Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Hi, I'm new here and don't know where to start. I'm confused and know I need help sorting through emotions I have had for several months and are so scary to me. I've been married to my husband for 5 years now but together for 11. I have never had eyes for another man the entire time I've been with my husband. Then I met someone incredible at work, or at least someone I think is incredible with the limited private interactions I've had with him. I'm at the point now where I can't get this other man out of my head and we work in the same office so I see him all he time. We are very friendly toward one another and there is undeniable chemistry. We have also had lunch together a few times and exchanged some personal information although nothing that was out of line by any means. I am so scared because I'm almost feeling like I want something to happen, but I don't. Does that make any sense at all?? My husband and I have been disconnected for a couple of years and our problems have become so trying to me with my patience and understanding wearing thin. He's not physically abusive but he sure is mentally and emotionally abusive in my opinion. I think that this has left me vulnerable to the attraction I feel for my coworker. If anyone could shed some words of wisdom to me that would be so appreciated. This is my first step at trying to get help in dealing with this because I am really not looking to have an affair but I'm smart enough to know that I'm on a slippery slope. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Can you share in %'s how much you want to t to go ahead and have the affair and how much you don't want the affair?
Is the guy you are considering having an affair with single or married?
AFFAIRS ARE NEVER ANSWER. I repeat AFFAIRS ARE NEVER THE ANSWER.
If you are having problems with your husband and don't want to be in the relationship anymore, then divorce him and date people whom you ARE NOT working with.
An affair , once discovered, will hurt
1) You
2) Your affair partner
3) You husband
............to the core of your souls.........and it will destroy all three of your lives.
If at all possible stay away from affairs....
My coworker is single/divorced with 2 older children.
I don't think I could go through with an affair unless I knew there was a good chance at something long term. I am not looking for a fling. I am looking for someone who will treat me the way I should be treated. Ideally that person would be my husband but I don't have as much faith in him as I once did.
I agree with desertflower. The real issue to deal with is the emotional abuse of your H and whatever issues your marriage is having. An A is merely a diversion from addressing those issues, not a fix. Focus instead on dealing with the real problem, seek individual and marital counseling, etc., first. Then if it leads to divorce because of the abuse, then seriously think about a long-term relationship with another man. A single man.
Going the route temptation is presenting you with will end in more pain for all involved. Doubly so if he is also married and has a family.
Though I'm a BS, there are plenty of CSs like desertflower who will confirm that. In the end you'll regret it if you allow yourself to go down that road.
Stay a good girl. In my A time, I said I was fighting the battle of good girl vs bad girl. Bad girl totally won for a while but ultimately good girl won, however, not until I had done the damage and got caught. It is impossible to describe the temptation and the euphoria of an A, but equally impossible to describe the destruction and devastation it leads to.
One thing I have discovered on here by reading lots of stories is that the devastation I experienced is felt by the vast majority on here eventually, whether they were caught, or confessed, or the A ended naturally, or they are still in it but trying to find their way out. It is like a destructive disease that makes you feel more amazing than you ever have felt while silently wreaking destruction that you cannot detect until at some point the tide turns and all the euphoria is gone and nothing is left but the damage, pain, and despair to yourself and others.
I believe that a good course of action (and being on here is a great start) is to:
1) read up on A's and the devastation they cause
2) google search how to stop or prevent an A. There is some good stuff on that.
3) Counseling. Definitely counseling.
4) Make it your project to work on your M. Read some marriage enrichment books. Since my A my H and I have been reading M enrichment books together. It makes more of a difference than you might think. I suggest His Needs Her Needs: Building an Affair Proof Marriage by Willard F Harley Jr. He's got some other books too and an awesome web site called Marriage Builders.
John Gottman is another good author / psychologist. He has an excellent book called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. He, and some others, are also featured in this very good article about lasting relationships. There is a short video in that article too. http://www.businessinsider.com/lasting-relationships-rely-on-2-traits-2014-11
Most married people on here who have ended A's for whatever reason, whether their spouse knows of it or not, have made working on their M a big part of their healing and recovery. If you could make that a big part of your A prevention strategy that would be very awesome. Think of it this way too; if you avert the A and put a lot of effort into working on your M and it isn't fruitful, at least you know you gave it your best and you won't be left with a lot of "if only's" and "what if's".
I think I am putting him on this pedestal of a knight in shining armor, a Prince Charming who will whisk me, and my children because I would never leave them, away from my troubled marriage. I have all but given up on my husband changing and I'm possibly looking to escape. This coworker has a completely different personality than my husband which is what really attracted me to him. I literally fantasize about him setting up a bedroom in his house for my kids complete with bunk beds to convince me to start over with him. Unreal, huh?
*sigh* This really stinks because I would not be having these thoughts of another man if my husband wasn't such a jerk.
http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ8
This is what a cheating spouse feels like after she had confessed.
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/19671005
http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/19247585