Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I'm in a really bad place right now, I really don't know how much more I can take. I feel like I'm failing and I'm losing hope every day. My husband called yesterday to tell me he's going out of the country for a few months (he's military). I asked him what that meant for us, and he basically in not so many words told me he doesn't have any intention of pursuing marriage counseling with me, that he won't forget or forgive my affair, and that basically he's thinking divorce. I feel like I have no ground to stand on, that he's just running away and he won't even give me the slightest chance to prove myself to him. He's been out of the house for almost 4 months, barely speaking to me; when I call he doesn't answer, when he calls and gets fed up with the conversation, he hangs up on me. This is the same man whose motto was "integrity first", the same man who I thought loved me to the ends of the Earth, and here he is not even putting up even the slightest fight to work with me to save our marriage. It makes me question if he even loved me at all. I cheated and that's all I am to him now is my affair, not the 13 years that I took care of him, cleaned up his finances, took care of our home, put up with his difficult family, made him look good, pushed him to better himself, encouraged him, cooked, cleaned, and everything else in between. I was a damn good wife and now I feel so abandoned. He chose to leave when he found out, I begged him to stay. And since he's been gone, I've been taking care of the house and still managing his finances for him. I'm literally all alone while he's staying with his family. I really have no family, I have no friends. There are days that I contemplate suicide. I cry almost every night. I know that what I did was a horrible thing, it was a selfish act, I craved attention and affection and should have never sought it out in someone else. and those are my own demons I'm trying to confront. I had a rough life, there have been so many things that have broken me, but this one has really torn me apart. I wish I never had my affair, I wish I never would have met that other person who helped my unravel all of the good that I had. I thought I was in love, such a stupid girl I am. I fell for an illusion when I already had something real. I don't even know my husband anymore. I feel so lost in all of this. I just want him to give me a chance, I just want to be the wife I was before my affair and the wife I know I could be now, but he just refuses to look past his hurt and see what he valued about me/us beyond the single scope of fidelity. Because there was so much more to us than just that and yet that's all that seems to matter right now. I'm suffering greatly because of what I've done, what I've caused, and what I've ultimately turned my husband into. When does my suffering end? This pain and sadness has consumed my life and I don't know how to cope with it anymore. I'm trying everything in my power to show my husband I'm truly sorry and it's like he just refuses to see anything but what I've done. I'm a shell of a human being at this point. I barely exist and I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, waiting for the other shoe to drop, for the rug to be pulled out from beneath me. I just want my husband back. I want my best friend back. It hurts so fucking much. I hate myself for all that I've done. I hate my affair partner. I hate everything right now. This all hurts too much. I don't know what else to do. I don't have any strength left.
The hopelessness you feel only partially a product of your circumstances but more to do with your worldview.
Contentment is not from wealth, marriage, children, and comfort it has to do with being thankful for blessings you still have.
Rich/healthy people can miserable and poor/sick people can be content.
Growing as a person is something you can use your energy and life to pursue. This will likely bring you some peace.
If you don't have a lot of friends/family perhaps go to a local church community for some support.
There were days when my pain was so acute (my spouse was the cheater), that I was surprised to be alive when I woke up.
You chose to cheat. The next choice is his.
Sounds like you do need to get into therapy so you can move on.
Begged him to forgive me he's been almost normal since Dec 21.2017 n vowed we will both move past this . What tomorrow holds my friend is a mystery to me .he may keep his vow n forgive me n move on or he may distance himself again . Who know I will take it 1 day at a time . One thing that did help me was praying it gave me strengh to get thru each day .maybe that will help you too. Keep strong .may God give u the strengh to get thru each hard day n may God give ur husband the wisdom to see past this n forgive you. Good luck I will pray for you!
It appears you are doing everything you can - counselling, reading and getting medical intervention. Try to eat well and exercise - maybe go walking with a friend.
He needs time to process and his deployment will give him some space to do this.
Keep letting him know your thoughts but don't expect a reply, but if you truly love him just persist.
Do me a favor. Print out what you wrote here & take it with you to a good counselor. I think you will be surprised to find out #1. You're not a horrible person & #2. Your H is acting like an asshole.
"not the 13 years that I took care of him, cleaned up his finances, took care of our home, put up with his difficult family, made him look good, pushed him to better himself, encouraged him, cooked, cleaned, and everything else in between." and "I really have no family, I have no friends."
Your H is like mine. Throughout your marriage he had you thinking he walked on water & in return you pretty much lived his life, whatever he wanted to do, wherever he wanted to go, whatever he wanted to buy.......trips, restaurants, purchases of any kind were decided by him bc, after all, you didn't really care bc you just wanted him to be happy. Free weekends & holidays are spent with his family. Unless you wanted to be away from home 24/7 you had to make a choice between his family & yours bc he demanded you spend time with his so you chose his thinking yours would understand. Believe me, I've had 30 yrs of this. Our grown children even agree with me.
Yes he's hurt, but running home to mommy isn't the answer either. Him threatening you & punishing you is his way to regain control over you. You see he lost that when you had the A. You having no family or friends says to me he's a bit of a sociopath....... Please, take a copy of your post to your counselor. I think he will agree.
The fact that you 'took care of him, cleaned up his finances, took care of our home, put up with his difficult family, made him look good, pushed him to better himself, encouraged him, cooked, cleaned, and everything else in between' means less than nothing, because that's simply what spouses do. You don't get a gold metal for simply being an appropriate wife. While you were doing all that he was working hard defending our nation and being a good soldier. He was thoughtful, kind and did all the things you miss. Most importantly he was faithful to you, because that is what defines a marriage.
If you have been telling him the things you wrote in your post, I'm not surprised he's been cutting the calls short. Regret, drama, tears and reminders about what a good wife you were before you chose to betray him are not what he want's to hear.
He probably needs to hear you say:
-You love him.
-You should acknowledge that he's been faithful under some difficult circumstances and you should have followed his good example.
-Ever thinking another man could make you happy was ridiculous and no other man compares to him in your mind or heart.
-You wish you hadn't been so self-centered and foolish and that you weren't thinking clearly.
-That you plan to spend the next 4 months taking to a therapist about why you would something so out of character for yourself.
-That you plan to remain faithful in hopes of being able to work things out with him.
-That you can't imagine yourself being with anyone else in your lifetime.
-That you probably don't deserve another chance but if he can find it in his heart to give you one, you will forever grateful and that you will never betray his trust in any way shape or form again.
Give him the passwords to your phone, computer and all your social media accounts. Answer the phone every single time he calls, no matter where you are what you are doing. Prove you put him first. Keep a daily journal and give him online access to it, should he chose to have a look. Write for yourself and not for him. Let him see that you mean business. He loves you or he wouldn't have married you and stayed married for so long. People who cheat have a 350% chance of cheating again. He needs to feel safe that you will not hurt him this way again. Figure out ways to make t his happen for him and for you. You don't ever want to feel this way again, right?
You're smart, strong, resourceful and can get through this. I believe in your ability to move forward in a positive way.