Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

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imnoangelangela 08/12/2015

I really need your advice. I was all mentally shored-up to break it off with the OM and focus on my H, like I know I need to do. My AP is always hot then cold. When it's great, it's great, then he drifts off and comes back. Lately he's been cold and it really helped my mental resolve to end things.

I was just about to end it and he got laid off from his job, his company is going out of business. He's in a major funk, understandably. It has made him turn away from me even more and is so cold do me. He hasn't contacted me for days.

I'm so, so, confused on whether to keep my resolve to end things or wait until he lands a new position. I know he'll try to contact me again sooner or later. I don't want to be heartless, I love him and always will.

What would you do? I'm afraid if I wait, I will be head-long into the A again and I won't be able to end it. Is it just too heartless? Advice please!

sarah2220 08/12/2015

It is not heartless, your A has nothing to do with the fact that he lost his job. Your relationship is not a marriage.
He has turned away from you--take that and run with it!

Don't use his work situation as an excuse to drag things out--it is not going to be easy, whether you drag it out or not--in fact, it might be harder if you do.

imnoangelangela 08/12/2015

Thank you! I was thinking along those lines but needed confirmation. I really appreciate it! I feel much better about it.

tulipsinbloom 08/12/2015

Take the opportunity to end it now while you're feeling not so into it. There are always going to be things that come up in people's lives, there may never be a "good time" to break up.

imnoangelangela 08/13/2015

Thank you Tulips! It's so hard to do anyway and I know this is the time. I think I was internally using the situation against myself. I feel more resolve now than I ever have.

imnoangelangela 08/14/2015

Well, right after I posted yesterday, my AP walked in my door. I just got that "I can't do this (Breakup)" feeling. I was near tears. He was being all talkative and then said, "You're not saying much." My stomach was in knots.

I finally mustered the courage to tell him that we needed to talk. I *think"*I broke it off??! I let him know I couldn't continue with the relationship, in so many words.... He was upset and wanted to know if we could at least be friends. After further discussion he managed to turn it around and say, "Let's think about it for a few weeks and talk again." This is brutal.

sarah2220 08/14/2015

Do you really want to take a few weeks to think about this??? I would cut it off now, go no contact (and no you cannot be friends---unless he is a friend of your marriage and he is definitely not that).
IMHO, he is trying to manipulate you into doing what HE wants. But this is not about him--it is about your marriage.

I have a question--when you started the A, did your OM know you were married from the beginning?
The reason I ask is that if so, he needs to realize that he willingly stepped into the role of the other man. He has to know that carried risk.

His risk just has not paid off for him, as like the majority of CS, you are wanting to save your marriage. Both of you need to be free to live more healthy lives.

imnoangelangela 08/16/2015

No, I really don't need a few weeks. I really need strength to stay the course. I know it's the right thing to do but it is so hard. The OM and I were friends most of our lives and teenage sweethearts. We are both married. Lots of history and hurt and love and it's tough.

sarah2220 08/16/2015

Lifelong friends and teenage sweethearts who choose to marry other people need to stick with those decisions, and respect each other's marriages. I know the fact that you guys go way back makes this more difficult, but nobody's marriage can get back on track unless the A ends.

Doing the right thing is sometimes very hard, but in the end it usually pays off.

tulipsinbloom 08/17/2015

@angela, Believe me I know how hard it can be, given the friendship and history. My situation with my OM is very similar to yours. Especially the idea of going NC with him, that is something I really struggle with and why I haven't been able to really end it with OM.

imnoangelangela 08/17/2015

Sarah, I totally agree. What I did is so wrong. Thing is, my marriage is not off track. I guess I'm just screwed up and weak to have still have let the feelings in for my old flame.

Thank you Tulips.

What is helping me the most right now is keeping a running list of all the OM's flaws and counting my blessings with my H and focusing on his positives. It doesn't seem to help to beet myself up (done plenty of that) but instead to try to figure myself out. I feel quite strong today and it's liberating to have ended it. I want my peace back.

imnoangelangela 08/17/2015

wow, *beat* myself up. I wish there was an edit button on these threads.

sarah2220 08/17/2015

Just stick to your guns (about having ended it). He very well might try to change your mind. Don't even go there--it is unhealthy for everyone involved.

imnoangelangela 08/31/2015

Well, my OM came back to see me at work (I have a lot of privacy at my job), after the "thinking about it" period. He had sent me a few texts before that and I didn't respond to them. He tried to do the "Lets just be friends" thing at the office. After he left, I had an overwhelming sadness come over me. I had to leave work early and I cried in my car all the way home. When I got over my crying spell, I got up the courage to send him a text asking him to not come see me anymore or contact me. He just responded "That sucks. Peace, Love and Happiness!!" What an ass.

I feel free, yet I think he'll be back. I made an appointment today to see a counselor next week.

sarah2220 08/31/2015

I wish you well, it does sound like things will be OK for you. :-)
Just keep remembering the OM's flaws!!

imnoangelangela 08/31/2015

Thanks Sarah and JustDrifting!

JustDrifting: Great insight about the counselors... (I've never sought counseling.) That's good stuff. I've definitely had enough but I have to be honest and admit that I will miss it and that's what scares me. I have to stay focused on everything that is wrong with the A and why it's not worth it.

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