Cheaters Anonymous Community Group

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Getting over the OW

sublime76
sublime76
I was the CS, for two years, and was emotionally invested in the relationship, and truly thought I found my soul mate and thought I was truly in love. Ive been married to my wife for 12 years, and was ready to throw it all away becasue I was convinced I could not be happy with her. I wasnt sexually satisfied and lacked a connection, and guess what? I found that with the OW. I was caught twice, with the same OW, and my wife still wants to give me a chance to change. Ive even told her that I was and still am in love with the OW. I am currently out of that other relationship, said it was over, and I feel horrible about it. It was like a drug, and I am craving the OW, her face, her Love, everything, and its really tough to get her out of my head. I feel like I am going crazy.

I know in my head that staying with my wife is for the best, for everyone involved, but my heart is telling me something totally different. I cant seem to shake it, I try staying busy, but I cant be busy all of the time. Some one please tell me this will pass......all this heartache, and sorrow, and feelling like Ive made the wrong decision in staying with my family.
rosewater
rosewater
fiberjunkie, I didn't mean to sound glib. Forgot there were little ones involved. I have seen so many marriages run on for years unhappy, really unhappy. Divorced parents can be good parents too. I never knew a day of happiness between my own parents and sighed relief when they finally separated. They made home life hell. I guess we all brig our own baggage that affects our beliefs, etc.
sublime76
sublime76
Well today would have been the two year anniversary with the OW. We broke up, actually got caught for the second time almost two weeks ago now. NC since then, its been really hard. I have this overwhelming urge to contact her. Not even sure what I would say. Probably apologize, tell her that I still and always will love her. I didn't want to be a part time dad, so I stayed and will continue working on things at home. Sometimes I think it was easier juggling two lives. This pain and everything else has to go away. I cant live like this the rest of my life. I have got to find a way to move on!
sublime76
sublime76
And I know contacting her would only hurt her as well, what a fix I put everyone in
Not fair to anyone involved especially her and my W. She cant move on if I bother her, she is so upset with me Im sure, and so hurt. I never intended for any of this, never meant to fall in love with a stranger.
rosewater
rosewater
Oh, bless your heart. I hate it that you are hurting. Prayers for you,
notmyself1
notmyself1
Hi sublime
Believe me i know exactly what you're going thru. I have been there. Here's the thing, its all still very fresh. You can't fully concentrate on your M with these raw feelings still inside of you. You need to give yourself time. There's no point in telling OW you're sorry and love her, because you're right. It will hurt. Both if you. You'll be ripping open that wound again and all of the "promises" will start up again.

It's extremely hard, but you need to keep the NC and give you both the time needed. We're here for you. PM me if you'd like. Journal your thoughts and feelings. Write your thoughts to your OW but dont send it to her. Just get the feelings out so you can heal.

Stay strong. Hugs to you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You can make it through. I know it's very tough. Keep trying with your wife. All you can do is be open with her and try to renew that connection. We're here for you.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Journaling is a great idea, too! I know when I write it always helps to get stuff out of my head.
sublime76
sublime76
A question. Am i a horrible person to have occupied two years of this womans life, and at the end, nither one of us has anything left to show, except good and bad memeories? I do believe it was tru love. I mean she did know what she was getting into. She was married herself for the first year. Then after she divorced, everything changed. I just feel really bad, like i let her down.
jayalexander
jayalexander
Sublime, I feel for you. Are you a horrible person? Making a mistake does not make you a horrible person. But you are right - the OW did know you were married. Have you ever promissed her anything? Told her that you will leave your wife to be with her? If not, then don't beat yourself up for what you did to her. SHE DID HAVE A CHOICE. You can read in any magazine what happens when you get involved with a married man (ok, you can't read about the pain it causes to the BS). She knew what she was getting into. Not that it makes her surrefing any less, only that it is the consequence of what she did.
Your wife on the other hand didn't have a choice. You did not ask her permission, so I would focus on your wife and rebuilding your marriage if this is where your real love and loyalty is.
Stay strong with NC. It is crucial or else it will be restarting from zero level over and over again and the pain will last much longer. And might jeopardize your marriage.
You can do this!
redlegs
redlegs
Sublime, if it helps any, reading your thoughts is very helpful to me. I was involved with a married man for 9 years and it ended when his wife found out. The difference between your case and mine: I am also married and the OM had another woman besides me. he made me lots of false promises. It ended 4 months ago and it has been agony. Knowing how you feel gives me an idea of what he feels. In some ways I am glad it is over, but I have always wondered if he misses me. Hearing from a man who has been there helps me to get some answers.

I hope you can find peace. And you are right, contacting her will only prolong the pain.
Gabrielle48
Gabrielle48
I had to stop hurting for my OM. I had to let him have his share of the guilt. He is 100% to blame for his part. For himself. I am 100% to blame for my part. For me. I had to stop carrying that for him and focus on my H and myself and my M.

and remember....guard your thoughts. You WILL think about it, but rolling around in it will only keep it fresh and alive. You must try hard not to obsess or allow yourself to indulge in long long "thinking about it" sessions.
deleted_user
deleted_user
You're not a bad person. Please give yourself some grace. She got out of it what you could give her. There are never guarantees in life, and I'm sure she knows that. The advice you've gotten here is great. Get it out here if you need to, but focus on what you can do to make the situation you have chosen better.
notmyself1
notmyself1
Red - nicely said. It is nice to get the other perspective. Sublime, you're a good man. Continue to move forward with your M.

Gabby - great advice - as always!

Sublime - listen to these responses, they are from people who have been through it and offer up some great advice.

Stay strong and focused.
sublime76
sublime76
I am contemplating disclosing everything to my W. There are things she doesnt know, the length of time, the time actually spent with this woman. I did not before because she did not know the OW was married when she contacted me. And I was afraid that if she, the W were to know, that she may contact the OW ex and tell him and that would be really bad, for the OW. I dont want to cause her any more pain and teh fact tat she has full custody of her kids, I would not do anything to jeopardize that. But in a way, Im not giving my W all the info she needs to make a right decision weather or not she wants to stay. I know it seems like insignificant stuff but , if I am to make amends and fix this, I would think it would be wise to be totally honest. Start fresh. Any advise would be appreciated.
rosewater
rosewater
I say no way. W knows you were unfaithful. The more you tell her the more she can imagine those moments and it will add fuel to the fire.