Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi -
Im new here. Found your site and am very upset with myself. I've been reading posts and feel i could get the support i need here since i have no where else to turn to.
I am married for almost 17 yrs and we've been together for 22 years. We have 2 children 8 and 19 months.
I am a WS. I am devastated and angry at myself for my decisions. I was raised catholic and this goes against everything I was raised to believe in. We also had the perfect marriage.
He was a mamma's boy and I doted on him all the time. we were married 9 yrs before our first child. i cut back my hrs to part time and was still able to do everything for our child and the house and work p/t for 4 yrs. before going back to f/t. my husband made some poor decisions with jobs and i wasn't able to go back to work p/t after our second child. I work f/t from home, take care of the house, our eldest daughter has multiple food allergies and I have to cook every meal, I do homework, baths, cook, dr appts, He leaves the house at 7, goes to work, comes home at 7. I met the OM 11 yrs ago on the train to work - we were only friends, then lost touch when I started working from home and no longer traveled to an office. I was never attracted to him then. My M was great. I actually thought FOM was a player. He talked a good game.
Anyway, We met up again when FOM moved into my town 2 yrs ago and our children attend the same school. He started talking to me and suggested we text. Then meet up for coffee. he always had a "troubled" marriage, even 11 yrs ago I can recall him complaining about his wife and bad-mouthing her. he's had a very troubled childhood, divorced parents, mom on drugs, kicked him out of the house at 16, he turned to drugs and a sad lifestyle to make ends meat. He then met his wife, they had a child while dating, then got married.
He pursued me and told me all of the right things, how hard I work, how I handle everything on my own. That my husband doesnt; deserve me. I can do better. Then we started seeing each other. After a few months he told me he loved me. We carried on the A for 2 yrs.
i ended it this past June and for 2 months he kept contacting me, saying how much he missed me and cared for me. Being spart was killing him. Etc. i ignored his attempts to get back with me for 2 months. But his last txt really pulled at my heart strings in August and i finally replied back. And we started seeing each other again.
In the meantime, my marriage was still sliding down a very bad slope. My husband is controlling and doesn't want me to go out with friends. Doesn't like when he has to stay and "watch the kids" alone. I never understood that because he is their father. Just because his father wasn't a hands on dad, doesn't mean I want that. He is very old school. We were fighting all the time and the tension in the house was so much to bear that I asked for a separation this summer so the children don't have to be living with this tension while we work things out. He was very upset with that and disagreed with that decision.
We went for therapy in the beg of 2012 under my suggestion. He didn't want to go but finally agreed, very reluctantly. we went for a few sessions and then he stopped. Now after the summer and his controlling behavior has gotten me so sad and upset, i;ve become physically ill. I urged for therapy again because I won;t live another 20 yrs like this.
He agreed and we started therapy again in Sept. FOM and I had a fight because i caught him in a lie 9/7 and he ended it with me on 9/10 via text. He got very defensive and turned it on me. Real nice after telling me for the last 2 months how much he loves me and wants to D his wife and marry me because I make him feel whole and loved.
Anyway, I was a mess. I don't want my marriage to end. and we continue to go for MC. I feel ABSOLUTE remorse for what I have done. There is NO excuse for me straying. What kills me though is, i do believe I fell in love with the OM - or who I thought he was from what he would tell me. the last 2 yrs were depressing and exhausting. The lies, double life.
Anyhow oct 1st I txted a NC to FOM. Because he continued to txt me for a month even after he ended it in sept. then he STILL continued to txt me for 3 months telling me he filed for D for me! I continued to ignore and delete. Until New Year's Eve. I broke down and replied to him.
We txted back and forth and he professed his undying love for me yet again. And wanted to still see me and said when we are together thats our time. UGH.
Hes been txting me all week and i have been ignoring. Until today.
I txted again a firm NC because i feel like a light went off inside of me. I thought about all the lies and crap and lines he's fed me over the last 2 yrs and how even when i felt it was a red flag i dismissed it.
Im sure i will have triggers moving forward but i realize my M is worth saving. And it CAN be saved. Because i will focus and nourish it. I will no longer nourish my "relationship" with FOM. He is not worth my time.
Sorry this is do long. It's been a hard day. :)
Notmyself
Im new here. Found your site and am very upset with myself. I've been reading posts and feel i could get the support i need here since i have no where else to turn to.
I am married for almost 17 yrs and we've been together for 22 years. We have 2 children 8 and 19 months.
I am a WS. I am devastated and angry at myself for my decisions. I was raised catholic and this goes against everything I was raised to believe in. We also had the perfect marriage.
He was a mamma's boy and I doted on him all the time. we were married 9 yrs before our first child. i cut back my hrs to part time and was still able to do everything for our child and the house and work p/t for 4 yrs. before going back to f/t. my husband made some poor decisions with jobs and i wasn't able to go back to work p/t after our second child. I work f/t from home, take care of the house, our eldest daughter has multiple food allergies and I have to cook every meal, I do homework, baths, cook, dr appts, He leaves the house at 7, goes to work, comes home at 7. I met the OM 11 yrs ago on the train to work - we were only friends, then lost touch when I started working from home and no longer traveled to an office. I was never attracted to him then. My M was great. I actually thought FOM was a player. He talked a good game.
Anyway, We met up again when FOM moved into my town 2 yrs ago and our children attend the same school. He started talking to me and suggested we text. Then meet up for coffee. he always had a "troubled" marriage, even 11 yrs ago I can recall him complaining about his wife and bad-mouthing her. he's had a very troubled childhood, divorced parents, mom on drugs, kicked him out of the house at 16, he turned to drugs and a sad lifestyle to make ends meat. He then met his wife, they had a child while dating, then got married.
He pursued me and told me all of the right things, how hard I work, how I handle everything on my own. That my husband doesnt; deserve me. I can do better. Then we started seeing each other. After a few months he told me he loved me. We carried on the A for 2 yrs.
i ended it this past June and for 2 months he kept contacting me, saying how much he missed me and cared for me. Being spart was killing him. Etc. i ignored his attempts to get back with me for 2 months. But his last txt really pulled at my heart strings in August and i finally replied back. And we started seeing each other again.
In the meantime, my marriage was still sliding down a very bad slope. My husband is controlling and doesn't want me to go out with friends. Doesn't like when he has to stay and "watch the kids" alone. I never understood that because he is their father. Just because his father wasn't a hands on dad, doesn't mean I want that. He is very old school. We were fighting all the time and the tension in the house was so much to bear that I asked for a separation this summer so the children don't have to be living with this tension while we work things out. He was very upset with that and disagreed with that decision.
We went for therapy in the beg of 2012 under my suggestion. He didn't want to go but finally agreed, very reluctantly. we went for a few sessions and then he stopped. Now after the summer and his controlling behavior has gotten me so sad and upset, i;ve become physically ill. I urged for therapy again because I won;t live another 20 yrs like this.
He agreed and we started therapy again in Sept. FOM and I had a fight because i caught him in a lie 9/7 and he ended it with me on 9/10 via text. He got very defensive and turned it on me. Real nice after telling me for the last 2 months how much he loves me and wants to D his wife and marry me because I make him feel whole and loved.
Anyway, I was a mess. I don't want my marriage to end. and we continue to go for MC. I feel ABSOLUTE remorse for what I have done. There is NO excuse for me straying. What kills me though is, i do believe I fell in love with the OM - or who I thought he was from what he would tell me. the last 2 yrs were depressing and exhausting. The lies, double life.
Anyhow oct 1st I txted a NC to FOM. Because he continued to txt me for a month even after he ended it in sept. then he STILL continued to txt me for 3 months telling me he filed for D for me! I continued to ignore and delete. Until New Year's Eve. I broke down and replied to him.
We txted back and forth and he professed his undying love for me yet again. And wanted to still see me and said when we are together thats our time. UGH.
Hes been txting me all week and i have been ignoring. Until today.
I txted again a firm NC because i feel like a light went off inside of me. I thought about all the lies and crap and lines he's fed me over the last 2 yrs and how even when i felt it was a red flag i dismissed it.
Im sure i will have triggers moving forward but i realize my M is worth saving. And it CAN be saved. Because i will focus and nourish it. I will no longer nourish my "relationship" with FOM. He is not worth my time.
Sorry this is do long. It's been a hard day. :)
Notmyself
Hi. Thanks :)
it was always so difficult to go NC especially when FOM keeps breaking it.
Having a tough time sleeping tonight, my mind keeps replaying things. Are you still seeing your OM or has it ended?
... i am also new here, but i wanted to pop in and say that your not alone .. i am in the same boat with my OM, and i have been in a NC for the past 3 days.. its a start!!
anyways, my h doesnt know of my A and ill take it to the grave if i have to... cant see hurting him after all ive done to him..
i also feel like crap for ever getting weak, and going back to an ex bfriend.. sucks to look in the mirror..
if you ever need some help with Nc maybe we could join forces and support one another..
welcome again..
heard
Thanks :)
NC is so hard especially when FOM keeps breaking it.
When you feel the urge to txt him, let me know!
It helps to have people in your corner!!
I am so glad i found a place for support. Knowing there are others out there who are going through what im going through is helpful. Makes me feel like im not alone. :)
My ex om also wasn't listening when I said I didn't want this anymore, and that I wanted to work on keeping my marriage ..I finally got to the point where I got so angry that I started being mean and calling him a liar and coward. I wanted him to hate me so he would quit contacting me, and at first it wasn't working so I got more pissed and he finally stopped...then I felt quilt for being so mean that I texted him an apology 3 days ago...of course he texted back saying that he could never hate me..but all I accomplished was making myself feel worse, so I decided I had to stop, but this morning is not going so well.. ugh, this is a emotional rollercoaster for sure...
Have a great day, and hang in there, you seem like your very strong and will get threw this.
Heard
First few days of NC is very hard. I know. You have to resist the urge. Think of the negative things OM has done. In the end you'll end up being at yourself that you did.
The more you engage in contact with OM, the greater the chance of the A being exposed. There is a trail of txts. Stay strong and focus on work.
Remember how much you want to work on your M. You sent the NC, stick to it! You can do it!!
I appreciate your input. I am very tossed about telling. When i suggested to my H that we separate back in August he was shocked. Altho at the time we were arguing so much. Daily. We couldn't talk without it turning into an argument.
We had issues with the household and sharing responsibilities and we both felt unappreciated. We went back to MC and worked through those issues a great deal.
Looking back to that time, from at the point im at now, i can not believe i asked for a separation. My thoughts were most definitely clouded by the A which had started up again beginning of August, after i broke it off in June.
FOM was SO persistent. Kept telling me how much i meant to him, couldn't live without me, blah blah. He poured it on SO thick talking about moving and starting new somewhere. Etc
I fell for his words. Because i would say the same to him bc i felt that way. And FOM made me feel like we were meant to find each other, fate, destiny blah blah
Looking back now and realizing that it was all bullsh*t i am disgusted with myself. I feel like i need to work through this. How can I expect my H to understand and work through it if i cant even wrap my head around it.
I would love to be free of this burden since my H and i have weathered many storms and always worked through things together But this is different. It's huge. Scary. Destructive behavior. So very much out of my character. Im tossed.
Who is Gabbi and Cole? How do I find them here?
Quorazon - hi yes there were issues that my H and i seriously needed to address. With the help of MC and walking away from FOM, i am gaining clarity and we are working through things. Thanks for the welcome!