I didn't, but I had nothing to lie about. He knew my life, my kids, my husband...we were all like family. I don't know what I could have lies to him about...the condition of our marriage, which he could see for himself?

Meh.

He had no problem lying to me about all sorts of things.

"He" lied? Your husband or the other man?

(Or both??)

As it turned out, the OM lied to me over and over. I caught him in it a few times and called him out, but he always had an answer that I wanted to believe. As I told him at the end, he lied to everyone, and I lied to everyone BUT him.

Oh, and you asked what kind of lies.

He had other women and lied to cover that up. Probably the worst lie was when he told me on several occasions that his mom was ill and they had to take her to the hospital. He used that one several times when he couldn't explain to me where he was. His mom was never ill. That to me is awful...to risk bad karma on the health of a loved one. That really gets to me because my parents both died during the affair and he knows how hard that was for me to take. What an ass.

He also told me he went to a lawyer about a divorce which wasn't true and that he told all his family he wanted out. I still can't wrap my head around it.

I am a terrible liar and rarely lie to anyone. I told very few lies during my affair to anyone. I lived the lie. Lies of omission as well. Lies of cover up. I was, however, completely open with OM about everything while, natural, hiding a lot from my H and everyone else. It actually felt good, at the time, to have that one person who knew everything there was to know and that I was hiding nothing from. I think that increased the bond with him. Conversely, when I came clean and completely transparent and honest with my H, it helped us rebond and heal.

The OM, as that was your question. He lies about the other OW, had at least one more on the,strong while we were involved.

But my husband was in the habit of lying at the time as well, less so now. Usually ego guarding lies, making shit up to never be wrong, to back up his position, more a problem of maturity and self esteem than a desire to deceive. Except for the six months I thought he was having an affair of his own, getting sneaky phone calls from a young woman who turned out to be his pot dealer. He told me he had quit, knew what I suspected, killed two birds with one stone...covered his ass while giving me a taste of my own medicine.

I never did that crazy making stuff to him, never tried to make him doubt his own thoughts. He watches my affair and just never asked of it was what it appeared to be, so I didn't tell.

It makes me so sad how messed up stuff gets when lies get mixed in. Doesn't matter who is lying.

For me, I lied to my husband by saying, "Yeah, everything's ok" or "it's ok" when it really wasn't. He lied to me about where he was going, who he was with, why he was late, who was on the phone, etc. He lied to the OW by making excuses for why he couldn't see her instead of flat out telling her he was going to be with me and/or the kids. I always wondered if he lied about me to her - as many of you have said. "I'll file divorce papers next week/month..." sort of thing. He swears he told her he never would leave me (but what does that mean if you're willing to still sleep with someone?) but from the emails she sent him, she made it sound like he was on the bubble, not that he'd said no.

I also wonder how many cheating spouses will "enhance the truth" or outright lie about how horrible/terrible/miserable things are at home? I once had a guy friend confide in me that he and his wife hadn't had sex in MONTHS... but mere days after he told me that, his wife announced that she was pregnant. I'm pretty sure it wasn't immaculate conception and neither acted like there was another guy, so... yeah.

Thanks for shedding some light. When I get caught up in my "poor me" victim states, I start to wonder why he would lie so much to me but not to her. I guess he DID lie to her at times, but more importantly (if I'm hearing what y'all are saying right) - he didn't have anything TO lie about to her. She knew he was married - he wasn't sneaking around on her (though I wonder if she knew we were still having sex?). He did seem concerned with hurting her feelings, but not all that concerned with holding on to her, which might have caused him to lie?

Anyhow, thank you all. Good insights and definitely a good reminder of how valuable honesty can be - all around.

OK, I am probably really, really qualified to answer this one as a combination BS and an X Other Woman. My serial cheating, emotioinally abuisive X told massive lies about to me about the poor, dumb, broads he cheated on me with. The so-called men I was stupid and inmoral enough to have brief affairs with lied to me significantly. One of them went so far as to plan a whole life with me after they left their wife which they had been planning on doing since long before we had ever met.

So yeah, they lie to their affair partners.

I am currently celibate-by-choice and will never, ever have anything to do with a man who is committed to someone else! And I would like to apologize to you for being an OW. Need to stop now, because I feel so horrible about what I did that I am starting to tear up.

And BTW, it was me who ended it with Eric.

PS I never lied.

I can almost promise you that if he was still having sex with you, he lied to her about it. Most women, myslef included, would go ape shit if they found out the OM was really having sex with his wife. My OM's wife said they did, but very infrequently. So yeah, he lied about that. I would have lost my mind had I known. Ironic? yeah. But nothing about it is very logical if you think about it.

Tantric - no need to apologize to ME, though I appreciate the sentiment.

Believe me, I didn't come here to berate or belittle anyone or demand apologies.

My husband does not articulate his thoughts and feelings well, and I find myself frustrated in trying to understand how things played out. Even though everyone's situation is different, it gives me some idea of how things /could/ have played out to hear other stories, even if they aren't necessarily applicable to our situation.

When I ask my husband what sorts of things he said to the OW, he mostly says, "I don't remember." He's likely telling the truth about that, sadly. It wasn't important to him, not even then. He said whatever he needed or wanted to get through to the next moment. When I ask him if he ever lied to her, his response is sort of a half hearted, "I don't know... maybe... probably..." I know he lied to her based on email exchanges I read. I just wondered if there was more and what sort of motivation was behind it.

It's a bit of a bruise to the old ego to think, "My husband lied to me but not to her..." but having it explained lessens the pain considerably. If there's nothing TO lie about, then why lie? I guess in some ways I should be flattered that he lied so much since he was trying to protect me as much as he was his own self. I am NOT flattered that he lied to me, but I guess I can appreciate that he didn't want to hurt me? It's food for thought, at any rate.

Redlegs - I think it's fascinating to hear your take. The OW in our case was dating a guy (seriously, apparently, since they eventually got married) and yet she was SO very possessive of my husband, even though she'd constantly post photos of her and her boyfriend on Facebook while she and my husband were seeing each other. It's just really interesting how instinct kicks in causing a need for loyalty and faithfulness, even if it's not mutual. Again... more food for thought. I don't think huz is up for that conversation, but I wonder if he ever felt jealous/possessive of the OW who flaunted her boyfriend so blatantly in front of him while all the while writing him emails/texts about the babies they'd someday have. (Aaah... he lied about that to her, too, if only by omission - he had a vasectomy 12 years ago.)

Haha! A vasectomy! Good one!
In case you don't know, my H had an affair that started this whole mess. I blame him because I had no thoughts of anyone else but him until that happened, and he didn't stop. The mess that came from that cannot be described. The OM apparently cheated over 35 years of marriage, and even before they got married. Lying was a way of life for him. He was a real con man.

Loyalty us a concept that gets twisted beyond recognition in an affair. OM had no problem with my H or the fact that H and I were having sex. He'd be 'intimate' with me, then come over to watch football with my H the next day. Somehow, within our dysfunctional little 'family', that was fine. But of one of the guys at the bar or at work hit on me, he'd be sullen and moody for days. Not that any of them even touched history, just at the idea that they wanted to. When one of the guys was drunk and bold enough to kids me--and even though that guy got firmly shut down--that was enough for I'm to lose it. 20 minutes later he had his hands around my throat.

Nuts.

Basically, betcha he told her that you were, cold, frigid, gave him no support, wouldn't meet his needs and I'm fairly positive he was lying. Three out of the four dudes told me that. The other one told she has health problems. My X told them I was frigid, which I am not! Of course X lies all the time. He is cheating on the poor, dumb. botch he left me for. But he has many mental health conditions.