Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I'm not very good at this and I'm always skeptical to talk about myself to people, I feel like I am severely misunderstood. But here goes...
I have been married for 4 years and I have 2 children. Before my marriage (at 22), I never had a serious relationship, I was very open and free. I hooked up with my husband (a good friend at the time) and discovered I was pregnant a month later. At this point in my life, I realized I needed to settle down and prepare for motherhood (it was scary!). I was also getting used to being a good wife. I knew that life was no longer a game and it's not party time. I have rules and I need to get serious.
Before I continue, I would like to say that I wasn't a rule breaker. I can be rebellious and very passionate about life, I just don't see structure like everyone else does. I've never done drugs and my heart is in helping people. I respect the privacy and personal choices of other people, just like I would like mine respected.
about 3 years ago, I started to realize that I wasn't cut out to be a wife, at least not a typical one. My husband is extremely loyal and has his boundaries and I honestly tried really hard in the beginning not to cross them. I ended up having sex with someone. I didn't feel bad about it but I did hate the secrecy so I told my husband. He flipped and basically gave me one more chance to be faithful. We went to marriage counseling and we really seemed to work through our issues.
It took about a year and a half. During that time, I hit a really bad depression. I started to see a doctor. I felt so restrained and confused. I didn't like being called a cheater because I never felt like I cheated anyone, these were my desires and I didn't feel like a bad person but I knew that I was. There were a few times that I had even thought about suicide but I think about my children and I break down. I decided to talk to my husband about an open relationship. Maybe he could go get a girlfriend or just go hook up with another girl. He said no, he couldn't do that. I explained my mindset, that sex and love are different. I love him and I support him but I have no desire to control his sexual appetite. To me, it's like going to a theme park or to the movies. I have tried to see WHY he gets upset about this and I can't. But I do know that when I "cheat" (I like to call it "have an experience"), I feel so much better. I don't do it because I'm selfish or because I am unhappy in my marriage... I just feel that sexual experiences are very important.
So I started to see someone else. He doesn't know. it's been about a year and a half now that I've been having this affair and he knows nothing about it. This guy thinks like I do and it is very comforting. He doesn't think monogamy is healthy and I agree (I only speak from my experiences, everyone is different). This guy and I don't have a real relationship, but after I see him, I feel so much better. But I hate the secrecy, I hate the lying. I know if my husband found out, it would devastate him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or my kids. And recently, my depression has come back. My husband told me that if I cheated, he would want me to leave him before I even considered it. I've tried to explain to him before that we have too much in our relationship to let something so physical get in the way of it. I've been having break downs when I'm alone for the past few weeks. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if everyone else is blind... or what is going on. I've worked myself into exhaustion, I feel like I've given up on everything and I am very scared of hitting the depression that I did before.
If anyone has experienced this or has any experience with this, I would greatly appreciate words of advice, support, or at least someone telling me that I'm not a whack job!
I have been married for 4 years and I have 2 children. Before my marriage (at 22), I never had a serious relationship, I was very open and free. I hooked up with my husband (a good friend at the time) and discovered I was pregnant a month later. At this point in my life, I realized I needed to settle down and prepare for motherhood (it was scary!). I was also getting used to being a good wife. I knew that life was no longer a game and it's not party time. I have rules and I need to get serious.
Before I continue, I would like to say that I wasn't a rule breaker. I can be rebellious and very passionate about life, I just don't see structure like everyone else does. I've never done drugs and my heart is in helping people. I respect the privacy and personal choices of other people, just like I would like mine respected.
about 3 years ago, I started to realize that I wasn't cut out to be a wife, at least not a typical one. My husband is extremely loyal and has his boundaries and I honestly tried really hard in the beginning not to cross them. I ended up having sex with someone. I didn't feel bad about it but I did hate the secrecy so I told my husband. He flipped and basically gave me one more chance to be faithful. We went to marriage counseling and we really seemed to work through our issues.
It took about a year and a half. During that time, I hit a really bad depression. I started to see a doctor. I felt so restrained and confused. I didn't like being called a cheater because I never felt like I cheated anyone, these were my desires and I didn't feel like a bad person but I knew that I was. There were a few times that I had even thought about suicide but I think about my children and I break down. I decided to talk to my husband about an open relationship. Maybe he could go get a girlfriend or just go hook up with another girl. He said no, he couldn't do that. I explained my mindset, that sex and love are different. I love him and I support him but I have no desire to control his sexual appetite. To me, it's like going to a theme park or to the movies. I have tried to see WHY he gets upset about this and I can't. But I do know that when I "cheat" (I like to call it "have an experience"), I feel so much better. I don't do it because I'm selfish or because I am unhappy in my marriage... I just feel that sexual experiences are very important.
So I started to see someone else. He doesn't know. it's been about a year and a half now that I've been having this affair and he knows nothing about it. This guy thinks like I do and it is very comforting. He doesn't think monogamy is healthy and I agree (I only speak from my experiences, everyone is different). This guy and I don't have a real relationship, but after I see him, I feel so much better. But I hate the secrecy, I hate the lying. I know if my husband found out, it would devastate him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or my kids. And recently, my depression has come back. My husband told me that if I cheated, he would want me to leave him before I even considered it. I've tried to explain to him before that we have too much in our relationship to let something so physical get in the way of it. I've been having break downs when I'm alone for the past few weeks. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if everyone else is blind... or what is going on. I've worked myself into exhaustion, I feel like I've given up on everything and I am very scared of hitting the depression that I did before.
If anyone has experienced this or has any experience with this, I would greatly appreciate words of advice, support, or at least someone telling me that I'm not a whack job!
The common vibe here is that most ( deff not all) feel bad, guilt and remorse. Even as the struggle through their A's and cutting contact, they feel bad. Atleast that's what I have seen expressed over the years here.
Dear Centaur,
Some people aren't cut out for monogamy. The world is full of people who choose to live a different lifestyle than what society says is "ok". It doesn't make you whack because you have those desires. Lots of people have open marriages and/or are "swingers" and they have healthy fulfilling marriages. How to get to that point I don't know. You have to be open and honest with your husband and yourself. Can you stay faithful to monogamy? Most definitely need a counselor. Perhaps a kink aware one. Feel free to PM me anytime.
By reading multiple stories and articles about A's & why we have them I've found it has alot to do with our childhoods. If we come from dysfunctional families like mine (physically abusive, cheating alcoholic father, unloving mother) we are more likely to have an affair as adults or continue the same behavior as our parents. It could also stem from our school years & our relationships with teachers & friends. I'm not saying this is your story but it's something to consider. A good psychologist will help you figure this out.
Anyway I know this is probsbly going to turn into pissing contest with you clover so I won't say any more. I did feel compelled though to point that out.
I am sorry I was defensive when you asked that question. I took it the wrong way thinking BS's think there must be a flaw in CS's like we're abnormal or something like that. I think CS's don't understand why we cheated until we've healed and have a clearer head.
While I'm at it I'll add this thought....Like me (I'm 58) Peter is of the older generation. I think this has a lot to do with his comments. Kind of like an angry parent shaking a finger while scolding a child. Just a thought.
This lying and "having experiences", may be what is giving you a feeling of depression, and as long as you continue to deceive your husband, you will be deceiving yourself as well.
When you say,
"To me, it's like going to a theme park or to the movies. I have tried to see WHY he gets upset about this and I can't. But I do know that when I "cheat" (I like to call it "have an experience"), I feel so much better. I don't do it because I'm selfish or because I am unhappy in my marriage... I just feel that sexual experiences are very important."
You can't understand his desires, and he in turn, he cannot understand your desires. No one can tell you how you should live your life, and at the same time, you cannot forge a life with someone who doesn't want the same as you. As you have discovered, lying in order to have what you want, doesn't produce harmony, so you may have to agree to disagree and not expect him to see things your way.
I wish you well.