Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi -
Im new here. Found your site and am very upset with myself. I've been reading posts and feel i could get the support i need here since i have no where else to turn to.
I am married for almost 17 yrs and we've been together for 22 years. We have 2 children 8 and 19 months.
I am a WS. I am devastated and angry at myself for my decisions. I was raised catholic and this goes against everything I was raised to believe in. We also had the perfect marriage.
He was a mamma's boy and I doted on him all the time. we were married 9 yrs before our first child. i cut back my hrs to part time and was still able to do everything for our child and the house and work p/t for 4 yrs. before going back to f/t. my husband made some poor decisions with jobs and i wasn't able to go back to work p/t after our second child. I work f/t from home, take care of the house, our eldest daughter has multiple food allergies and I have to cook every meal, I do homework, baths, cook, dr appts, He leaves the house at 7, goes to work, comes home at 7. I met the OM 11 yrs ago on the train to work - we were only friends, then lost touch when I started working from home and no longer traveled to an office. I was never attracted to him then. My M was great. I actually thought FOM was a player. He talked a good game.
Anyway, We met up again when FOM moved into my town 2 yrs ago and our children attend the same school. He started talking to me and suggested we text. Then meet up for coffee. he always had a "troubled" marriage, even 11 yrs ago I can recall him complaining about his wife and bad-mouthing her. he's had a very troubled childhood, divorced parents, mom on drugs, kicked him out of the house at 16, he turned to drugs and a sad lifestyle to make ends meat. He then met his wife, they had a child while dating, then got married.
He pursued me and told me all of the right things, how hard I work, how I handle everything on my own. That my husband doesnt; deserve me. I can do better. Then we started seeing each other. After a few months he told me he loved me. We carried on the A for 2 yrs.
i ended it this past June and for 2 months he kept contacting me, saying how much he missed me and cared for me. Being spart was killing him. Etc. i ignored his attempts to get back with me for 2 months. But his last txt really pulled at my heart strings in August and i finally replied back. And we started seeing each other again.
In the meantime, my marriage was still sliding down a very bad slope. My husband is controlling and doesn't want me to go out with friends. Doesn't like when he has to stay and "watch the kids" alone. I never understood that because he is their father. Just because his father wasn't a hands on dad, doesn't mean I want that. He is very old school. We were fighting all the time and the tension in the house was so much to bear that I asked for a separation this summer so the children don't have to be living with this tension while we work things out. He was very upset with that and disagreed with that decision.
We went for therapy in the beg of 2012 under my suggestion. He didn't want to go but finally agreed, very reluctantly. we went for a few sessions and then he stopped. Now after the summer and his controlling behavior has gotten me so sad and upset, i;ve become physically ill. I urged for therapy again because I won;t live another 20 yrs like this.
He agreed and we started therapy again in Sept. FOM and I had a fight because i caught him in a lie 9/7 and he ended it with me on 9/10 via text. He got very defensive and turned it on me. Real nice after telling me for the last 2 months how much he loves me and wants to D his wife and marry me because I make him feel whole and loved.
Anyway, I was a mess. I don't want my marriage to end. and we continue to go for MC. I feel ABSOLUTE remorse for what I have done. There is NO excuse for me straying. What kills me though is, i do believe I fell in love with the OM - or who I thought he was from what he would tell me. the last 2 yrs were depressing and exhausting. The lies, double life.
Anyhow oct 1st I txted a NC to FOM. Because he continued to txt me for a month even after he ended it in sept. then he STILL continued to txt me for 3 months telling me he filed for D for me! I continued to ignore and delete. Until New Year's Eve. I broke down and replied to him.
We txted back and forth and he professed his undying love for me yet again. And wanted to still see me and said when we are together thats our time. UGH.
Hes been txting me all week and i have been ignoring. Until today.
I txted again a firm NC because i feel like a light went off inside of me. I thought about all the lies and crap and lines he's fed me over the last 2 yrs and how even when i felt it was a red flag i dismissed it.
Im sure i will have triggers moving forward but i realize my M is worth saving. And it CAN be saved. Because i will focus and nourish it. I will no longer nourish my "relationship" with FOM. He is not worth my time.
Sorry this is do long. It's been a hard day. :)
Notmyself
Im new here. Found your site and am very upset with myself. I've been reading posts and feel i could get the support i need here since i have no where else to turn to.
I am married for almost 17 yrs and we've been together for 22 years. We have 2 children 8 and 19 months.
I am a WS. I am devastated and angry at myself for my decisions. I was raised catholic and this goes against everything I was raised to believe in. We also had the perfect marriage.
He was a mamma's boy and I doted on him all the time. we were married 9 yrs before our first child. i cut back my hrs to part time and was still able to do everything for our child and the house and work p/t for 4 yrs. before going back to f/t. my husband made some poor decisions with jobs and i wasn't able to go back to work p/t after our second child. I work f/t from home, take care of the house, our eldest daughter has multiple food allergies and I have to cook every meal, I do homework, baths, cook, dr appts, He leaves the house at 7, goes to work, comes home at 7. I met the OM 11 yrs ago on the train to work - we were only friends, then lost touch when I started working from home and no longer traveled to an office. I was never attracted to him then. My M was great. I actually thought FOM was a player. He talked a good game.
Anyway, We met up again when FOM moved into my town 2 yrs ago and our children attend the same school. He started talking to me and suggested we text. Then meet up for coffee. he always had a "troubled" marriage, even 11 yrs ago I can recall him complaining about his wife and bad-mouthing her. he's had a very troubled childhood, divorced parents, mom on drugs, kicked him out of the house at 16, he turned to drugs and a sad lifestyle to make ends meat. He then met his wife, they had a child while dating, then got married.
He pursued me and told me all of the right things, how hard I work, how I handle everything on my own. That my husband doesnt; deserve me. I can do better. Then we started seeing each other. After a few months he told me he loved me. We carried on the A for 2 yrs.
i ended it this past June and for 2 months he kept contacting me, saying how much he missed me and cared for me. Being spart was killing him. Etc. i ignored his attempts to get back with me for 2 months. But his last txt really pulled at my heart strings in August and i finally replied back. And we started seeing each other again.
In the meantime, my marriage was still sliding down a very bad slope. My husband is controlling and doesn't want me to go out with friends. Doesn't like when he has to stay and "watch the kids" alone. I never understood that because he is their father. Just because his father wasn't a hands on dad, doesn't mean I want that. He is very old school. We were fighting all the time and the tension in the house was so much to bear that I asked for a separation this summer so the children don't have to be living with this tension while we work things out. He was very upset with that and disagreed with that decision.
We went for therapy in the beg of 2012 under my suggestion. He didn't want to go but finally agreed, very reluctantly. we went for a few sessions and then he stopped. Now after the summer and his controlling behavior has gotten me so sad and upset, i;ve become physically ill. I urged for therapy again because I won;t live another 20 yrs like this.
He agreed and we started therapy again in Sept. FOM and I had a fight because i caught him in a lie 9/7 and he ended it with me on 9/10 via text. He got very defensive and turned it on me. Real nice after telling me for the last 2 months how much he loves me and wants to D his wife and marry me because I make him feel whole and loved.
Anyway, I was a mess. I don't want my marriage to end. and we continue to go for MC. I feel ABSOLUTE remorse for what I have done. There is NO excuse for me straying. What kills me though is, i do believe I fell in love with the OM - or who I thought he was from what he would tell me. the last 2 yrs were depressing and exhausting. The lies, double life.
Anyhow oct 1st I txted a NC to FOM. Because he continued to txt me for a month even after he ended it in sept. then he STILL continued to txt me for 3 months telling me he filed for D for me! I continued to ignore and delete. Until New Year's Eve. I broke down and replied to him.
We txted back and forth and he professed his undying love for me yet again. And wanted to still see me and said when we are together thats our time. UGH.
Hes been txting me all week and i have been ignoring. Until today.
I txted again a firm NC because i feel like a light went off inside of me. I thought about all the lies and crap and lines he's fed me over the last 2 yrs and how even when i felt it was a red flag i dismissed it.
Im sure i will have triggers moving forward but i realize my M is worth saving. And it CAN be saved. Because i will focus and nourish it. I will no longer nourish my "relationship" with FOM. He is not worth my time.
Sorry this is do long. It's been a hard day. :)
Notmyself
I am glad you are here. You will be welcomed and you will get good advise and lot's of support.
I hope the way i feel right now about FOM stays with me and i remain strong if he tries to contact me again.
I appreciate any support i receive here and hope to help others who want to end an A.
There are also people that state that you will eventually get found out. I believe that is largely dependent on each unique situation (such as whether their are shared social contacts, if people work together, if there are overlaps about where they go with their spouse as opposed to their OP, geography, and whether both or just one of the parties is married).
I have also read articles that state that most affairs remain secret from the spouse.
I can't tell you how differently it feels at home with the affair contact having ended almost a year ago!
Welcome!!! First and foremost, you are welcome here. You are surrounded by people who struggle daily, some have disclosed A's, some haven't. Some have H's, some have W's. Some have kids, some don't. But we are all struggling with the same concepts (NC, separating emotionally/mentally from our spouses, etc.) And none of us have all the answers yet :)
I hope this is only your first post, and that you will continue to share and participate. Read what others post, chip in if you feel comfortable. No matter what, you are not judged. You being on here is a step in the best direction, healing! :)
p.s. I am still a newbie on here, this is only my first month. But the people I have met...it feels like we have all been in a war together. Its a good feeling.
Im so sorry you were betrayed. I do appreciate your input and i agree with you totally. My H did suspect. FOM and i would txt everyday. I feel horrible that i did this to him and our M. I have done much soul searching these last few months and realize why i did what i did. And I allowed myself to get involved in an A.
It is the biggest mistake i have made in my life. My biggest regret. I dont expect any pats on the back but i am glad i ended it. Of course if it comes out i will fess up. I hope to God it doesn't though.
I feel horrible for his wife. At first i believed all the things he told me about her and i felt badly for him. That he was in such a horrible M. But now, i feel for her. I hated that i was with her H. I dont believe im his only other "love" and that makes me feel sick for his wife too :(
Thank you for the welcome and support. I was on another site but was not ready for all of the 2x4's that were thrown at me. I was still very deeply in the fog and was looked down upon because i didnt tell my H of the A. I found this site and have been reading threads for a few weeks now.
I still have much to learn and know i will benefit from people here. I suffer from many triggers - and find FOM in my thoughts everyday. It's just that today, his latest text just hit me as another red flag. It was a little easier to a knowledge because we haven't seen each other since sept - although hes been relentlessly contacting me since even after i sent the NC txt
I will definitely stick around. I've taken a lot of advice I've read on here and its helped me through some very tough days.
My husband had an affair that did not stop after he confessed. Then I had an affair that lasted 9 years. It ended when the OM's wife found out. He also had at least one other woman at the same time. Ouch. It ended in September.
I also never told my husband. I met with the Om's wife after she found out and she was nothing like I imagined. I feel very sorry for her and sorry for my part in his betraying her. She didn't deserve it. I don't know why, but she has stayed with him, as far as I know. I have had no contact since the end of October. I still think about all of it every day, but it gets a little better as time goes by.
I hope we can help you get through this.
Hi I read some of your journal posts. I felt like i was reading my own story. It's a horrible feeling to go against the morals i was raised with. And then only to find that what FOM said to me were most probably lies. It kills me. I too thought i was special. That my A was different. We were meant to be. Meant to find each other. I told him since neither of us have ever cheated before (because he told me he never did either) i said that must mean something.
This was the first time i ever broke my vows. FOM would always question, why him? I told him we speak every day and as I've gotten to know you i really like you and then i fell in in love.
Or so i thought. I dont even know anymore.
I guess i fell in love with the person i thought he was. He was always very down on himself. He said i was such an amazing person and he admired me for always staying so true to my H - of course except for when our A started. He couldn't believe i was such a "goody two shoes". Would call me June cleaver. Said i was the best thing that ever happened to him.
I believed all of that. But now, having these images of just being another one
of his conquests. Someone he really got over. It damn near destroys me inside. I hate feeling this way.
Im not trying to just say im a victim. Bc if my H found out, he is truly the victim. What im trying to say is i fell for his words. I would never say i love someone if i really didnt. I wouldn't toy with someone's emotions just to get what I want. Who does that?!?! What kind if person can do that??
I was pouring all of my heart and energy to FOM and my M was getting worse and worse. It got to the point where i actually saw an atty! This was back in sept after i took back FOM in August when he said he wants me in his life. He was miserable without me when i broke it off back in june. He would say we'll make it work and figure things out. We'll move and start fresh.
Ugh as i go over this stuff it makes me so sad and confused. So much drama and so draining. :(
I have very similar stories with my M. I was the main bread winner for the last few years. My H would hop around from jobs and always be starting at the bottom. I know that bothered him. He was raised old school - to be the bread winner and provider.
Although i never once gave him a hard time about things. I was always extremely supportive and even took side jobs to help with expenses - in addition to my f/t job and the kids, house, etc.
I never complained. However, he sunk into a depression and i had to be strong for him and the kids and keep the family in tact. That was draining too.
I felt like i lost my partner and had a grown child i had to take care of. Im all for better or worse but over the course of our M there have been a few major "worse" times brought on by my H and i was always by his side offering unconditional support.
We had issues, like many M. But I suppose i showed those issues to FOM whom i thought was just being a caring friend. Instead he played on my weaknesses and used them as an "in".
My guard is totally up. I no longer wear those colored glasses and font trust people like i did before. I feel like everyone has an late ripe motive. I felt like i lost an innocence. That bothers me so much.
He actually used to say, "I know it will be hard for you to trust me when we are together, but I'll just have to make you trust me." I just can't understand why he continued the relationship instead of just ending it.
Being away from my H lies was so freeing. I assumed that he would take his lies to the grave, but he didn't. After I left him, he realized that the only thing left for him to do was to tell me everything. His A was sorted because it lasted 3 years and resulted in a child.
The road from dday has been very difficult. An emotional roller coaster. But my H does not regret telling me everything. He said the freedom he felt letting it all out was like being able to breath again. For me I felt freed too. Knowing the truth, no matter how terrible it was, meant I could work with it. I could try to heal from the truth and I have. We have rebuilt our marriage and found our way back to eachother better than ever.
I do feel that from your story, your H is very suspicious which would explain his behavior. I know you may be scared to tell him everything but telling him will be a much better option over him finding out another way. The best relationships are built on the truth.
Thebadwife is right - I'm new too but I feel like I've been in the trenches with everyone on this board! Please continue to share as much as you feel comfortable. It really does make such a difference to feel understood.
I've never told my H about the A and I never plan to. Everyone's situation is different. I swear that as I write in my journal and interact with everyone, things have become so much more clear. Joining this group is one of the best decisions I've made in a long time! Great to have another voice :)
It's so disheartening to hear your story :(
Although it helps to know im not alone, it kills me to see how easy it is for people to lie and play with someone's feelings so easily. Like its nothing. I often cant fathom it either.
I hated lying. My H and i were always honest and had that innocent, unconditional trust. I hate that i destroyed that. Especially for someone who is definitely not worth a shit.
I used to justify and say to myself, it's not a ONS, we fell in love. That has to mean something. But I look back now and see how twisted and irrational my thinking was. I dont even recognize the person i became during the A.
@ pinkpony-
I appreciate you sharing and im sorry for what you went through. I agree that my H does suspect. I am so tossed on telling though.
When i broke it off for 2 months over the summer, i started focusing more on my M. I tried so hard to do the right even though FOM kept txting me. He was so persistent. Knew just what to say that would get me to come around and i did finally reply back and it started up again. Then i broke it off again and sent the first NC in Oct. i started to do things that one would do, if they had a Dday. I left my phone lying around. Gave my email PW to my H. I was being very transparent. I started researching and digging deep to see where i went wrong and why and made a promise to myself not to ever do this again.
My H behavior has started to change back. The MC has helped us to work on the preA issues we were having as well as the issues we had during the A. My H and i both feel we are connecting again and i am txting him during the day now and nurturing our M and family and trust that i will stay on this road.
I understand your H feelings of relief and feeling like he can breath again. It's true. When you truly regret what you've done and how hurtful we were, it does eat at you inside. Im glad you guys are working through it. I am terrified to tell my H. I would hate for him to feel that i ruined our M and lost that innocence. I hate feeling that way and would hate for him to feel that way.