Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I am so glad to find this site, I almost can't contain myself. I have no one to talk to at all, no one can know what I'm doing. I am so confused & disgusted but then again thrilled & maybe even happy? I hate myself.
I have been faithful for 20+ years in a relationship that I don't want to go into lots of detail about right now. I can't bring myself to do it. But I will say that I have never felt good enough for him, I have always had a huge insecurity issue with him, and he has helped foster that, I think without even realizing it.
So over the years, I have always kept up with my high school/college boyfriend. We have always talked a few times a month, sometimes more. He's always professed his love, I did sometimes, but we never went any farther with it. Life & families never allowed us to be together. We didn't even try.
Then I guess I was feeling vulnerable one day last month, he picked up on it, and BAM. We are now having the biggest emotional affair I could ever dream of, along with phone sex. We have plans to meet in August, because every single weekend until them, one of us is booked with something. He lives 8 hours away.
This cannot end well. It will not end well. He is now single & I have told him that I cannot/will not leave my husband. He's willing to do a part time thing, saying he will move to my city & be there for me whenever I can be there. Says he wants me & only me and that's all it's ever been for our whole lives. He said he's not going to settle ever again & if he can only have me part time, so be it. I know it's true, I've felt the same way and we've said this to each other, in a way, over the years. But knew it couldn't work out.
My husband trusts me completely. He's not snooping into anything, he's not worried about who I'm talking to, texting, emailing, or anything else. He would probably literally have a heart attack if he found out. He wouldn't believe it at first. Of course this makes it worse.
I don't know if someone needs to kick me & talk some sense into me or if I need to just run a thousand miles away & leave them both alone.
I feel so understood & loved with my old flame. He says all the right things, we have always known we should have been together & stayed together, but life didn't take us in that direction. We are true soul mates. I do love my husband but my old flame is my one & only SOUL mate. But I will not leave my husband, we have invested so many years, so many life events, and he's done nothing wrong. He doesn't deserve to just be left by a cheating wife.
I have no idea where to turn, who to talk to, or what to do. I can't believe I got myself into this. I have told my old flame that there's a chance I may not be able to do this because of the stress & guilt. I am so emotional already and we haven't even met up. He said he understands but he feels sure I will choose him in the end. I told him that's not happening, I'm not leaving. He doesn't believe me. And.... I don't know what to believe. I don't know WHAT I will do.
Well thanks for listening, I am just a very confused & sad person right now.
I have been faithful for 20+ years in a relationship that I don't want to go into lots of detail about right now. I can't bring myself to do it. But I will say that I have never felt good enough for him, I have always had a huge insecurity issue with him, and he has helped foster that, I think without even realizing it.
So over the years, I have always kept up with my high school/college boyfriend. We have always talked a few times a month, sometimes more. He's always professed his love, I did sometimes, but we never went any farther with it. Life & families never allowed us to be together. We didn't even try.
Then I guess I was feeling vulnerable one day last month, he picked up on it, and BAM. We are now having the biggest emotional affair I could ever dream of, along with phone sex. We have plans to meet in August, because every single weekend until them, one of us is booked with something. He lives 8 hours away.
This cannot end well. It will not end well. He is now single & I have told him that I cannot/will not leave my husband. He's willing to do a part time thing, saying he will move to my city & be there for me whenever I can be there. Says he wants me & only me and that's all it's ever been for our whole lives. He said he's not going to settle ever again & if he can only have me part time, so be it. I know it's true, I've felt the same way and we've said this to each other, in a way, over the years. But knew it couldn't work out.
My husband trusts me completely. He's not snooping into anything, he's not worried about who I'm talking to, texting, emailing, or anything else. He would probably literally have a heart attack if he found out. He wouldn't believe it at first. Of course this makes it worse.
I don't know if someone needs to kick me & talk some sense into me or if I need to just run a thousand miles away & leave them both alone.
I feel so understood & loved with my old flame. He says all the right things, we have always known we should have been together & stayed together, but life didn't take us in that direction. We are true soul mates. I do love my husband but my old flame is my one & only SOUL mate. But I will not leave my husband, we have invested so many years, so many life events, and he's done nothing wrong. He doesn't deserve to just be left by a cheating wife.
I have no idea where to turn, who to talk to, or what to do. I can't believe I got myself into this. I have told my old flame that there's a chance I may not be able to do this because of the stress & guilt. I am so emotional already and we haven't even met up. He said he understands but he feels sure I will choose him in the end. I told him that's not happening, I'm not leaving. He doesn't believe me. And.... I don't know what to believe. I don't know WHAT I will do.
Well thanks for listening, I am just a very confused & sad person right now.
Welcome! Your husband sounds sooo similar to mine. I never felt I was good enough, but no, he doesn't deserve it either..
As for your AP, part time will NOT be enough eventually. I once had an EA / phone relationship with a single man who said the same thing to me.....after about a year it became: "You are never going to leave him are you?" or "There is a part of me that wants to knock on that door and say 'she is coming with me' " or "Its Christmas and there you are with your family and here I am with my dogs" or you'll see him start to date -it'll be weird, but what can you say, you are married-, or if he has a life event and needs to talk to you, calls you at all hours.......
Would you want to be second fiddle to someone?
No, it didn't end well. He eventually asked me to leave, gave me an ultimatum, and my H found out all in the same week. For a very long time I was actually angry he had fallen in love with me because in the process I lost a very dear friend....very selfish on my part in all ways. He contacted me about 3 months ago...I didn't respond.
I am not here because of that A; however, I am in IC after a "real-live" A ended almost 5 months ago. I can't' speak highly enough of IC. I wish I had done it after the first time, because maybe there wouldn't have been a 2nd, and I damn sure don't want there to be a 3rd. IC has helped me enormously with clarity and also to work with the idiosyncrasies of my relationship with my husband.
Troll the boards...where are stories may be different we are all similar, use your journal, and make some friends. I have even shown my IC this site and responses I have gotten and she actually thinks it is helpful.
Listen to what your gut is telling you. I know its so hard......
And I just got queasy reading your reply---it sounds like my every fear come true. He won't be happy with part time. Lonely life & lonely holidays. He will come to my door. Make demands. Call at all hours. Basically, blow it.
Right now we haven't moved past saying things on the phone. All the proclamations of true love and the dirty talk & the instances of phone sex (ugh---so not me).
I think I am looking for a way to get out of it & go back to my insecure, sorta happy-sorta unhappy life. But the promise of someone who accepts me unconditionally and pays attention to me & just "knows" me... I can't give that up right now. :( :(
This guy knows more about me & understands me more than my husband ever will, or ever has, in 29 years.
AP affair partner: IC individual counseling; MC marriage counseling; A affair : H husband: BS betrayed spouse: CS cheating spouse: OM other man; OW other woman; W wife; xAP ex affair partner; STBxW : soon to be xwife; that's all I can think of....ask away for more.
Again, we all get it...we are all either in it or trying to heal from it......
Please find love and happiness with your family. Turn it off while you can. The road you are walking down is morally wrong a mental torture and filled with heart break. I wish I would have never face booked my OW.
trust me...it may feel good right now. but it wont end well. your hubby will eventually get suspicious. or your AP will want more than you can give him. but we are all here for you...the people here have been my rock when i have needed it.
There are certainly a lot of feelings and a lot of big decisions to make. Here to listen & try to help & go through it together.
To JustDrifting: You scare me with saying he'll make sure my H knows. He swears he would never. I have lied & told him it would end up violently for me if he ever make contact with my H. A little blackmail-y of me, I know, but maybe that will keep him from contacting him or making himself known.
Thanks to everyone for your words of advice & encouragement. How on earth did I get here.
So tough love: Don't make him be the one to end it. You need to do it. Be firm. Go NC. everyone here will support you. You already know that its not a good idea (or else you wouldnt be here). The road forward from today onto the eventual D-Day (either hubby finding out or breaking it off with OM) will not end well.
Meanwhile the OP will begin to fill the void, you'll become closure and closure. Meeting will be perfect they'll be even better than you thought. When you come back your impure bound will become stronger. If you have kids they'll pick up on how you are beginning to treat your spouse.
You'll fade more and more out of your current relationship. You'll become more lost and more attached to them. You'll be checking your text email and phone dying to hear from them. You'll feel happy and will become more distant from your spouse. You will be destroying that relationship a little everyday!!!
Then bam you'll be like the rest of us on the site. Three things will happen you'll get caught, they'll dump you or eventually you'll figure it out. All three are awful.
Want to know what I've been going through for 50 days hell, crying lost angry grieving sad mad and even more.
Since I've gone NC and made 10 days now I'm finally crying less. But I sit and still think about it all. I wish someone would have told me how stupid I was about to become.
I hate what I did and how my feelings have turned from happy to depressed.
My advice take the time and work on your current relationship.
I'm telling you the path you are on is awful turn and go a different direction just don't do it!!!!
I hope the people on here can bear with me... I foresee crying & whining in the future, more than I've already done since I found this site last night.
I could not believe I actually googled "Support for cheating wife" and there was actually such a site.
But you are so right, I'm in some rose colored glasses stage.
I will definitely need the support. My mind is telling me what to do, now I just have to convince my heart.
And the part about becoming more distant to my H. Exactly. I have to say, on Friday night, he was being a grumpy old jerk & I just flopped over on the bed & thought to myself, That's ok, I have someone who really loves me and wouldn't be mean to me, and I'll just think about him.
With everyone's stories that I'm hearing, it's giving me more & more courage to do what I have to do. I have 7 weeks before our meeting is planned. I comfort myself with saying, all I have to do is stop answering texts & phone calls. That's ALL! Two little things could stop this right now. It's not a full blown affair yet. It's just a matter of saying, I'm sorry I can't do this. That's ALL. But so hard.
Do you mind if I ask, how did your AP take the breakup?
we are here for you anytime you need it. we have all been there. you are actually lucky that you will be getting out (hopefully) before you have to go through the pain we have had to deal with. i know it doesnt seem that way now but 6 months from now you will thank us (i hope).
I am not making any of this shit up. This is what you face if you keep going. Who knows how your hubby will become suspicious but he will. trust me. and who knows what he will do with the information that he will find.