So all of these questions are rhetorical, I see. Thanks for the grandstanding. Go back to the Infidelity board.

Wow. You are amazing in standing up for people who wreck and ruin lives!

My partner is wonderful. I'm happy I haven't cheated on her but I come here to keep track of things.

I'm with jtk. Some of us are well into recovery and just working through the baggage with others on the board who have been there. OP is basically describing affair fog and/or here to shame people.

I understand your need to troll, I've been there.

If BSs had it in them to be a little more compassionate in the first place then maybe life would be different for them. I'm not saying they wouldn't be victims of infidelity, but maybe the anger would be replaced with empathy and understanding. (Which you all seem to confuse with weakness.)

We're all human; we all fuck up in some way or another. Your 'holier than thou' bullshit is much better served among your like-minded Infidelity posters.

Interesting responses. Here is why I would never, and have never cheated, BECAUSE I AM BETTER THAN THAT AND I DESERVE BETTER!

It's true that I am not better than anyone, but I never felt I was, even when I was faithfully married for 17-ish years.

I am not better than anyone. I AM BETTER THAN THAT AND I DESERVE BETTER.

No one posting on this board is "better than that" or we would not be here. I'm someone who had a second relationship for more than a year. I am not in the same place anymore, but I am still the person who did that and felt justified at the time. I paid dearly, and so did two families.

Look, life's disappointments accumulate, and if the "wrong" person appears and convinces you that they are exactly the "right" person for the moment - or for forever - it can lead to an affair. Not for everyone, so you can put yourself above it, but for more people than you would think. I swore I would never cheat, said I would divorce if I was ever tempted. I was never someone who sought out extra attention and flattery. The reasons I ended up so far from where I started are complicated. Affairs almost always are. It's not a logical choice when one's head is spinning.

Keep in mind the stated purpose of this board.

What you said, Gravinggirl, was very insightful. Thank You.

I had a brief conversation with a married guy who was hitting on me on a dating website. I told him to work on his marriage.

Well good for you sexysub56. You are an outstanding person above everyone here on CA. So why are you slumming here? I can't speak for anyone but myself but I got tired of being treated like crap & went looking for someone to tell me I was worth more than that.

You are of great worth and you should yourself dear.

Saying no ones perfect is completely dismissing the pain you caused others out of selfish weakness. These aren't crimes of passion, not that that it would justify it either. These are relationships and trysts you sought out. Hiding behind religion only fools stupid people. Oh and before i get counter attacked by a bunch of hypocrites seeking forgiveness for their own f@# ups, i was referred here by one of your own. Life is full of inequalities: people have varying levels of emotional and intellectual depth. When loyal people come on and f with you a little, you just have to take it. Take a lesson from one of your nonsense msdirections and turn the other cheek. If you feel badly, ask yourself are you really sorry, or just sorry you got caught? The loyal people and families you may or may not (if you're lucky enough to be in the grace of your victim) have destroyed, the kids who now have to visit their parents didn't seserve to suffer the effects and for years to come so you could get off. The partners who's egoes youve ripped apart, are entirely your fault and you'll have to wear that badge proudly. Narcissists annoymous over here, pat yourselves on the back why don't you? Circling back to the emotional and intellectual depth comment. Some people are just smarter and some people just love more and some people are just better able to predict the future and find ways not to put themselves in compromising positions. Some people can I see some of the stuff coming a mile away and know not to give it into their baser instincts. I'll give you an extreme example: how many people are on death row or facing life in prison because they just don't give a shit about human life and they go out and take it? Many of them do not feel the least bit bad about it and we call them sociopaths.

A lot of you people truly do not have the same level of empathy or you are unable to view or care about the damage you caused others. Worst of all these the people who trusted you and loved you the most. Some people kill people others bite the hand that feeds them, others turn their backs and do whatever the hell they want and there is no justification for any of these scenarios. Nobody Had An Affair To Save A Life. It was nothing but carnal selfish desires. In that regard people who choose not to engage in violence and murder are better than those who do, and so are people who are able to suppress hitting on the hot neighbor chick who bats her eyelashes at him or the guy at the gym who gives you that look and makes you feel special inside because you're a relationship that's hit a doldrum and you lack the intelligence, depth, and communication skills to be able to articulate that to your partner. In this regard yes the loyal people really are better. It's not about ego, pride or vanity its just a fact. The ego, pride and vanity come into play when you say ridiculous nonsense like well my feelings were complicated at the time. It's because the human ego wants to love itself and you have done things that caused that to be undermined. You have in fact created the conditions. If you do in fact love yourself in this scenario, you're narcissistic, and if you hate what you did and truly feel guilty it damages your ego which is counterintuitive but correct. The complication comes into play because you're trying to reconcile you're correct feelings of guilt with the feeling that you want to continue to love yourself. The Freudian battle between the Id and the super-ego. Sexy sub 56 put it a little bit more simply than I have but it's easy to dismiss mere statements. Again I did not look for this community one of your own reached out to me and here you all are, the people who represent my greatest opponents in life. The Eric Cartman, "whatever I'll do what I want" people. Some of you feel bad about it, many of you feel justified or find excuses and this is nothing but ego defense. I understand life is short as much as if not more than any of you, and as an atheist I have an even greater understanding that there are absolutely no Universal consequences for your actions In other words judgement only exists on Earth for people. Its not a tangible reality. That said our honor is all we really have in life and when you say something, you do something or you are a weak person. Does that mean you'll be punished forever for it? No. But that doesn't mean you can do whatever the hell you want. For many of you the damage you have caused can never be made right again. The best thing you can do is to let these people go and find someone else who has an equivalent value system, who has a sense of Honor, who does have a sense of justice, someone who'll means what they say and then actually has the balls to do it. . In some ways it is us, the Loyal who are at fault for giving our hearts to people who never deserved them, the way your partners have given their hearts to you. Some people enjoy drowning puppies and I would make the Bold statement to say that those who don't are in fact better people. Judgment is human, and I am human and I will judge whatever I say to be inherently wrong. And you're just going to have to deal with it because you're on the wrong side of the issue. This is the Western world none of you were forced to marry anybody. You made that promise freely and of sound mind and body, you took the plunge, you made your decisions, and then you f@$#ed it all up. You don't deserve to be patted on the back for this. And I'm not lambasting you I'm simply telling you how it is. Like a lollipop with an active scorpion at the center you can suck it. :p

I agree that we need to keep in mind the stated purpose of this board, in fact in the stated purpose it identifies 'no bashing' which I believe both of your posts are doing just that.

I see that both of you have been hurt deeply and your anger is coming through loud and clear; however, I think you need to be mindful that just like all betrayed spouses are not alike, neither are all cheating spouses. The people on this board care, they support each other, and they all came here to heal from their affairs. There are many nuances in affair recovery: ending your affair if you are able to or healing from an affair that was ended, deciding if you want to work on your primary relationship if that is an option or choosing to end that relationship, and moving forward. With all of that comes a mixed bag of emotions, tears, anxiety, fear, anger, etc. I came here one year after my affair started because I knew it was wrong and couldn't navigate it.....guess what my affair lasted 3 years, with many aftershocks, but I believe it would be still going on without (in addition to my therapy) this site and my journaling.

How dare any of us in the world knock people down when they are trying to heal, when they are trying to get support? Isn't that part of the problem and not part of the solution in this world? No ONE, NO one is better than someone else. And although my demons may be that I have experienced affairs, there is a hell of a lot of good in me too. You don't know me, you don't know these people, you have zero idea of who we are out there nor do you have any idea the circumstances of our affairs or what went on behind closed doors that aided us in making that initial connection.

How dare you classify us as all having a personality disorder - narcissism. Really? You know me that well, that you can diagnose me as narcissistic? Impressive. Learn about NPD before you start throwing the term around: Although many do, not all people with NPD cheat, and not all cheaters have NPD. Some of us....some of us.....actually found genuine love or comfort in the arms of someone else when, no matter how hard we tried, we couldn't find it at home. All our situations are different and many roads led us here, but the point is we are here and we are trying to sort things.

Yes we made a vow/a promise, etc. I am not the same person I was when I walked down that aisle 25+ years ago. You cannot expect someone to experience life experiences and not change. Who would want that? Are you the same person you were 25 years ago? One key is to navigate those changes together; however, if you can't communicate or appreciate these changes or needs in your spouse that is where some (not all because all of us are different) discordances surface and maybe other choices need to be made. Not all marriages are made to last forever and that is ok. If that was so the divorce rate in the US alone wouldn't be so high.

You are both very angry individuals and you have a right to be......but remember the people on this board that you are venting your anger to are not the ones that hurt you. The people on this board are trying to navigate all this and support each other through that. The accusations and inferences you are making on our personalities, our lifestyles, etc are simply filled with hate. And isn't there enough of that right now in this world? You feel the need to spread more in a forum where people are trying to come together and heal? I hope you are both in therapy and if not, maybe you should consider it to find a more productive way to express your extreme holier than thou attitude.