Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I was the CS, for two years, and was emotionally invested in the relationship, and truly thought I found my soul mate and thought I was truly in love. Ive been married to my wife for 12 years, and was ready to throw it all away becasue I was convinced I could not be happy with her. I wasnt sexually satisfied and lacked a connection, and guess what? I found that with the OW. I was caught twice, with the same OW, and my wife still wants to give me a chance to change. Ive even told her that I was and still am in love with the OW. I am currently out of that other relationship, said it was over, and I feel horrible about it. It was like a drug, and I am craving the OW, her face, her Love, everything, and its really tough to get her out of my head. I feel like I am going crazy.
I know in my head that staying with my wife is for the best, for everyone involved, but my heart is telling me something totally different. I cant seem to shake it, I try staying busy, but I cant be busy all of the time. Some one please tell me this will pass......all this heartache, and sorrow, and feelling like Ive made the wrong decision in staying with my family.
I know in my head that staying with my wife is for the best, for everyone involved, but my heart is telling me something totally different. I cant seem to shake it, I try staying busy, but I cant be busy all of the time. Some one please tell me this will pass......all this heartache, and sorrow, and feelling like Ive made the wrong decision in staying with my family.
But if she needs to know - do answer all the questions she asks truthfully. Any resistance on your part will be perceived as continuation of lying. If you cannot be honest about the past how is she supposed to trust that you will be able to be honest about the present?
You can provide the frame and let your wife decide how much she needs to know to heal.
If she is asking about the details do warn her that it might hurt her and make sure she wants to hear them. Do not volunteer the details she is not asking about unless they put the OW in the bad light.
Be kind and considerate - for example if she asks "did you love her" - you can say "yes, I believe I did, or so it felt at the time" but NOT "I loved her so much! Being without her hurts so much" etc. If she asks "did you have oral sex?" - "Yes, we did have oral sex" but NOT "We did have oral sex and it was the best sex I have ever had". "Yes, she did have an ok body" but NOT "she has the best body I have ever seen, I dream about her breasts all the time" - you get the idea. Your wife is not to become your confidante in this case. It is supposed to be about her and her pain not about you and clearing you conscience. And apologize apologize apologize. Assure her you are ready to do anything and everything to make it up to her. Console her, stay with her pain, apologize, if you don't know what else to do or say - just hold her (unless she doesn't want you to, but I believe she will).
I would say if she really loves you (as it seems she does), she will stay if you show your true commitment to your marriage. She needs this information not to decide if she wants to stay or leave, but rather to process what has happened and grieve properly.
Please do read the book I suggested earlier, I know it is also a must read on Gabi's list (if it sounds better to you coming from a CS rather than from a BS spouse) How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald. It will guide you through what you need to do.
Good luck.
I didn't want to know much either...but that changed :)
I have a friend who had a serious EA. It was close to PA but ended suddenly. Her H didn't want to know much. She pulled up all the e-mails and told him he could read them if he wanted. he deleted them all without looking. It was enough for him to know it wasn't PA so he felt it would hurt him to know details. She actually wanted to tell him details but respected his wishes. He knows all he needs to do is ask if he ever wants to know more.
Trickle truth is very damaging to rebuilding, but if she feels she knows the basic framework and that is enough for her then so be it, at least it is her choice based on honest and open communication.
Another thing, there was a couple H and I were working with. She was the CS. She told me some things that her H didn't know. Meanwhile, we find out he actually did know but was keeping that from her. Rebuilding could not progress because he could not move forward until she told him what she THOUGHT he didn't know. We could not tell her he knew but I kept encouraging her to have that "tell all" conversation and make sure she left nothing out. she finally did it, and because she told him what she thought he didn't know, he finally believed that she was being clean with him and no longer hiding things or lying. This "unstopped" their stalemate and they have been able to progress very well and make great strides in healing and in their marriage. It is horrible for the BS to feel that deceit is still going on. That is the important thing. That there is no more deceit, complete honesty, and that the BS knows this in whatever way you can convey that.
"You have nothing. You have a pile of secrets and lies, and you're calling it love. And in the meantime you're letting your whole life pass you by while they raise children and celebrate anniversaries and grow old together. You're frozen in time. You're holding your breath. You're a statue waiting for something that's never going to happen. Living for stolen moments in hotel hallways and coat closets and you keep telling yourself they all add up to something real because in your mind they have to but they don't. They won't. They never will. Because stolen moments aren't a life. So you have nothing. You have no one. End it now."
That's a great perspective. I used to watch that show but its too hard to watch now. Are you still seeing him now? Are you single, if you don't mind me asking?