I'm not very good at this and I'm always skeptical to talk about myself to people, I feel like I am severely misunderstood. But here goes...

I have been married for 4 years and I have 2 children. Before my marriage (at 22), I never had a serious relationship, I was very open and free. I hooked up with my husband (a good friend at the time) and discovered I was pregnant a month later. At this point in my life, I realized I needed to settle down and prepare for motherhood (it was scary!). I was also getting used to being a good wife. I knew that life was no longer a game and it's not party time. I have rules and I need to get serious.

Before I continue, I would like to say that I wasn't a rule breaker. I can be rebellious and very passionate about life, I just don't see structure like everyone else does. I've never done drugs and my heart is in helping people. I respect the privacy and personal choices of other people, just like I would like mine respected.

about 3 years ago, I started to realize that I wasn't cut out to be a wife, at least not a typical one. My husband is extremely loyal and has his boundaries and I honestly tried really hard in the beginning not to cross them. I ended up having sex with someone. I didn't feel bad about it but I did hate the secrecy so I told my husband. He flipped and basically gave me one more chance to be faithful. We went to marriage counseling and we really seemed to work through our issues.

It took about a year and a half. During that time, I hit a really bad depression. I started to see a doctor. I felt so restrained and confused. I didn't like being called a cheater because I never felt like I cheated anyone, these were my desires and I didn't feel like a bad person but I knew that I was. There were a few times that I had even thought about suicide but I think about my children and I break down. I decided to talk to my husband about an open relationship. Maybe he could go get a girlfriend or just go hook up with another girl. He said no, he couldn't do that. I explained my mindset, that sex and love are different. I love him and I support him but I have no desire to control his sexual appetite. To me, it's like going to a theme park or to the movies. I have tried to see WHY he gets upset about this and I can't. But I do know that when I "cheat" (I like to call it "have an experience"), I feel so much better. I don't do it because I'm selfish or because I am unhappy in my marriage... I just feel that sexual experiences are very important.

So I started to see someone else. He doesn't know. it's been about a year and a half now that I've been having this affair and he knows nothing about it. This guy thinks like I do and it is very comforting. He doesn't think monogamy is healthy and I agree (I only speak from my experiences, everyone is different). This guy and I don't have a real relationship, but after I see him, I feel so much better. But I hate the secrecy, I hate the lying. I know if my husband found out, it would devastate him and the last thing I want to do is hurt him or my kids. And recently, my depression has come back. My husband told me that if I cheated, he would want me to leave him before I even considered it. I've tried to explain to him before that we have too much in our relationship to let something so physical get in the way of it. I've been having break downs when I'm alone for the past few weeks. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or if everyone else is blind... or what is going on. I've worked myself into exhaustion, I feel like I've given up on everything and I am very scared of hitting the depression that I did before.

If anyone has experienced this or has any experience with this, I would greatly appreciate words of advice, support, or at least someone telling me that I'm not a whack job!