I think that you need to avoid him at work like the plaque. My wife was in the same situation and we had a very good marriage at the time. My wife's affair began the exact same way. You really do need to have no contact or the slope will just get very slippery and you will find yourself lost in the (fog) as most CS would discribe it.
Your H may need to wake up and realize some of the things he is not doing or could do better in the marriage and you should let him know. Try MC or being completely open with him about how you feel abused and your feelings for this OM. That could be enough wake up call for him to try and change some things. There may be things in the marriage that you both need to change to reengage with each other.
Affair's are full of pain, guilt, shame, and destruction.
Wishing you the best.

Welcome to the group. I am also very sorry that your husband is treating you this way. You should also think about if it does not work out in your marriage having an affair will defiantly not end the way you have it in your thoughts. If anything instead of him being your knight and shinning armor an Affair will work out very badly if your marriage does end up in court.
You could loose, your kids. You really do not want that.
I came very very close to taking my son and leaving my wife. I was moving to another state back home. I could of legally done that and left her in our current state with out an AP he moved to another country, without a husband, and without a son in the same state that she recides in.
I am very very glad it did not work out that way and that God found a way to get me to stay.
That I found the strength to try one last time and fight for my marriage one more time.
I know a lot of you are wondering how I could of got away with taking my son. Sorry but I really can not get that far in to details about that there is just to much on the line in my wife's job for me to say. At the time I did not even know that I could.
Hope your husband can come around and make changes and hope you can find the strenght to make the best decision for you and your children.

Goodgirl!

STOP!

Please heed the advice of the others regarding counciling or see your clergy-if you have one. If your h won't go-go with out him. Hopefully, it will give you the strength and clarity to make the changes necessary for you and your children.

Children learn from living. And living with someone who reduces their children's mother to a puddle needs some serious help. I think mental and verbal abuse is worse than the physical form of abuse. The wounds never heal. Don't let your children believe this is a normal way of life. If they see you tolerate this behavior chances are they'll grow up thinking this is an acceptable behavior-and normal.

Trust me when I say-there is no winners in affairs. They are hurtful and destructive to all parties-regardless of which side of the affair one is on. I just happen to be on both sides. I've been the BS first than the CS-however my h never found out about my affair. And I'm truly thankful for that - because being the BS-dam near killed me. I don't think one ever recovers from such betrayal.

Either try and fix your marriage-if your h isn't a willing participant in the changes that need to be made-you have your answer. Leave it. You deserve better and so do your children. Don't wake up 5, 10, 15years down the in the same crappy marriage. Life is too short. But by all means, take the affair off of the table.

Sending you support and prayers!
dody

Good.....look at this guy....really look at him. Not the crap he tells you at lunch or at work outside earshot of others. He's probably not the dreamguy you're thinking he is. You're putting him on a pedestal cause your M is not what you want it to be. Open your eyes to the real truth.

Jason- Thank you for your perspective, especially sharing how your W's A began in a way similar to the path I am going down. I have been doing a lot of reading on As and have learned that even happy Ms are susceptible to As. My situation is that I am unhappy in my M and am looking for rescue or exit, apparently.

I appreciate the sympathy in how he treats me. I definitely do not deserve it. Don't get me wrong, there are good times, but there are also very, very bad times too. I grasp at those good times during the bad. I have been a good wife, but everyone has their breaking point.

I feel blown off when I tell him how I feel. He knows. He actually apologizes every time he flies off the handle. He knows how he hurts me so deeply and I think he feels powerful and in control when he does it. I have tried to diffuse him during his rages, reminding him that he will be sorry later, but he has said that he apologizes but never means it, its just a way to calm me down. He just doesn't know how close I am to the edge in pursuing this OM. I don't think I could ever bring myself to tell him about OM either. No, no way. I am held very accountable for my whereabouts, all the time. I am made to feel guilty if I want to go out with my friends. I very rarely even ask to go out. Yup, I ask. I have zero independence. If I tell him about OM, I can forget ever seeing friends again or leaving the house except to go to work. MC may be a good idea, if I can get him there and he takes it seriously. I think I may try IC first and take it from there.

I don't think I really have much to worry about when it comes to my kids. My H has little to no patience and I don't think he would be able to handle being a single parent for any longer than a day a week and every other weekend. He doesn't like to be left alone with them now. Its a struggle to get out the door to even grocery shop by myself. Plus he has said a couple of times, oddly enough, that he knows if things don't work out between us, he knows I would never stop him from seeing our kids. Kind of a strange topic of discussion.

Also, I just wanted to mention that your W if lucky to have you. Your willingness to work on your M is nothing short of commendable.

Thank you Dody. I'm trying to stop, really I am. Everything I have read so far does not paint a pretty picture of an A. They don't end in long term relationships, which is what I would be looking for. If things do not improve after MC, if I can get my H there, then I may be better off leaving.

I deserve to be happy, and not just sometimes when I do everything perfectly in my H's eyes. I'm so tired of walking on eggshells, hoping not to give him any reason to fly off the handle. You would be surprised at how the smallest thing escalates into a war. I have pleaded with him not to yell at me in front of our kids. A few months ago, before I met OM, he went off when my older child was in the room and I just held my little one and cried whispering how sorry I was over and over while my H ranted. The poor kid was so traumatized. My H wanted to know at the time if this was over and should he leave. But I was weak and emotional and didn't know how I would be able to do this on my own. I begged him to stay. I probably should have told him to go. I do not want my kids to grow up thinking my H's behavior is acceptable in a relationship.

There have been no recent huge blowouts, but the damage appears to have already been done since I met OM. Considering it was just a little tiny crush to distract me during my long work days and it has now evolved into stronger feelings and fantasies of another life. There have certainly been quite a few nasty remarks made to intentionally hurt my feelings. I'm just sitting here waiting for the next blowout.

Since I put my inital post out there, I have really done some soul searching which I think will help me get to where I need to be. It seems that I am uncovering some pretty serious thoughts and feelings I had buried. That's a good thing I think!

Clover--you are right I am sure. I have definitely put him on a pedestal, but I have put him on a realistic pedestal knowing that everyone has faults. Once during lunch I asked him a personal question and was a little surprised by his answer. His answer was so completely honest and did not put him in the best light. I respect him for that. He did not have to admit to something so private. He could have very easily lied. In our conversations he has also mentioned some things regarding family that lead me to believe he is a kind and generous man.

Now, I have read out there that a tactic to get someone off your mind, is to focus on the flaws. I am trying to find some. I am really trying, hard. In order to give my M a fighting chance, I know I need to be able to focus on it and it is hard to focus with this OM I can't get out of my head. I have the one thing he mentioned during a lunch, but because of his honesty, my mind is trying to give him a pass. He also uses the term "what's her/his face" when trying to come up with someone's name which drives me absolutely crazy, lol. See, I'm trying...

GG. I am you 3 and a half years ago..... some exact thing....I started getting just a little close to one of my coworkers. My H would call me "fat" and "lazy" (I am maybe a few pounds overweight) and this guy would compliment me and tell me I looked nice and blah blah blah...when u crave that it becomes everything to u...
My H never found out about my affair but I engaged in one for three years and it was terrible. I am still haunted by my feelings for OM...there were times I felt suicidal..depressed beyond belief...do yourself a favor and realize it is not worth it...
and I remember the days of fanaticizing about living with om...with my kids and his daughter and being one happy family.
remember u don't have to talk to this guy about bills and kids and everyday life.
I have never regretted anything more in my life than my affair....and remember I didn't even get caught..

You need to look up the 180 thred in the infidelity chat room.
I can not stress this enough as dody said THIS IS NOT HOW YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO GROW UP!!
They do not need to see that men control women. They need to see that we work together as a team.
Your husband will not see the light if you continue to let him control you. My wife cheated on me and I would not dream of telling her she can not go out with friends!!! She knows it bothers me sometimes since the affair and lets me know exactly what is going on.
YOU ARE !!! I REPEAT YOU ARE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!!!
Give up on the affair that will just make things worse but for your safety and your children get some help as soon as possible.
PLEASE!!! Take control of your life, marriage is not ment to be I control you or else.
Praying and hopping things get better and you find an answer and that your husband can come around.
I am not a supporter of seperation but in this case you need to do everything possible to get your life back and open your husbands eyes.