ive known my ex om for the past 17 years.. we divorced our spouses for each other just to not have it work out..fast forward to 2 years ago.. started seeing each other again, and im remarried to the man i divorced for him... i feel the same way as you and found that time doesnt make my feelings any less intense.. as a matter of fact, it just seems to get more intense, so i am wondering the same thing as you....
my therapist says i will always love him, and forget ever getting over that feeling, and that i need to just start thinking with my head, and not my heart ..ugh
so, im right where you are, except for the fact that im still seeing him secretly...
heard

I am having these urges to reach out to her, and tell her I am sorry, to tell her I still Love her, but I know that would be a very bad idea. I know it was "real" love, despite what others say, and even my therapist said the same thing "Wow, you are in Love with this OW" But when I do the math, and think about all that I would be giving up, a very, very loving and forgiving woman, a wonderful child together, I would be giving everything up, for her, not my child of course, but i would be changing his life forever. The OW isnt even as attractive, but its something about her, her spirit. I know they say that relationships out of an affair will not last, bt I was hoping to beat the odds.

The OW was married when we first met, she divorced about a year in, not for me, she filed once before, he was never there, worked off shore alot. It was going to happen wether I was in her life or not, but she kept the house, the kids, everything, nothing really changes for her. But in my case, my spouse was always there, so was I, if we divorced, there goes the house, I would have to move, take my kid out of school, , everything would change for me. And I dont think she understood that. We did the off an on thing for the whole two years, a lot of tears were shed, and now its seems to be over, she hasnt contacted me at all, but then again its been only a week. If she does, I dont think I can resist........

Has anyone had the OW/OM in their life, "Cheat" on them? While in the A? I felt so destroyed. it was like a hurt I have never experienced, why though? The OW said she wanted to get over me, and possibly make me make a decision about the future, it forced my hand, I became, almost obsessive, and kicked things into high gear as in stepping closer to a divorce. But, I could not get the image of her with another man out of my head, even though, I was still with my spouse. Crazy feelings like that confuses the mess out of me.

Oh yes. The OM I was involved with for 9 years had at least 2 other women while he was involved with me. His wife broke the news about that to me and it was like someone clubbed me over the head with a hammer. Looking back, all the signs were there, but I didn't want to see them.

sublime, sounds to me like you have made your decision, and your not going back... your w sounds like a great woman, and im glad you have seen her this way.. i know its only been a week, but a week is better than no week, right???
as far as my ex cheating on me.. well, we have a dont ask, and dont tell policy.. we never ever talk about our other relationships because it doesnt really have anything to do with us together.. i dont want to know what hes doing, but i would be a fool to think he hasnt or isnt.. he is single, so he has that right, and i am married, so its a mute point really... i know it sounds like i have blinders on, but its none of my business what hes doing.. im a big girl, and i dont really want to go there.. what he does is his business, and what i do, is mine..
if i were to find out something, well, like i said, it doesnt effect what we are together..
just my thoughts on the issue.. i know it sounds weird, but it works for us...
good luck, and keep coming back for support, we are here for ya...
and your making some great choices about your life, so think about that.. your doing GREAT!!
heard

Wow, This has been a real eye opener. I knew I wasnt the only person in the world to be in this position, but it has felt that way. The thing is, that I see all the signs, I knew what would probably happen if I chose the OW, I researched things in regards to Affairs, I made a pros and cons list I read a wonderful article called "True Love vs. Affair Love" and it was me and her, all of it. But I still continued, everything was pointing to ending it with the OW, but I continued. It was so powerful, and I felt a sense of guilt for not choosing her, I felt I had let her down.

This site has done more for me that any therapist can do. The only issue, well one of them left, is telling my W everything, I mean, she knows of teh affair, but not the amount of time spent with the OW, not the lenghth of teh Affair. I told her is was half of what it was in time, and did not go into detail about the indepthness, the staying the night, the going to dinner and a movie, the time I spent with her, the full days off of work, the uncountable times we had sex, ect...Not sure if that would hurt or help.

my h found out about the first time i was in the a with my ex, and i divorced him over it, because i couldnt live in that world..
this time around with my ex he knows nothing, and im very happy keeping it it there.. as you can see, i dont like controversy, and i cant deal with the aftermath, so im better living in the denial than the truth..
i could never tell my h anything because for him, it would crush his world, and i dont want to be responsible for that..
we all have to do what we feel comfortable in doing.. time will tell if its right for you to go into more detail, or if you should leave that alone.. we all have a certain path we are to lead..
good luck in whatever is right for you...
and like you, this site has helped me more than my shrink has.. i think ill stay, and stop seeing her..LOL
heard

Heard, I feel the exact same way, did want nor did I intend on anyone being hurt, couldnt face the aftermath as well, and I would rather live in denial than hurt someone I love, I think thats what my biggest problem was/is. Before I knew it, I was in over my head with the OW, in Love, and couldnt stand to hurt her, I was in a bind, a bad place. I felt a sense of mommitment to the OW, although I never promised her anything, I m sure I implied a lot. and when I didnt follow through it killed me.

If you had stayed with her longer, you would have eventually promised her everything. I had promises of marriage and forever. Lots of lies, which are the worst to accept. His breaking it off doesn't hurt nearly as much as his promises and lies about talking to an attorney, etc. It happens a lot. Things just keep escalating and they get out of hand, just as you have described.
I haven't told my husband anything and I don't ever intend to. It is over so he should never know. If for some reason it does come out, I suppose I will answer his questions and let him decide if he can forgive me or not.
This site has done wonders for me. It will continue to help you too.

Hi sublime
I too was in a relationship for 2 yrs. we talked about a future together felt we found our soul mates in each other. We are both M and have kids. We never wanted to hurt anyone or destroy lives. We've kept it a secret.

I too have done tons of research, like you, and we have broken it off so many times but are always drawn back to each other. But in the long run it hurts too much. I cant take the guilt of being deceitful anymore and i cant handle the jealousy and sadness i feel of being in a relationship w a MM.

We went NC (no contact) for about 4 months - the longest ever. It killed me. I thought about and still do everyday day. I finally broke down and replied to his numerous attempts at reaching out to me on New Years and we've been in sporadic contact last few wks until last wed. Things got heated up again. Nothing had chAnged in our family lives and i told him i cant go down this road again. It's killing me.

He's since txted me a few times but I've ignored. It's killing me. I feel like we're both hurting. I always said to him in another life, we'd be together.

My H knows nothing of the A and i dont plan on telling him. You are very lucky to have a W who knows and has given you another chance. Are you and your W in MC? My H and i are in MC for pre A issues. Things are getting much better. We had poor communication.

This site has helped me a lot. Stick around. You're not alone.

We went to MC before the first time the A was discovered, I was going basically to say I went,not really trying. I was trying to make my W end the marriage so I wouldnt have to. My excuse was "Im just not happy" and could not elaborate, only could come up with little things that could be fixed, if i tried. Thsi went on for about two months, then DD. I called my MC and she said she knew there was another OW. But wanted me to be the one to admit it. So we went a few more times and things were, ok. And i was able to ignore all the messages from the OW, even though I wanted to reply, so bad, I didnt for 66 days, then I gave in. And it started again, same stuff all over again, same words, same promises, then DD #2. Again, I chose my W over the OW, basically out of panic, but then asked for a divorce, then really did some soul searching, and decided to make it work with my W. But the urge is still there, NC for only a week, I have a long road ahead of me. Our 2 year is coming up (OW and mine) that will be hard, it will take everything I have to resist the urge to call. I may be on here a lot on that date. Feb 11. So if anyone remembers, send me some words of encouragement.

Another issue, the OW lives really close, I mean 1.1 miles away, so the odds of running into her are extreme. cant move, but I look around constantly hoping to see her, but at the same time, hoping not to.

I would like to think Im a pretty tough individual, authorative, can think fast on my feet, make logical decisions, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am a push over. Crazy really.

My OM lives pretty far away so I don't have a lot of chances to see him. HoweverI work in his area. His living far away made it hard for us to get together too so we used to take off work and spend the day together. He actually worked out of the same place as me, but he transferred right before we ended so that ended up a blessing.

We will be here for you on your 2 year and every day in between.

We live very close as well a few blocks away. Our kids go to the same school. I feel the same way. I do, and at the same time dont want to see him/ run into him.

It's hard to move on when you're living so close.

We'll be here for you.

Hi Sublime,
I am glad that this forum is helping you. Meeting people here has helped me immensely, because until I found this group, there was no one to talk to.

I relate to a lot of what you say in the first post. For me (married woman seeing a single man), my marriage "makes sense"- there is stability and security there. It all looks good on paper and my husband is a good man.

Frankly, on most days, I cannot even think of one way in which my relationship with my OM benefits me. It causes me a huge amount of stress. I don't like cheating! I don't think any of us who are in active relationships do.

But for some inexplainable reason, I just cannot seem to walk away from my OM. He gives me every reason to as well...but then he won't let me go.

Well good for you...I hope that you and your W can rekindle and rebuild. Sending support!

Prob not a popular response, but life is too damn short. Sounds as if you feel obligated to your W and not in love. All that "stuff" can be replaced. What's are we living for anyway? Short rough period of adjustment and then, pow, happiness. Go for it.