The ladies are right.. you have to tell her it bothers the shit out of you - - unless it really doesn't, at which point you need to proceed towards the D (I think).

You guys might all be right...I'm going to put a lot of thought into it. Right now, I'm just not at the point of being angry about this. Maybe that's partly because of the open relationship background...I've never been possessive/controlling about who my W hangs out with and what she does. The whole idea of the open relationship was to make that a non-issue. So it's been my thought process for a while to not worry about things like this. It's kind of hard, I guess, to flip a switch and say, "Ok, now I'm pissed."

But I also understand that the context has changed. Whereas she trusted me before and was committed to me, now that is obviously strained. There is a real possibility that she decides D is best for her. So, that makes this OM different than OMs in the past. Do I feel threatened though? I dunno...I'm just trying to enjoy each day and work toward R. What more can I do than that?

Mike, this is not about you being angry or possessive or flipping a switch as you say. You do not have to be angry or possessive to see that allowing your W to date is a bad thing for the marriage. You do not have to be angry or possessive to ask your W to cease contact with the OM. You only have to care.

What happened is in your marriage is that the whole open marriage thing (that was a non-issue) turned into a BIG issue, a potential dealbreaker, it damaged your marriage and the hearts of both you and your wife. Do you think that continuing this mindset will make things better?

You are right--the open marriage thing created trust issues. Do you think that the trust issues are better resolved with an OM in the mix? That is the real question. You might want to ask your W if she believes that the OM being in the mix will help her trust you, and why if she does.

I would feel threatened if I were you. Very threatened. She is going to spill her guts about the pain/trouble she is experiencing to the OM, and he is going to capitalize on what she tells him to get what he wants. More damage. I have seen this time and time again. It is almost textbook.

Sarah, I don't think continuing this mindset will necessarily make things better OR worse. It just seems to me that it's my W's way of dealing with her pain. Don't know if it's healthy or not. But could/should I really put my foot down here? Won't me saying "Don't see him!" possibly cause more harm and just be hypocritical of me? I guess I'd rather find a more tactful way to discuss this, w/o me seeming like a victim here (which I am not)

I agree--this is your W's way of dulling her pain, though extremely unhealthy, as it is avoidance of the real issues. This is the way people often deal with things when they are hurt or their needs are not being met--they find another person to distract them and to (seemingly) validate them. Much of the time doing such a thing blows up in their face, as there are people out in the world who take advantage of others who are vulnerable. IMHO, your W is putting herself in a position to just create more pain, more pain for everyone involved. Have you talked to your MC about all this?

Perhaps you should frame it differently than "putting your foot down". Perhaps you should have a heart to heart talk with her, tell her you love her, that you want the marriage and that having this other guy in the mix is not going to help things--that you feel that it is causing further damage to the marriage. Two wrongs don't make a right. Tell her that it is hurtful knowing that she is with someone else. Ask her if she wants to work on the marriage. Tell her you know that she is vulnerable and that having this guy in her life to talk to about the problems in the marriage might seem to be helping, but it is masking the real problem and distracting her from your marriage. Ask her if she is willing to give the OM up in order to save the marriage.

I do not think you would be being hypocritical by asking her to not see him. Seems like you said in an earlier post that you two had agreed to stop the Open Marriage thing because of the problems it created. Is that not true? Is not her dating the exact thing like this being an open marriage? Is history going to repeat itself here?

I cannot imagine why she would view you as a victim. If anyone was a victim, she was, IMHO. You, instead, made a big mistake and as a result, are now having to repair a lot of damage that was done, and her seeing this OM is not allowing you to do that (it is creating more damage). The marriage is the victim, not you. All you can do is to be a sincere, remorseful guy who loves his wife and is willing to fight for the marriage. If I were in your shoes, I would do everything in my power to make her feel like you cherish and love her. You two belong together, at least for now--that is what marriage is--it is not possessive to think that way.

When my boyfriend cheated on me, he confessed to the A, but had a date with the woman the afternoon after he confessed (which he was late for since we were talking). We sat in my car that day in my driveway before his date and I simply gave him a choice--either tell the OW that he could never see her again, and go NC or stick with her and if he made that choice, I would walk into my house and he would never see me again. He went immediately to her house and broke things off and went NC with her. Sometimes you have to force an issue. It would be better to know now rather than later when you stand with your W. As painful as that might be, the earlier you know, the earlier the healing process can begin. It takes two to make a marriage work.

I guess you have figured out that I think you should put your foot down. But do it in a nice way.

Sarah - I always enjoy your perspective (being on the other end of the coin than me), your thoughtfulness and your consideration. Thank you.

I guess I feel comfortable saying I don't love the idea of OM being around, but stop short of putting a foot down. I think I need to say that I will continue to work my hardest at the M, and I hope she does the same...whether OM is around or not. We shouldn't string each other along. And no, we haven't yet talked about the OM in MC...it is brand new. We did talk about my W *wanting* to maybe see people during this time, but it was just an idea then.

Sarah, may I ask ... After your BF's A, what happened? Did you stay together? Split? Get married? How are things these days?

Hi Mike--thanks for the friend request--we are now officially friends. :-)

I would probably be scheduling an emergency session with the MC if I were in your shoes. I know how quickly your W could move into a PA because of her vulnerability. This happens a lot. About the only way that things won't go down that road is if the OM is an honest, ethical man, and IMHO that is doubtful if he is willing to fool around with a married woman. Don't think for a minute that he won't be out for sex--and your W is fragile right now. NOT a good combination!

My boyfriend and I are still together (DDay was May 2014), things are better than ever, though it did take some time to work through things (and it was a painful road), and the subject of the A still comes up in conversation sometimes, though it is not a painful subject now like it once was. It was easy to fix the communication problem that was a major issue in our relationship at the time of the A,but I remember how long it took me to start feeling better (and all the ups and downs), and your W is nowhere near that time point. Had I taken your W's attitude, starting seeing someone else early on when we were trying to rebuild, I think it would have been over between my boyfriend and me. If I had done that, I think I would have been sending a clear message to my boyfriend that I was no longer wanting to work on the relationship. It would have destroyed our trust in each other because it would have created distance between us. We needed to stick together and stick it out together to make it work. He probably would have also gone elsewhere looking for love. However, you are in a marriage and that is a bit different--more commitment (or at least there should be).That is why I keep harping on patience.

My boyfriend and I are discussing marriage, he has proposed, but we have some logistical problems to overcome (careers and WAY too many dogs and the need for a house that will house everybody safely) that we are working on. Our lives outside of the relationship are a bit complicated and that affects us being able to plan a wedding right now. I believe that after what happened, he learned a huge lesson about cheating. He is much less likely to cheat again than he was the first time--he saw firsthand how not jumping in without considering the whole picture could have very serious ramifications. He, like your W very well may do, spilled his guts to the OW about our relationship, and she used that information to say and do exactly what would reel him in. She was very physically aggressive and he was in over his head before he know what happened to him. The only thing that saved him, is that he started seeing red flags early, so when I gave him the ultimatum, he had no trouble making the decision to end things with her. I believe that she is a sociopath. Very scary woman.

My first post on the Infidelity forum--http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Infidelity/forum/19471967-vengeace-ow

Similar to your situation, the "green light" was that early on in our relationship, he thought he needed to date other women platonically and I agreed to that (NEVER again--this is why I keep telling you what I am telling you). Platonic dating is not even close to what he ended up doing. I fear that the same thing will happen to you that happened to me. :-( And I get the feeling that you don't want that to happen...

Something similar happened with another boyfriend I had--he started talking on the phone to a woman that he had been volunteering with at a dog rescue group. He has many friends, he told me about it. She had an alcoholic boyfriend, and one of his exes was an alcoholic, so he was trying to help her. He told me about it, it was no secret. Well, guess what? She used sex to take him away from me, luring him to her place one night and seducing him. Of course, he could have said no, but some people are not that strong, and he was one of those. My relationship with him ended badly, to say the least.

Of course, after she eventually ditched him, he had "regrets" about how he had treated me and talked of getting back together----I bet you can figure out what my answer was to that!

Sarah - Thanks for sharing all of that. I really appreciate it. It gives me perspective (and hope) that many others, you and your BF included, have gone through similar situations. It doesn't absolve me from responsibility, but I'm finding myself saying, "This is a real human struggle. I failed once, but I can learn and grow."

What gives me less hope is that my W is saying she doesn't think things will work out. Were you saying that in the first few months? Maybe you were... I'm just stuck with the feeling that her mind is made up, and though she is really making an effort (by going on dates with me, going to MC), it's hard to imagine her changing her mind--it's not something she's known for, good or bad. I get taking things day by day, but it is really difficult that even if I do everything "right" in the coming weeks and months, it might not be good enough. Sigh...guess that's a part of life, that your best isn't always good enough...

I never told my boyfriend that I thought we would not work out post A, but I feel that is because things went quite differently for my boyfriend and I than it did with you. What I mean is, he confessed to the A, I gave him the ultimatum right then, and he cut off contact with the OW, went NC (really did) and we started working hard at rebuilding. He was exceptionally patient and kind (not to say that you aren't). I would like to add, though, that if I had started seeing someone else in the middle of the mix, to distract me from my pain, that things very well could have taken a very different turn, and I would have let a really good man go, and most likely regretted it later. A third party would have confused things and definitely would have clouded my judgment. A third party would have also prolonged the healing process, as it would have been an escape from dealing with the problems and recovering. A third party might very well have sent my boyfriend looking for a fourth party! NOT the road to healing!!!

The big difference here is that in your situation, post the open-marriage-physical-intimacy part and after your W knew about that, that you continued to deceive her by keeping in contact with the OW. That difference is huge, and if I were in your W's shoes, it would make healing and trusting again much more difficult. But what you have going for you that we didn't is that you are married. You two made a commitment to each other. Yes, you got off track, but the fact that you made that commitment should hold some value to your W.

Perhaps you need to ask your W directly if her mind is made up, and if she thinks that the grass very well may be greener on the other side of the fence. I know that is a scary question to ask, but better now than later.

Very scary question, yes. I don't feel her mind is made up, just leaning a certain way right now. Last night, we did talk about the OM some, and I did say I didn't love the idea but also wasn't going to make any kind of ultimatum. It seemed like she respected where I was coming from.

At this point, I think I'm just going to have deal with this...all of this. I ultimately triggered all of this.

Did you tell her that you don't think having the OM in the mix is helping you two grow closer and rebuild? Did you ask her if she had been confiding in him about your marital problems?

If she has, red flag--