Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
The subject of this post might make it seem like things are coming together, but I'm in fact wondering how to "figure things out."
D-Day was 4/30 (I'm the CS). W and I have been living separate since 7/1. We're attempting to reconcile by going to MC, plus going on dates about once per week and texting each other. Here's the full backstory, if you want it: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287).)
The last few months have been up and down, as I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with, but we've had some good conversations, IMO. However, my W has said on several occasions that while she will give reconciliation an honest effort, she's very unsure of things ever working out. And she's usually the type of person who makes a decision and sticks with it.
Last night, she told me she has recently started seeing someone casually. I'm OK with this...she told me a few weeks ago this is something she might want to do, and seeing as I hurt her badly, I feel like whatever she needs to do to heal is fair.
That being said, I feel like with this news, plus the way she's talked about reconciliation seeming unlikely, I'm starting to see the writing on the wall. And I've been mentally trying to come to terms with the fact that a D might be in my future.
The "figuring it out" part of things is this: As I've been thinking about the possibility of D, part of me feels A-OK with it. But maybe that's just a coping mechanism? Or maybe I'm scared of the work needed to fully reconcile (i.e. talking with her parents someday about all of this) and I'm looking for an "easy" way out?
Another part of me feels dread when thinking about a possible D. But maybe that is just my guilt/shame over "failing" at something? Or maybe I'm scared of the unknown, when I've been with her for so long?
I guess I'd like to hear about how others waded through these conflicting thoughts and figured out what they truly, honestly wanted. How did you "figure it out?"
D-Day was 4/30 (I'm the CS). W and I have been living separate since 7/1. We're attempting to reconcile by going to MC, plus going on dates about once per week and texting each other. Here's the full backstory, if you want it: http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/cheatersanonymous/discussions/messages/20693287).)
The last few months have been up and down, as I'm sure a lot of you are familiar with, but we've had some good conversations, IMO. However, my W has said on several occasions that while she will give reconciliation an honest effort, she's very unsure of things ever working out. And she's usually the type of person who makes a decision and sticks with it.
Last night, she told me she has recently started seeing someone casually. I'm OK with this...she told me a few weeks ago this is something she might want to do, and seeing as I hurt her badly, I feel like whatever she needs to do to heal is fair.
That being said, I feel like with this news, plus the way she's talked about reconciliation seeming unlikely, I'm starting to see the writing on the wall. And I've been mentally trying to come to terms with the fact that a D might be in my future.
The "figuring it out" part of things is this: As I've been thinking about the possibility of D, part of me feels A-OK with it. But maybe that's just a coping mechanism? Or maybe I'm scared of the work needed to fully reconcile (i.e. talking with her parents someday about all of this) and I'm looking for an "easy" way out?
Another part of me feels dread when thinking about a possible D. But maybe that is just my guilt/shame over "failing" at something? Or maybe I'm scared of the unknown, when I've been with her for so long?
I guess I'd like to hear about how others waded through these conflicting thoughts and figured out what they truly, honestly wanted. How did you "figure it out?"
You guys just have not had enough time to thoroughly explore the possibility of healing from this and do the necessary work on your marriage. Now there is a third party involved--what's with that? I would never have agreed to that. This is almost like agreeing to the Open Marriage thing--after all, you are still married! I do not have to remind you what that agreement got you. I think that your marriage very well might be on the path of destruction unless you two concentrate on each other--exclusively.
The impatience that seems to be present will do nothing but contribute to the destruction of your marriage. BOTH of you need to take your time.
Have you both considered a full separation with no dating each other? Both see other people and live independent single lives while perusing ic to help understand whet you want in a relationship and in life.
Im not sure if my suggestion makes sense but it's all I've got.
What is (very) likely to happen is that, because of the hurts she is experiencing in the marriage, your W will begin opening up emotionally to her "casual" dating friend, thereby creating an EA, which will very easily move into a PA. This is exactly how things get out of hand in many cases, and turn into cheating.
Then where are you?
Back to Square One (or worse).
Because my brain is simultaneously saying I want to stay with her AND I was to split. But I'm not sure if either of these thoughts are coming from the right place: Would I be staying to avoid the stigma of divorce, or do I really love her? Am I thinking I want a D simply because the work of reconciliation seems so hard, or do I really want to be single again?
This is where my head is at (confused) and I imagine others here have wrestled with similar thoughts. How did you find answers?
Your W, if she has not already, will eventually start sharing her personal life (i.e. things about your marriage) with this casual other man (OM), and once that happens, get ready for an EA, or worse. The OM may very well use what information she gives him as a blueprint to find her weak spots in order to say and do just the right things to reel her in. This is a very common thing that happens frequently. It will destroy your marriage. Who she should be sharing things with is you, not him.
You need to decide what you want, then go for it, and work hard at it. Until.
I guess what I'm saying is I want to be more positive than negative in how I approach it. Rather than trying to tell her what she "can't" or "shouldn't" do, I want to express that I understand that she needs to do what is best for her right now...but that doesn't mean it doesn't bug me just a little, and that I will use that agitation to fight for her harder, to be the best self I can be.
I understand you not wanting to tell her what to do, but remember that you are married. As long as you are married, there should be accountability to each other and mutually made decisions. You guys should not be dating others until you are divorced. For one thing, it is not fair to anyone, not you, not your W (who could very well fall into a dopamine-induced trap), and not the OM, since your W is not free. These are things to remember that are important to saving your marriage. And also, in the future--no dating others, no Open Marriage. Like I said before, look what that mindset got you already. You allowing her to date is more of that same mindset. Can you see that?
If this is to work, you guys need to learn ways to make your marriage exciting and fun without introducing others into the mix just to create desire for one another. Perhaps your MC can help with this.