Hi -
Im new here. Found your site and am very upset with myself. I've been reading posts and feel i could get the support i need here since i have no where else to turn to.

I am married for almost 17 yrs and we've been together for 22 years. We have 2 children 8 and 19 months.

I am a WS. I am devastated and angry at myself for my decisions. I was raised catholic and this goes against everything I was raised to believe in. We also had the perfect marriage.

He was a mamma's boy and I doted on him all the time. we were married 9 yrs before our first child. i cut back my hrs to part time and was still able to do everything for our child and the house and work p/t for 4 yrs. before going back to f/t. my husband made some poor decisions with jobs and i wasn't able to go back to work p/t after our second child. I work f/t from home, take care of the house, our eldest daughter has multiple food allergies and I have to cook every meal, I do homework, baths, cook, dr appts, He leaves the house at 7, goes to work, comes home at 7. I met the OM 11 yrs ago on the train to work - we were only friends, then lost touch when I started working from home and no longer traveled to an office. I was never attracted to him then. My M was great. I actually thought FOM was a player. He talked a good game.

Anyway, We met up again when FOM moved into my town 2 yrs ago and our children attend the same school. He started talking to me and suggested we text. Then meet up for coffee. he always had a "troubled" marriage, even 11 yrs ago I can recall him complaining about his wife and bad-mouthing her. he's had a very troubled childhood, divorced parents, mom on drugs, kicked him out of the house at 16, he turned to drugs and a sad lifestyle to make ends meat. He then met his wife, they had a child while dating, then got married.

He pursued me and told me all of the right things, how hard I work, how I handle everything on my own. That my husband doesnt; deserve me. I can do better. Then we started seeing each other. After a few months he told me he loved me. We carried on the A for 2 yrs.

i ended it this past June and for 2 months he kept contacting me, saying how much he missed me and cared for me. Being spart was killing him. Etc. i ignored his attempts to get back with me for 2 months. But his last txt really pulled at my heart strings in August and i finally replied back. And we started seeing each other again.

In the meantime, my marriage was still sliding down a very bad slope. My husband is controlling and doesn't want me to go out with friends. Doesn't like when he has to stay and "watch the kids" alone. I never understood that because he is their father. Just because his father wasn't a hands on dad, doesn't mean I want that. He is very old school. We were fighting all the time and the tension in the house was so much to bear that I asked for a separation this summer so the children don't have to be living with this tension while we work things out. He was very upset with that and disagreed with that decision.

We went for therapy in the beg of 2012 under my suggestion. He didn't want to go but finally agreed, very reluctantly. we went for a few sessions and then he stopped. Now after the summer and his controlling behavior has gotten me so sad and upset, i;ve become physically ill. I urged for therapy again because I won;t live another 20 yrs like this.

He agreed and we started therapy again in Sept. FOM and I had a fight because i caught him in a lie 9/7 and he ended it with me on 9/10 via text. He got very defensive and turned it on me. Real nice after telling me for the last 2 months how much he loves me and wants to D his wife and marry me because I make him feel whole and loved.

Anyway, I was a mess. I don't want my marriage to end. and we continue to go for MC. I feel ABSOLUTE remorse for what I have done. There is NO excuse for me straying. What kills me though is, i do believe I fell in love with the OM - or who I thought he was from what he would tell me. the last 2 yrs were depressing and exhausting. The lies, double life.

Anyhow oct 1st I txted a NC to FOM. Because he continued to txt me for a month even after he ended it in sept. then he STILL continued to txt me for 3 months telling me he filed for D for me! I continued to ignore and delete. Until New Year's Eve. I broke down and replied to him.

We txted back and forth and he professed his undying love for me yet again. And wanted to still see me and said when we are together thats our time. UGH.

Hes been txting me all week and i have been ignoring. Until today.

I txted again a firm NC because i feel like a light went off inside of me. I thought about all the lies and crap and lines he's fed me over the last 2 yrs and how even when i felt it was a red flag i dismissed it.

Im sure i will have triggers moving forward but i realize my M is worth saving. And it CAN be saved. Because i will focus and nourish it. I will no longer nourish my "relationship" with FOM. He is not worth my time.

Sorry this is do long. It's been a hard day. :)

Notmyself