Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
So I've been in my current relationships for about two and a half years. While I won't claim that we're "as much in love as we were," my girlfriend and I do love each other. I love her, and I want to be with her for the rest of my life.
That said, when I'm drunk, I've twice made stupid decisions that have hurt my relationship. The first time, about a year ago, I got very drunk at a party and ended up cheating with a girl who had been pursuing me for a few months. We didn't have sex, but we got very close and did pretty much everything BUT. I never intended it to happen. But it did.
I'd given myself every excuse when it happened: I was drunk, she came onto me, she took me away from my friends to ensure no-one could stop me...It didn't work. I felt like hell for weeks, and confessed what had happened to my girlfriend, who forgave me, and also blamed my friend.
However, saturday night, it happened again. It has been a month straight out of hell, and there had been some problems in my relationship, but we'd been doing better. I'd had a huge fight with my bestfriend/roommate, and so I'd been kind of lonely from that. I also have a conference this weekend that I've been preparing for for months, so that had been stressing me out. Trying to enjoy a weekend off, I'd been drinking at my good friend's house, and fully intended to go home to my girlfriend. As I was walking, I had a friend text me and tell me she was drinking. I told her I was on a walk and how beautiful it was outside (it was, it's been horrible weather for weeks, but it was the first clear night since winter had begun). She came outside to hang with me. That should've clued me in, but it didn't. long story short, we hung out for several hours, and we ended up drinking at my house. We were in separate chairs, I didn't even really think she was attracted to me sexually. However, drinking continued, and then, long story short, she kissed me on the mouth. That started what turned into making out, and then everything BUT sex, just like last year. Yes, I was drunk, but I also knew what I was doing. The INSTANT it was over, I felt like the asshole that I knew I was. She told me that we'd just pretend it never happened, we'd just pretend it was a drunken mistake, but all it took was a couple of hours for me to know that I couldn't do this.
I hate myself. i loathe myself, I want to die, I hate myself that much. I told my girlfriend less than 8 hours after I'd pretended that I'd let it stay a secret, but I didn't tell her everything. I told her that I'd gotten drunk and that I'd ended up making out with people. She forgave me, saying "It's just kissing. It's not like you slept with anyone." Technically, I know that's true, but it's only technically true. I know that, and the fact that I know it isn't leaving me alone. I don't want her to know, I don't want her to get hurt. But I don't want to lie to the person I love most in the world.
I have cheated on the person I love most in the world. Is our relationship perfect? No. Is she perfect? Absolutely not. There are problems in our relationship. But that doesn't make what I did ok, and I know that. I don't want to lose my girlfriend, but I feel that I deserve to. I feel like I want to die, or just wink out of existence. I keep going back to the moment the girl I cheated with kissed me, and wishing that I had listened to the voice in my head that told me to just throw her out and go to bed or go to my girlfriend's house. I can't even pray. I have no idea what to do.
That said, when I'm drunk, I've twice made stupid decisions that have hurt my relationship. The first time, about a year ago, I got very drunk at a party and ended up cheating with a girl who had been pursuing me for a few months. We didn't have sex, but we got very close and did pretty much everything BUT. I never intended it to happen. But it did.
I'd given myself every excuse when it happened: I was drunk, she came onto me, she took me away from my friends to ensure no-one could stop me...It didn't work. I felt like hell for weeks, and confessed what had happened to my girlfriend, who forgave me, and also blamed my friend.
However, saturday night, it happened again. It has been a month straight out of hell, and there had been some problems in my relationship, but we'd been doing better. I'd had a huge fight with my bestfriend/roommate, and so I'd been kind of lonely from that. I also have a conference this weekend that I've been preparing for for months, so that had been stressing me out. Trying to enjoy a weekend off, I'd been drinking at my good friend's house, and fully intended to go home to my girlfriend. As I was walking, I had a friend text me and tell me she was drinking. I told her I was on a walk and how beautiful it was outside (it was, it's been horrible weather for weeks, but it was the first clear night since winter had begun). She came outside to hang with me. That should've clued me in, but it didn't. long story short, we hung out for several hours, and we ended up drinking at my house. We were in separate chairs, I didn't even really think she was attracted to me sexually. However, drinking continued, and then, long story short, she kissed me on the mouth. That started what turned into making out, and then everything BUT sex, just like last year. Yes, I was drunk, but I also knew what I was doing. The INSTANT it was over, I felt like the asshole that I knew I was. She told me that we'd just pretend it never happened, we'd just pretend it was a drunken mistake, but all it took was a couple of hours for me to know that I couldn't do this.
I hate myself. i loathe myself, I want to die, I hate myself that much. I told my girlfriend less than 8 hours after I'd pretended that I'd let it stay a secret, but I didn't tell her everything. I told her that I'd gotten drunk and that I'd ended up making out with people. She forgave me, saying "It's just kissing. It's not like you slept with anyone." Technically, I know that's true, but it's only technically true. I know that, and the fact that I know it isn't leaving me alone. I don't want her to know, I don't want her to get hurt. But I don't want to lie to the person I love most in the world.
I have cheated on the person I love most in the world. Is our relationship perfect? No. Is she perfect? Absolutely not. There are problems in our relationship. But that doesn't make what I did ok, and I know that. I don't want to lose my girlfriend, but I feel that I deserve to. I feel like I want to die, or just wink out of existence. I keep going back to the moment the girl I cheated with kissed me, and wishing that I had listened to the voice in my head that told me to just throw her out and go to bed or go to my girlfriend's house. I can't even pray. I have no idea what to do.
I wonder if your problem is more alcohol related? You might not be an "alcoholic" per se, but might be a problem drinker.
You ever try to dry out, abstain for a while.
I might go talk with a substance abuse counselor and have an assessment done.
I'm preparing a letter now for my girlfriend where I'm going to fess up for real this time.... I think the term for that is D Day? I don't know, but whatever it is, it's coming soon, I can't live like this.
Medical professionals really don't use the diagnosis "alcoholism". We have 2: alcohol dependence and alcohol abuse.
That being said, many people have drank too much on occasion. Its the history of more than several incidents of our drinking causing us to have negative effects on our life that bring the diagnosis.
Twice now your drinking has significantly jeopardized a relationship you say you really care about. Has drinking negatively affected other relationships, friendships, bones, finances, etc?
I might just go have a consult with someone who does substance abuse evaluations. You may learn something, may, not, but at a minimum, the GF will see you taking the issue seriously.
Best of luck with the disclosure.
To see the hurt on her face and to realize that I'd completely betrayed her trust just...hurt. It hurt more than anything I thought could hurt. She told me that I need to forgive myself if I expect her to forgive me...I don't know how if I can do that. Frankly, I don't think I can.
I think the important thing here is not to focus on how horrible of a person you feel like you are. That will only make her feel a need to somehow help you not feel so horrible about yourself. Yes, you feel like the scum of the earth but take that energy and put it taking proactive steps to fix what is broken. To heal. By healing yourself you will help her heal.
Here is a link called healing steps for the CS which will give you a good jump start while you are getting that other book. When you go to this link you will find some other good articles on healing infidelity as well.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/healing-infidelity-through-faith/news/view/4974162
Take a multi-faceted approach to healing this situation. the counseling is excellent both individual and together. The book I suggested will set you in the right direction and help you help your GF. As far as prayer goes, that was a very hard thing for me at first too. I started with a short prayer. "Lord, Jesus Christ, have mercy on me a sinner." I would pray that over and over while I bawled my eyes out. The worse I felt the more fast and furious I would say it. Mercy, BTW, means love in action and that is what you want God to do right? You want him to take action with you. That prayer really helped me and over time I was able to pray more and more. You can change up the words a bit to suit you if you like.
Hope that helps a bit. It is a very good thing and in the long run I believe it may prove to help your GF move forward with you, that you are unable to keep such a thing a secret. My H wishes I had been like that too instead of having to get caught after 7 mos.
I know she doesn't want to do counseling at the moment as a couple, because we're only going to physically be together for about a month more before she goes to Europe for a year on her job. That's just another factor that makes what I did and what I am all the worse.
I wrote her a letter of promises this evening, not grandiose promises, but promising that I will work my hardest to repair this, that I will place her first and honor her above else, that I will share all of my life with her, and that I will make myself worthy of her and of her love again. She seemed to take that relatively well. But seeing the pain in her eyes was horrible. I never want to do this again, I want to run away from it, but I don't think I could run far away enough to not see the pain in her eyes...
I've been praying the Psalms all day, including Psalm 6, 51, 102, and 130. I still hate myself, though. I find what I did even more repellant because I did it at the beginning of Passion Week, where we're supposed to be remembering Christ's sacrifice, but all I can think of is that i spurned that sacrifice and that love, as well as the love of my GF by giving into my own selfish, drunken, evil desires...
I'm not going to kill myself, but I want something horrible to happen to me, I want the world to swallow me up, I want my girlfriend to shoot me in the head, I want to die.
This too shall pass.
If you need to please , reach out to your "real life" family and friends for help.
Big hugs.
Big hugs.
It sounds like you're on the right track seeking counciling. In the mean time limit your drinking with or without your girl friend being around.
You need to set your boundries and your limits when it comes to drinking and being around other females. Don't put yourself in what proves to be difficult situations for your relationship.
Become the person you both deserve.
Sending you support!