yes. private if you'd like.

private message sent, @roma.

yes please!

Yes. Share.

Yes please!

Yes please :) I would appreciate it!

Yes...that would be great!

I went in on time, for a one hour session with a top psychologist, It wasn't cheap, but he is one of the best. I had seen him once before, about the OW, so he had the context already. I didn't have to explain it all again.

How i described the problem:
I told him that I thought that it was over. I said that after 2.5 years of CONSTANT contact (like literally every hour) she just pulled the pin. I mentioned how she was undergoing severe anxiety and stress currently and wanted time to herself. I mentioned her traits and personality, what led to the time-out,and her relationship with her husband. I mentioned how I was feeling, where I was feeling it, and how lost I was. I mentioned the constant anxiety and pain, sorrow and misery.

His response:
You have been exiled, and there is nothing that you can do about it. You are someone that likes to exercise control over the situation, but you cannot do that here. The situation is bad, and you are in grief. You are working through grief.
GRIEF:
When a person works through grief, the first stage is denial. That's the one that I am in. When a person is in denial, they do things like re-read messages, with a skew towards seeing what THEY want to see in those messages. Also when a person is in denial, they refuse to believe that it is over, and they look for signs that the "relationship" is still "alive". They constantly wait for messages, agonise over when to send and when to reply, and when she will message. This is all the denial stage of the grief cycle. It is important for the person in grief to realise this, THE IMPORTANT THING IS FEEL AND WORK THROUGH THE PAIN because that is what helps you develop the skills to move ahead. The next stages are anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. (Now i knew all this stuff existed of course, but it was interesting to see that I was stuck in the denial stage).

THEN I ASKED HIM - IS THE RELATIONSHIP OVER?
His Answer:
All we know is that she has asked for a pause. This is important - there is nothing that suggests that it is over, or that it will continue. There is no way of knowing. All we know is that there is a pause (because that is what she asked for). Therefore I have to get used to living in "THE PAUSE". (now as you can imagine this is the worst news in the world to me, but whatever - i have to live with this 'pause').
I am not to react to her in anyway that does not comply with what she has asked for. I have to establish boundaries that help me to live with 'the pause'. This includes how much i think i can handle the messaging, how often, and what i would do if she suddenly asked me to come over. What is important is that I should do what i need to, to get through 'the pause'. Because unless I cut all contact immediately (which i am not ready for) then I have to get used to the pause.

WHATS NEXT?
He then went into the most valuable part of the session. He explained what would happen next. He said that her behaviour would consist of four clear things - Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity. He explained that her behaviour would swing wildly within those four markers. One day she may be affectionate, the next day cold (volatile). SHe would give me no signs of whether or not there was an 'US' anymore (uncertainty). SHe would behave in unexplainable ways and say and do things that were not in character, because of the complexity of things happening in her mind. And finally, she would not give me the whole picture on thigs - barely even a bit of the picture actually (ambiguity).

In order to survive, i need to develop strategies to deal with these four things. I need to develop skills to deal with volatile communication, uncertainly about whether she loves me still or not, or wants to be with me, i have to deal with lots and lots of complexity in this situation, and finally, i will not have the whole picture, and i have to be ok with that.
In a word, the doctor said - expect CHAOS.

All this really helped me, and i hope you get something out of it. particularly accepting the pause, and not fighting it. i still fell like crap, but its one step at a time right.

Next session Tuesday.

By the way I thought about putting this in a journal but then random lurkers who need the help (like I did) wouldn't get to see it. However if the community feels I should take it into a journal then I will.

Take care guys. Keep trying.

I think you sharing this here is awesome, as long as you are okay with sharing it. I think the psychologist pointed out a lot of truth. I firmly believe too that letting go of the relationship is a grieving process, and unless you go through true NC and allow yourself to go through the painful grieving process- you will have a much harder time getting over the ex-affair partner. It took me several times to break up with my OM, because things would get too painful in the grieving and I would go back to him. When I finally put my foot down- and went true NC- and allowed myself to grieve and feel the pain and loss, I was able to let go. There were days I had to white knuckle it, but I made it. Yes, I still think about Om from time to time, but it is with much less angst. And I don't feel the same desire or need to be in a relationship with him. I also like how the psychologist- explained the behavior of the person who calls off the relationship. What they are going through. As I was the one to end my relationship with my OM, I can say all of that is true. The volatility, uncertainty, complexity and ambiguity. I suppose my OM felt "the pause"- and several times I swung back and started the relationship. Now we are just distant memories for each other- both moving our lives in different directions. The going back and forth was not good. It is better to be one way or the other. Together or Finished. Vacillating in between is stressful and painful. Thanks again for sharing- I'm sure this will help so many others.

I think its great. I miss my therapist. She left the practice the end of July and I "hit the bottle" again in August.....and bad.....but now...I am able to focus just with time passing and being here.
I went to her weekly, then every 2 weeks for 4-5 months and it really regenerated me and helped me focus so much when I was done.

Hope it helped whoever read it. I'll put up Tuesday's session once i have it.

Had my second session today. It was a mind bender, very exhausting and emotionally draining and I'm not quite ready to write it up yet. But I will. It will help some of you I know.

Stuck

Thanks for sharing-hope you continue to do so!

I lived in denial for a very long time. It's a slow process making it back from the depths of hell.

Thank you Stuckfast....I think what you have shared has been very insightful so far.

Hi guys. The last couple of days have been tough. I still aim on writing up the session for you. It was a hard one. And OW has been messaging me often which I am confused and a little angry about. I actually feel anxious when she messages me now. Also I've been crying a bit which is rare for me; I never cry.

Anyway the session covered
-self sacrifice
-symbiotic co dependence
-who has the power in this picture (apparently OWs husband hold the most power out of all of us. When asked the therapist why, his response floored me "because he cares the least".

Anyway I will write up up. I'm still digesting it all. It's just been so damn hard hear last few days and I've been so damn sad.