Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I'm not very good at this and I'm always skeptical to talk about myself to people, I feel like I am severely misunderstood. But here goes...
I have been married for 4 years and I have 2 children. Before my marriage (at 22), I never had a serious relationship, I was very open and free. I hooked up with my husband (a good friend at the time) and discovered I was pregnant a month later. At this point in my life, I realized I needed to settle down and prepare for motherhood (it was scary!). I was also getting used to being a good wife. I knew that life was no longer a game and it's not party time. I have rules and I need to get serious.
Before I continue, I would like to say that I wasn't a rule breaker. I can be rebellious and very passionate about life, I just don't see structure like everyone else does. I've never done drugs and my heart is in helping people. I respect the privacy and personal choices of other people, just like I would like mine respected.
about 3 years ago, I started to realize that I wasn't cut out to be a wife, at least not a typical one. My husband is extremely loyal and has his boundaries and I honestly tried really hard in the beginning not to cross them. I ended up having sex with someone. I didn't feel bad about it but I did hate the secrecy so I told my husband. He flipped and basically gave me one more chance to be faithful. We went to marriage counseling and we really seemed to work through our issues.
It took about a year and a half. During that time, I hit a really bad depression. I started to see a doctor. I felt so restrained and confused. I didn't like being called a cheater because I never felt like I cheated anyone, these were my desires and I didn't feel like a bad person but I knew that I was. There were a few times that I had even thought about suicide but I think about my children and I break down. I decided to talk to my husband about an open relationship. Maybe he could go get a girlfriend or just go hook up with another girl. He said no, he couldn't do that. I explained my mindset, that sex and love are different. I love him and I support him but I have no desire to control his sexual appetite. To me, it's like going to a theme park or to the movies. I have tried to see WHY he gets upset about this and I can't. But I do know that when I "cheat" (I like to call it "have an experience"), I feel so much better. I don't do it because I'm selfish or because I am unhappy in my marriage... I just feel that sexual experiences are very important.
So I started to see someone else. He doesn't know. it's been about a year and a half now that I've been having this affair and he knows nothing about it. This guy thinks like I do and it is very comforting. He doesn't think monogamy is healthy and I agree (I only speak from my experiences, everyone is different). This guy and I don't have a real relationship, but after I see him, I feel so much better. But I hate the secrecy, I hate the lying. I know if my husband found out, it would devastate him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or my kids. And recently, my depression has come back. My husband told me that if I cheated, he would want me to leave him before I even considered it. I've tried to explain to him before that we have too much in our relationship to let something so physical get in the way of it. I've been having break downs when I'm alone for the past few weeks. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if everyone else is blind... or what is going on. I've worked myself into exhaustion, I feel like I've given up on everything and I am very scared of hitting the depression that I did before.
If anyone has experienced this or has any experience with this, I would greatly appreciate words of advice, support, or at least someone telling me that I'm not a whack job!
I have been married for 4 years and I have 2 children. Before my marriage (at 22), I never had a serious relationship, I was very open and free. I hooked up with my husband (a good friend at the time) and discovered I was pregnant a month later. At this point in my life, I realized I needed to settle down and prepare for motherhood (it was scary!). I was also getting used to being a good wife. I knew that life was no longer a game and it's not party time. I have rules and I need to get serious.
Before I continue, I would like to say that I wasn't a rule breaker. I can be rebellious and very passionate about life, I just don't see structure like everyone else does. I've never done drugs and my heart is in helping people. I respect the privacy and personal choices of other people, just like I would like mine respected.
about 3 years ago, I started to realize that I wasn't cut out to be a wife, at least not a typical one. My husband is extremely loyal and has his boundaries and I honestly tried really hard in the beginning not to cross them. I ended up having sex with someone. I didn't feel bad about it but I did hate the secrecy so I told my husband. He flipped and basically gave me one more chance to be faithful. We went to marriage counseling and we really seemed to work through our issues.
It took about a year and a half. During that time, I hit a really bad depression. I started to see a doctor. I felt so restrained and confused. I didn't like being called a cheater because I never felt like I cheated anyone, these were my desires and I didn't feel like a bad person but I knew that I was. There were a few times that I had even thought about suicide but I think about my children and I break down. I decided to talk to my husband about an open relationship. Maybe he could go get a girlfriend or just go hook up with another girl. He said no, he couldn't do that. I explained my mindset, that sex and love are different. I love him and I support him but I have no desire to control his sexual appetite. To me, it's like going to a theme park or to the movies. I have tried to see WHY he gets upset about this and I can't. But I do know that when I "cheat" (I like to call it "have an experience"), I feel so much better. I don't do it because I'm selfish or because I am unhappy in my marriage... I just feel that sexual experiences are very important.
So I started to see someone else. He doesn't know. it's been about a year and a half now that I've been having this affair and he knows nothing about it. This guy thinks like I do and it is very comforting. He doesn't think monogamy is healthy and I agree (I only speak from my experiences, everyone is different). This guy and I don't have a real relationship, but after I see him, I feel so much better. But I hate the secrecy, I hate the lying. I know if my husband found out, it would devastate him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or my kids. And recently, my depression has come back. My husband told me that if I cheated, he would want me to leave him before I even considered it. I've tried to explain to him before that we have too much in our relationship to let something so physical get in the way of it. I've been having break downs when I'm alone for the past few weeks. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if everyone else is blind... or what is going on. I've worked myself into exhaustion, I feel like I've given up on everything and I am very scared of hitting the depression that I did before.
If anyone has experienced this or has any experience with this, I would greatly appreciate words of advice, support, or at least someone telling me that I'm not a whack job!
I just wondering what you are doing here.
You NEVER offer ANYTHING that is even REMOTELY supportive.
Your responses are ALWAYS snide, rude, comdemning and disrespectful.
You HAVE NOTHING TO OFFER US.....................EXCEPT YOUR ************SMART********* MOUTH.
You chose to take shots as "you should have keep your legs closed", "grow up" or whatever you feel are supportive words of wisdom. Unlike you, I truly did not mean to inflict pain on you or anyone else. But you give it out, so I assume that is what you respond best to and you can take it.
But I'm going to say something that I have yet to hear you say.....I sincerely apologize to you if I hurt your feelings. I am a good person. I don't like bullying on people trying to find their way or getting help. You're approach is that of a bully.
I don't think I am better than anyone else. I, like Centaur and like everyone else, including you and your wife, am fallible. But I made an error and tried to work through it and rectify it. Many on here who have read my journals in the past year know just that, so I don't owe you anything.
And Peter, unless you walk in someone's shoes, you have no idea what this is like. None. While in an affair and coming out of it, you have no idea whats real or whats not, what is the truth or not, your mind, your being, your perceptions are shattered. Its unlike anything else. God bless any cheating man or woman on this site that is putting themselves and their situation "out there" to elicit support and sort these emotions.
LOL.....As for putting up with me....don't worry Peter we wouldn't last 30 seconds together. Peter, its been 30 years, let it go and enjoy life. There are too many beautiful things in this world to enjoy then to stay stuck in anger over something that happened 30 years ago.
Again, I apologize for infiltrating this thread. I would be more than happy to continue this through PM.
You too, are also here to seek help.
Please understand that that SMART MOUTH of yours does NOTHING TO HELP US IN ANYWAY.
You are welcomed here if coming here to READ is helpful to you.
If you just keep that SMART MOUTH OF YOUR SHUT...........EVERYONE WOULD BE HAPPY.
YOU COME HERE ALL THE TIME.............................JUST TO TAKE CHEAP SHOTS AT US.
If coming here is helpful to you, why do you PROVOKE US ?
In no way am I saying it's an excuse to abuse your partner. In no way am I saying it's the partner's fault. Just don't use it as an excuse. Especially, If you had one foot out the door in the first place. Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly. We are imperfect and weak people. If you're not ready for high high's and the low low's, don't bother getting married.
And you are abusing everyone with your comments. You're trying to make everyone feel bad. I don't feel bad about cheating on my husband. I did at one time but not anymore. I was angry with him. I was neglected. I don't blame him for my actions. I take full responsibility. It was my way of getting back at him. Honestly, I like my marriage a whole lot better now than then.