It's been about 2 months since I've come here to post.  I'm in a better place mentally and emotionally than I was before, but I'm still struggling with some things.  I've continued seeing a counselor, and that has helped me feel a little more grounded.  I'm not in the deep rut that I was a few months ago.  I no longer feel suicidal and I'm able to function a lot better overall.  The pain is still there, but I've learned to just acknowledge it and move past it, because I can't go down that dark road anymore. 

The divorce papers were served to me back in March and I had to scramble to borrow money for a retainer that I cannot afford, but it had to be done.  Meeting with the lawyer was sad and scary because it solidified everything all the more, and I did not and still don't want this divorce. 

I have not seen or heard from my husband in months with the exception of running into him at a coffeeshop, where he just nodded his head at me and went the other way.  It still hurts so much to accept that he wants nothing to do with me anymore, that I basically don't exist to him.  When D-day came 7 months ago, he basically just washed his hands of me completely, walked away, and never looked back; I was cut off and shut out immediately after 13 years.  That's a tough pill to swallow to this day and I'm trying to come to terms with it the best I can. 

I'm slowly forgiving myself and trying to make peace with my inner demons.  I have days that are better than others and I know that I'm not out of the woods yet.  There is still a long road ahead, still a divorce to go through, still life after all of this mess.  I'm trying to keep faith that I'll be okay, but I find myself thinking about and missing my husband every single day.  There is a void in my life that was once filled with love and companionship, and it has been replaced by a gnawing hunger and an ache so deep that it often brings me to tears.  It's a cruel kind of torture, grieving someone who is still alive.