I meant to also state she was my best friend. We told each other everything. Not only did I lose the affair, but I lost my best friend and feels like my world.

I am attempting to find a therapist to help with all of this.

I am sure no one is reading this at this point. But I think its semi therapeutic for me and who knows maybe I help someone in the future.

I met with my therapist yesterday. It was weird and awkward to openly admit to someone else that I am a serial cheater and was having an emotional affair.

he asked what I wanted from all of this. I told him, I wanted to know the why's. Why did I cheat? Why does leaving this woman hurt so much? Why am i making destructive behavior's? Then we could move on to the how's. How do we stop this in the future?

One thing he said was the reason I was in so much pain is that I've literally gone through or going through a break up. I pressed him why others have never effected me in the past like this one. he said maybe this is the first woman i actually ever cared about. He said this is a true pain and it will take time.

The issue is that everything reminds me of her. i have tried to avoid songs on the radio as everything has a line that reminds me of her smile or riding along next to me. I get this isn't healthy but time is not my friend right now.

I had to tell her that we need to stop talking. Not because i want too, because its not fair to her or me. She is fixing things with her husband. She deserves happiness.

We also talked about why I cheat or cheated. He believes i have a dopamine deficiency.

I don't know how much longer I will see him, I didn't get the warm and fuzzies talking to him. I am giving him one more session and then i might find a new one.

I know this isn't helpful, but as this is my first real breakup where something is affecting me, I just want to scream how much I love her. When i talked to her to tell her we needed the break that was painful.

I know I will come out of this a better person (long long long term). I know right now I am a piece of shit its not lost on me. But I am taking steps to be a better person.

Right now all i want to say is Let's run away lets date lets find out if what we had was real. That's not smart or sensible. I get that but man for being wrong right now it feels so right.

I’m new to this group and read what you wrote. Seems a lot like what I’m feeling. I cheated last week on my girlfriend and I admitted it to everyone. I’m feeling ashamed and embarrassed about it all.

Seeing your post about seeking therapy helps me see that I can get the help I need.

I will be seeing a counselor, a psychotherapist, confessing to my priest, and doing more of what can make me whole again.

I hurt someone I loved and ruined everything I had. This is going to take a long time and a lot of effort but I need to be better

RC1010,

I think your a better person than me. I never told my wife. I didn't feel the need to hurt her. If I decide to leave then I will confess. However, there is no good information to turn too, so i immersed myself in this world.

I recommend a podcast called your secret is safe with me by marie murphy. She has a great website as well.

My biggest problem is I am still madly in love with my affair partner. She probably doesn't know how much I truly cared for her. I don't know that I knew. Its painful. I posted that 5 days ago and its gotten slightly better.

I stopped throwing up. But still hard to eat. I am now down about 20lbs in two weeks. But again, I did all this so I feel i need to own the pain.

I am at least here to listen and read your story. Its all fresh, new and painful. I get it. Best of luck!!!

If anyone has any podcasts or reads on how to deal with cheating or even a breakup. I am struggling to not unblock her on everything and start messaging her. I know that would be bad idea, but I miss talking to her.

You can email me at brokenman579@gmail.com.

Met with the therapist again today.

The dopamine rush came up again. However, something interesting came out of this session. He believes i have intimacy and vulnerability issues. He said since I was always open and honest with the affair partner that he said I truly did love her.

He reiterated that this does hurt as this is the first person Ive lost that I have loved so hard. It will take time to heal a broken heart. I told him, I felt kind of like a bitch for having these feelings of heartbreak. - He told me this is my male ego and to stop those feelings. He said you do need to feel this.

We also talked about affairs being good or bad. He said some are good and some are bad. He said mine was good in that i got to understand real love. He said it was bad as I cheated.

We also agreed not to tell the wife about the affair unless I decide to leave her. We agreed it will take some time to sort out if I want to stay or go and will work on the vulnerability and intimacy issues I have in the meantime.

A side note for the next part. I never fully understood if she loved me or not. He said the fact that she was risking to still talk to you via a work email was in fact her way of saying she did care about you as much. I found great comfort in that for some reason.

I did always wonder was it just love on my end or did she love me too.

Next session is a week from now. I will continue to post if something happens between now and then or will answer if anyone needs any help.

For anyone reading this thank you and hopefully I can help you get through this.

I had a very vivid dream last night. The dream was a song played on loop. Rewrite the stars from the movie the greatest showman.

These are the lyrics that stick out.

You know I want you
It's not a secret I try to hide
I know you want me
So don't keep sayin' our hands are tied
You claim it's not in the cards
And fate is pullin' you miles away
And out of reach from me
But you're here in my heart
So who can stop me if I decide
That you're my destiny?

What if we rewrite the stars?
Say you were made to be mine
Nothing could keep us apart
You'd be the one I was meant to find
It's up to you, and it's up to me
No one can say what we get to be
So why don't we rewrite the stars?
Maybe the world could be ours
Tonight

What does it mean? (Probably - It's just a catchy toon from a successful movie). Does it mean I should fight for her? I don't know.

I too cheated on my wife and dealt with conflicting emotions. But my question to you is, Do you want to stay with your wife?

That is what I'm trying to figure out. I'm seeing counseling to help figure that out. Today that answer is no. But I am also self aware enough to know I am hurting and shouldn't make any irrational decisions.

Don't worry, you are not alone. I do not have time to comment right now but I will make an effort to come back. This group has gotten really quiet in the past year or so (both good and bad with that!) But, you need some support and that is why we are here. And what I could skim from your story, I have a lot to empathize with. Hang in there, and I hope to catch up soon. But it will likely be another few days. Just know that you are not alone. Many of us really fell in love with our best friends. It is really hard figuring this out.

Thank you alwyslve for the reply and I look forward to your story.

I have read, listened and consumed as much content for heartbreak and cheating as I could.

Its been about two weeks now and I am in much better place. I have kind of accepted the fact that she won't chose me. But I have done some serious deep soul searching (and more to do). I have learned a TON about myself.

I am sad I convinced her to move away. That was a self sabotaging move on my part. I am also sad I didn't realize how strong my feelings for her were until it was too late. But this is life. The pit in the stomach shrinks with each day.

It is taking every bit of strength to not unblock her on everything and scream and tell her I love you. I am the one you should be with. However, this isn't a movie and that never works out well. I am aware enough we both need time to sort out these feelings. I guess I might have greater comfort to know that she is also struggling with everything as well. Or to know how she truly feels about me. Alas I am left to wonder as part of the burden to bare.

She reached out today. I was giddy with excitement. It was nervous butterflies. However, it was literally 2 minutes after stepping away from my computer. She said she didn't know if she should reach out. I responded, "so many things to say here. I am not sure where to start. Would love a chance to talk!". That is all.

She said she cared and she was thinking about me a lot. This kind of put me at ease as if we are both grieving each others loss.

I've confided in some trust worthy people. They all say the same thing, if you love this woman go after her. Tell her. I don't know if that's the answer. I don't know that I could take the rejection. Also, its all so new.

But I do know my day did get a lot better post seeing her message.

Take it from a veteran, her reaching out to you will only set you back & you will keep experiencing that punched in the gut feeling every time it ends again and again and again. Same thing happened to me. After a couple of weeks my xAP reached out to me, telling me how he missed me & wanted me back so badly. It's not going to happen.......ever. Remember, she has a child now & her first priority is that child's well being.

I'm not going to tell you this won't work out bc at this point in the A you won't believe me. I remember feeling as you do.....making all kinds of plans to be with this person with love being the only reason (all you need is love, right?) & you will love her child as your own, right?........WRONG! That child ensures her H will be in the picture the rest of your life. I wish I could take away your pain that's yet to come but unfortunately you have to go through that pain to get to the other end.

Please don't listen to your co-workers. If you BOTH feel the same way, then deal with your marriages first.....save them or end them BEFORE you continue down this most likely destructive path. Hugs.....

Clovermoon,

I know your right. This ends badly for me. I know this. I see this. I should walk away. But I can't. Not yet. This woman is my best friend. I agree that her husband will always be in our lives if we end up together. Just like my wife will be in hers.

I also agree before her and I could be together we have to try to sort through feelings and need/takes time. We both know this.

I know how this ends. Yet, I am still stupid enough to continue. Love is a funny thing. And it makes you do funny things.