild. Imagine there's a "ground zero" that's where there is no trust or mistrust. That's the place where as long as you don't get caught lying trust is built. After an A is below ground zero.

You need to get to zero first. Be patient and get into counseling. I will likely never have 100% trust again but I do trust my husband pretty well. Marriage should (imo) always be a work in progress. Never get complacent. That's when the shit can hit the fan.

I think i've suffered with guilt all my life and i am just so tired. My parents were incredibly strict with me, i wasn't allowed a boyfriend until Uni, I had curfews that didn't allow me out much with friends. As a result i used to lie a lot. I lied about having a bf, who I was out with. Fortunately it never spiralled way out of control i never drank or did any drugs. My father had affairs upon affairs and all of my siblings including me was exposed to it- we were all hurt because never not once did he ever apologise to us nor my mother. He pretended to be the victim faked illness just so he could get out of it... Wasn't a great place to be. I married young to get out of the house. My husband was married previously his ex wife physically abused him they were married less than a year.. We barely knew each other when we got married his really bad at communicating... We only learning now sortve how to after I confessed about the A as things in our marriage were just terrible- we are like 2 strangers... 3 kids later... We both committed to staying .. He says he loves me still and im working on loving him for the right reasons... The guilt gets me so bad that i just withdraw. Sometimes im angry at both him and me. Me for having an A for looking elsewhere for love and affection for being wanted emotionally, physically..communicated with like i exist beyond my role as just a young mother. I left my job to be home with my kids and family... Sometimes i'm angry at him for neglecting me as his wife since the beginning. It's so unfair as a CS we are the scum but what about the neglect i felt does this not count? I wish he would treat me the way he treats his friends... His always so happy and cheerful people know him only this way ... I always get complemented by women and men how wonderful he is... This is true but nobody knows how he is with me. Nobody would believe this:(

He really isnt a bad man I just dont know why he becomes so cold... Theres no other man i want to be with- i just crave his love and warmth ... Sounds silly. I fantasize about my husband of growing old with him... Caring for him, him wanting me in every way... Allowing me to take care of him. This is what gets me through day to day..

As the H of a CW I found out over a 2 to 3 week time frame that she had 4 A's over 3 yrs. And I can't shake the thought of her with another man.
Every time I try to make love to her I see them....
I love My W with all my heart and do so want this to go away. She has no contact and is staying strait to me but I can't help that I don't trust....
after soooooooo many lie's.... how do I know? She opened everything to me but there is a delete key on all things.............

Does his neglect count? Yes it did. Before the A yes. Will it count again during this rebuilding process? Yes, absolutely and the rebuild will never be successful unless all issues of the marriage are dealt with.

Just an FYI I'm speaking from the point of view of the bs.

Right now the marriage had suffered a huge trauma. An A is like a traumatic injury that sort of takes front and center stage. As you burgh heal from this trauma, it is important that you both address the holes in the marriage pre A. The holes that you allowed to suck you into an A. Every rebuilding takes its own pace and path. It is important to understand where you allowed the A in.

Blaming his neglect will not sufice. We can recognize how circumstances weakened us but blaming others for our actions can halt healing IMO. I learned that some of my own behavior is a result of my upbringing but I can't blame my mother. I own my faults like my short temper.

Own the choice to enter intoan A but at some point he needs to understand that there are things you need from himad the marriage heals. Nothing happens overnight but even the shittiest of unions can be fixed. Be patient. Read some books on healing the marriage. There is a book that I can never get the name straight but I'll try. "Helping your spouse heal from your infidelity the compact manual".

It's supposed to bea shirt direct read for the cs with a list of do's and don'ts. Also "the 5 love languages" that I result still want to get and have me and hubby read.

It sounds life a great way to learn me about his the other one ticks. So many on the rebuilding marriage after infidelity page have recommended over the years. We also have 2 members here who wrote a book about their path to rebuilding. Cole and gabbys book book but of course I don't remember the name.

Geeze in horrible at giving reading advice. Hopefully somebody will chime in and hello me out lol.

I hope your husband understands your desire to fix this and that as he heals, he can look into the mirror and fix what he needs to add well.

Pardon all the typos

Thanks PinkPony your advice is really helpful... Right now we're so disconnected barely speaking, not even in the same bed. It just seems impossible for any rebuilding when the issues prior to my A is now burning a hole in my marriage. I have such bad anxiety when he's around... It's emotionally draining. I have taken responsibility for my actions and i have told him this many times that what I did was still my choice when i could have dealt with it differently. But we're still at the point of how could i have been so selfish, so coward, done this to our kids, put him at risk of getting std's... How do i answer ??? Yes i am stupid, selfish, naive, a coward. He says he cant walk with his head held high he cant speak to anyone because he doesnt want to ruin my name-

He needs to find an outlet some support. He's a walking contradiction. He doesn't want to ruin your name so he'll just destroy you instead? I understand his hurt and anger but without somebody to talk to and vent to, he's bringing it all home to you.

He needs to find a friend or sibling he can confide in. Maybe you could reach out to a sibling ir friend of his. Tell them what has happened ask them to reach out to him.

If he truly just cares about "ruining your name", he will be happy that you confessed to somebody. If his motives are moreof a selfish nature and he's ashamed to still be with the person who cheated, he will not be happy.

One of my conditions for working on forgiveness with my cs was that he go to reach of my family members to tell them what he had done (he also created a child from his A) and to apologize to them.

It made a HUGE difference in how they handled the reality of what he had done. They saw the pain and remorse in his eyes. I didn't have it in me to defend my choice to give hima second chance. But facing him themselves put it into perspective. They each were able to have some empathy for him and were open to whatever I chose.

It takes a lot of courage to do what my husband did. I have recommended this to others who have dealt with very angry family of their bs.

Just something to consider.

Also if your Christian try a retroveile (spelling?)