Hi onendone,

Can I ask you how long has it been since you were caught?

The confirmation was mid September.

Yes. Not so much that I can't put them into words, but more because anything I say she seems to turn into a criticism of her. She takes everything I say or do (or don't do) as an insult. I'm not allowed to get angry, and she has as much as told me so. Out of fear of invoking her wrath, I hold it in. Sorry, held. I'm still having a tough time applying the past tense. She would ask me how I felt about something, and before I got ten words out, she'd take over for 20 minutes about what was bothering her.

One, did you have problems communicating with your wife prior to your infidelity?

For many years, no. Just over the last 3 or 4 and it got gradually worse. I'm sure some of it could be attributed to the onset of menopause, but she got more and more inclined to take everything as an insult. Trying not to insult her, I got more reticent. Actually, after the affair had essentially run its course, things were starting to get progressively better. Then she got confirmation of the affair.

One, did you have an emotional affair with your affair partner?

Did you find your affair partner easier to talk to than your wife?

Yes. She was in the process of leaving her own husband because of abuse, and I listened. My wife was was withdrawing all affection at the time and she listened. She was a friend, nothing more. I never put my wife down or anything like that; I just expressed my fear and frustration that my wife was slipping away from me, turning to wood before my eyes and I couldn't reach her. She offered suggestions trying to help. Some helped, and some didn't.

One, the road to reconcilliation is a difficult one.

One of the most important part of reconcilaition is communication.

I would recommend marriage counselling and individual counselling for the both of you.

If you folks don't already know about survivinginfidelity.com , I would recommend that to you folks.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?fid=2

During the week after the confirmation, she agreed to reconciliation and counseling. The next day, she had changed her mind and wanted divorce. I went to counseling later that week, but she refused. 2 weeks ago, i went back to my counselor because I had hope again. She went to counseling the next day. We've been communicating by email because we're afraid to talk directly. Her counselor told her to "put all the garbage on the kitchen table so you can go through it" so I gave her the detailed confession she asked for.

Last night we met at a bluegrass open microphone, didn't talk about the marriage, and got along just fine. Today I went back to the house and cleaned her (my former) shower stall (small gesture of atonement because she couldn't handle the cleaner fumes), she brought it up, asked more questions, didn't like the answers and got furious. Hurled accusations about prior affairs about women I had a tough time understanding who she meant. Thanks for the link. I'll check it out and pass it on.

Hey one, everything about your wife that you described (in the above paragraph) is NORMAL.

To fully understand what your wife is going through I HIGHLY RECOMMEND that you read this link from survivinginfidelity.com.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

After you read it you will understand her mood swings.

One, read question 8 "How long will it take for me to heal from this".

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp

This will tell you why your wife is acting the way she is acting.

Thank you. She and I had a good, even playful email exchange today and it ended on a fairly friendly note. Is your avatar Snarf from Thundercats?

Yes. That is Snarf.

I forgot to mention in my last post that you are MOST welcomed onendone.

Good read. Thank you. In my reading of these discussions, I notice that a lot of people have a really tough time with the practice of No Contact with the affair partner. Am I weird because I'm having No Problem with having No Contact with her? That was what we all agreed on, and I miss my friend, but I'm not having any difficulty in that regard. I miss my wife much more. I just wish she would recognize that.