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How to deal with a break up while you're married?

Sophie05
Sophie05

Hi,


My affair partner has told me that he is rethinking "us." He doesn't want to be the bad guy, or break up a family, he wants a girlfriend he can take out and show off, etc. And I understand, but I also don't want to lose him. Truth be told I am better in my marriage with him and his love. I don't know if it's hurt pride, or bruised ego, but my husband is very concerned about his mopey wife who has started crying for no reason. It's a classic breakup. But, Im married and I thought it would soften the blow. 


Im pathetically waiting for my partner to make a ruling on where his heart lies...I'm such a coward. Why am I so afraid of losing his affections?


Any tips?


Some background: he's 21 years older than me, lives 4 hours away now, and came after me first. It's my first affair. I've been married 10 years.

calirn13
calirn13
You can’t fix your marriage?
Sophie05
Sophie05
Yes, it doesn't really have anything wrong. There has been some built up bitterness and resentment. We've talked about it. He's changing. Truly. I feel like my affair kept me on life support in my marriage. Maybe I'm afraid of losing the validation, or of change in general at this uncertain time in the world. I told my ap he was free. I wasnt going to wait for him to decide or make him feel responsible for my feelings. I'm going to try to pour myself back into my marriage. Even though it feels stale sometimes. I just wondered if anyone on here has gone through the loss of a partner they really loved, even though they knew it could never be. Because it sucks.
Jfair
Jfair
The heartbreak of losing an AP you loved is real and powerful. Dealing with the aftermath of emotions alone (whether you tell or not) is an awful, painful experience. Whether you tell your husband or not, you will have to wait and work through your withdrawal.

It has been 2.5 years since my affair which lasted a mere 2 months. It was the most difficult thing to continue in the marriage feeling such uncertainty about the future, not knowing whether you or your marriage will ever recover. I feel like 2.5 years later, I'm finally FINALLY over the ordeal and my marriage is on the mend. Not perfect, not completely fixed but healing. As is my heart. I'm no longer triggered by the other man and the fog has lifted. There's hope!
chpdl
chpdl
I don’t have any tips other than that it is hard at first. You are struggling with a breakup. Do you see a therapist? That helped me. Maybe journaling your feelings? Getting them out helped as well. Find times to let yourself be sad when your husband is not around. Then try to let those times be the ones you let it all out so you don’t have to when your husband is around. And, really throw yourself into the marriage. You are mourning a loss and it will take time, but you will heal. I am a little over a year from the end of my affair and the sadness is few and far between these days. And honestly, my marriage is better than ever.
TwoSteps
TwoSteps
I am in a similar situation. Massively caught on Feb 8th and then lost job due to Covid and then of course Covid.

My AP was also a lifeline for my very dysfunctional marriage (which is a freaking disaster right now). I never intended on leaving my husband but after this we are both still unsure. I have been in counseling ever since. My story is long and detailed but still the same as most and very similar to yours. My AP finally stopped contact 11 days ago although he has been the one contacting me since Feb. I have been in emotional ICU ever since. I highly recommend turning into yourself to do some work. I have a couple very good books that function more like handbooks that I can recommend. Where is the situation now? Has he made a decision?