So I've been in my current relationships for about two and a half years. While I won't claim that we're "as much in love as we were," my girlfriend and I do love each other. I love her, and I want to be with her for the rest of my life.

That said, when I'm drunk, I've twice made stupid decisions that have hurt my relationship. The first time, about a year ago, I got very drunk at a party and ended up cheating with a girl who had been pursuing me for a few months. We didn't have sex, but we got very close and did pretty much everything BUT. I never intended it to happen. But it did.
I'd given myself every excuse when it happened: I was drunk, she came onto me, she took me away from my friends to ensure no-one could stop me...It didn't work. I felt like hell for weeks, and confessed what had happened to my girlfriend, who forgave me, and also blamed my friend.

However, saturday night, it happened again. It has been a month straight out of hell, and there had been some problems in my relationship, but we'd been doing better. I'd had a huge fight with my bestfriend/roommate, and so I'd been kind of lonely from that. I also have a conference this weekend that I've been preparing for for months, so that had been stressing me out. Trying to enjoy a weekend off, I'd been drinking at my good friend's house, and fully intended to go home to my girlfriend. As I was walking, I had a friend text me and tell me she was drinking. I told her I was on a walk and how beautiful it was outside (it was, it's been horrible weather for weeks, but it was the first clear night since winter had begun). She came outside to hang with me. That should've clued me in, but it didn't. long story short, we hung out for several hours, and we ended up drinking at my house. We were in separate chairs, I didn't even really think she was attracted to me sexually. However, drinking continued, and then, long story short, she kissed me on the mouth. That started what turned into making out, and then everything BUT sex, just like last year. Yes, I was drunk, but I also knew what I was doing. The INSTANT it was over, I felt like the asshole that I knew I was. She told me that we'd just pretend it never happened, we'd just pretend it was a drunken mistake, but all it took was a couple of hours for me to know that I couldn't do this.

I hate myself. i loathe myself, I want to die, I hate myself that much. I told my girlfriend less than 8 hours after I'd pretended that I'd let it stay a secret, but I didn't tell her everything. I told her that I'd gotten drunk and that I'd ended up making out with people. She forgave me, saying "It's just kissing. It's not like you slept with anyone." Technically, I know that's true, but it's only technically true. I know that, and the fact that I know it isn't leaving me alone. I don't want her to know, I don't want her to get hurt. But I don't want to lie to the person I love most in the world.

I have cheated on the person I love most in the world. Is our relationship perfect? No. Is she perfect? Absolutely not. There are problems in our relationship. But that doesn't make what I did ok, and I know that. I don't want to lose my girlfriend, but I feel that I deserve to. I feel like I want to die, or just wink out of existence. I keep going back to the moment the girl I cheated with kissed me, and wishing that I had listened to the voice in my head that told me to just throw her out and go to bed or go to my girlfriend's house. I can't even pray. I have no idea what to do.