You're right. I realized that was sexist soon after I hit the submit button.

Thank you for the responses above, not sure if they are directed to me or not but anyhow they are useful. Thanks especially for janedoe40 and weakminded, your comments are helpful and I feel like I can stop now and not make the one wrong decision that would ruin my life. There seems to be a guy in there (justdrifting?), your comments are valid but a bit degrading, luckily I know my own worth and my own attractiveness.

These are he kind of comments I needed to see not just "don't do it it sucks."
It's an addicting..my target is single. I don't want to do anything to ruin my daughters beautiful life that's a head if her. I'm grouchy and miserable when I don't talk to him, I hate that about it.
I def need to see a therapist and talk about it, I think the fact that it's a secret is what's making it go on.

All I can say is....stop NOW! You will be so miserable. You think you have an eating disorder now? Wait until you start up an affair and I can't even imagine how the guilt would consume me if I had an infant at home. I have stressed over it so much, I ended up at the dr. thinking I was having heart problems.
It's a horrible, terrible way to live. I have spent my entire summer consumed by it and it's just one big nightmare. OH and the kicker to my story is----it's still an EA. (although he's my former first love who came back into my life).

Listen, there are some people here telling you to dip your toes in the water. There are others warning you against it, others telling you to just do it, and still others just telling you to get a divorce if you're unhappy.

Here is an opinion born of experience. Regardless of others opinions on this board it is YOUR choice. that being said the consequences are concrete.

If you love him, you will be steeped in guilt.
If you have children you are risking their happiness and stability for what amounts to a piece of ass.
If you have a conscience it will eventually prevail and you will tell him
If you have a conscience and you don't tell him, guilt will eat away at your marriage like locusts

Most of the people here from what I've read (and I've read days worth of posts) are living in hell because of what they've done. the BS are equally in hell because of what has been done to them. There are no winners in cheating. you are trading an hour or two of sex for your marriage/relationship.

There IS a way you can experience your fantasy AND keep your marriage. Be an adult and tell your partner that you want to open the marriage. It isn't cheating if there's an arrangement. You can have all the passionate sex you want. You can even meet up in hotel rooms and let the other person think you're cheating if that's your thing.

The point here is you have options. you sound like the kind of person who would instantly regret the decision and come back here freaking out about having done something horrible.

Please let the many experiences here guide you in a healthier direction not laden with guilt, pain, and heartbreak.

I definitely think you should see a therapist of some sort. I've never seen a sex therapist, but one might be helpful to you. Cheating is something you can't undo. I've never cheated on a boyfriend, so I don't know how similar it is to cheating on your husband, but just don't do it. Nothing good will come of it. The temporary good feelings will fade and it will leave you feeling worse. Be proud of yourself for not going further than you have and stop talking to the old friend. It will be hard, but you need to cut that temptation out of your life. Believe me! Just don't do it! Make sure you find the right person to talk to. You need someone that will encourage you to be faithful. And if you don't feel comfortable talking to your husband now, I suggest marriage counseling. Counseling is not a shameful thing. Counseling in any capacity is something you decide to do to help you grow as a person, or as a couple. Wishing you strength! It might take years, but you'll come out of the fog of all the lustful feelings and realize it wasn't the real you wanting to do these things (I think). And you'll be so happy you didn't act on them. Look within and find the reason you got this far and address that.

Have you considered role-playing with your H?Maybe get a sitter, and then meet up at a bar or somewhere, pretending you don't know each other? Wear a wig, etc?

I think it's easy to get lost in the roles we take on (wife, mother, etc) and lose our sense of US...what makes us desirable, etc.

If your H is a good man, a good provider, a good father, maybe you can get your thrills from him.

I am not the originator of this thread, but shared similar temptations. The latest messages above are refreshing. I guess I am the lucky one that whilst the temptations were there, the temptations are now gone. Not of my own doing (not so pious), but I guess the other party also has a conscience and didn't really want to cheat on his wife and his wife became suspicious of why there had been so many messages from a girl. Now I just treat this as life experiences. All of us are human and we grow by making choices and hopefully the right choices. I am glad I had many people praying for me all the while the temptations were taking place.

And I read a book lately that summarises this type of situation/temptations well:

"Awareness" by Anthony De Mello in the chapter re illusions: "When you cling, life is destroyed; when you hold onto anything, you cease to live. Happiness is not the same as excitement, it's not the same as thrills. Desire breeds anxiety and sooner or later it brings its hangover."

Just coming back to this thread again... I envy you so much. Every night is a nightmare. Even after confessing I'm laden with guilt and what ifs. Don't do this.

I have been dealing with the pain of my wife's affair for almost a year now. Please think about the fact that you could scar your husband for life, killing his trust not just in you but in himself and all of life for that matter. You should think long and hard and probably look at some of the BS hurt before ever thinking about it. Also I would if you want an honest marriage tell him about your feelings. The aftermath of an affair never ends good, it ends with a whole lot of pain and hurt.

Anybody notice this is an old post? Whatever she was struggling with internally is not enough for her to come back and discuss further. Although the various thoughts and responses to this are interesting.

It's just one of those posts that haunts you because you see a train wreck coming down the line. I wish the original poster would respond again to give us an update on what is happening.

Hi guys, I took a long break from the site.
Updates?
Yes I cheated, telling someone not to do it isn't enough.
My A lives 6 hours away and I've seen him three times since that post.
Everything that I wrote about is different in my life.
I started seeing a psychiatrist and haven't been able to mutter a word about it. The secret is the most appealing part of the A.
For those of you that have been caught or confessed you need to understand that for a person that hasn't the thinking is "well if I got away with it no one gets hurt."
My husband and I often discuss open marriage and polyamory because many times I've made it clear I'm capable of loving more than one person, BUT I am still betraying him by lying about everything, I know this.
Life is short, and temptation beckons me.
I no longer long for attention, that's not my end game. I found a puzzle piece that fits my own but he happens to be from a different puzzle all together. Isn't that why we are here? We can't make things fit properly.
My AP is a few years younger than me, not married, no kids and has no interested in mine. There is no future ever with my AP except our friendship that now hold valuable secrets of romance. At his point we've agreed there no future here accept being with each other when it's free and fun and most of all safe.

Don't really know where to go from here. I wish I could have them both.

Welcome to the club.:D

You should take a long look at your marriage and yourself. Your spouse should know you and love you 100% of the way you are. Easy to say and like all simple and important things in life - hard to do.

Your marriage: Something is missing there. Up to you and your husband to be honest about it.
Yourself: You were created in a certain way. No amount of effort will change that forever. You can suppress who you are - plenty of ways to do that, but that solves nothing. How to be yourself in real life is a topic for an entire new forum I guess. Your best bet is in finding understanding from your husband.

Here's a good question for you, a novice in the "A" business: Do you believe that your first affair will be your last? Most likely the answer is "no". That's why you need to understand how things roll.

Trust me, you are not sure yet if you are "capable of loving more than one person". After years of loving more than one person you will see what I mean. It sounds like you will know one day.

Not telling your spouse is not necessarily a betrayal or a lie. Have you asked yourself if he actually senses or even knows that something about you has changed? In my opinion if he does not sense anything I think that he is not very tuned to you and that is a real problem (in my opinion worst than an actual affair because it can be long lasting and quietly corrupting the marriage for a very long time). But maybe he senses something but simply does not want to know more? Telling him could hurt him badly. Not telling him could actually be the best way. I speak from an actual experience so please trust me and be very careful how open and forward you are. Some years ago I came up with a great rule to remember about marriage: "Takes two to make it and two to brake it". So it all that is up to you (two, both of you!) to figure out the level of transparency.

Here's a positive view on affairs; The experience does not need to be negative. Most people that feel the need to share their experience/opinion on a public forum will sound more or less negative. But that is not everybody that has had an affair and does not describe the full range of emotions/experiences. My own old posts from about 3 years ago probably sound negative too, but things have evolved in a positive way after an affair that lasted 13 years and will never be gone from my heart. The "A" can be an enriching experience, for sure. Hope you can say the same thing one day.

Good luck.

Yes, definitely don't it. I think pretty much everyone on this board that has cheated will say that they wish they hadn't. Seek the help of a therapist so you can talk through the feelings you are having.