What I mean is, if I am a married person having an affair, how is the fact that my AP is someone willing to have an affair with a married person going to register as a negative character trait to me? It would not, because we are the same. People sometimes use that as an argument (Would you want to be with someone who could cheat with a married person anyway?) but it's sort of nonsensical in this context.

And what I mean is that just because two married people find each other, connect, and maybe fall in love doesn't mean they lack character or are flawed.

And it certainly doesn't mean they are on the hunt for other married people because 'they lack boundaries'.

I agree with that. I think it progresses to an affair when boundaries are not in place (e.g. against certain contact or communication with people of our desired sex without being transparent to a spouse about it), but that doesn't mean anyone sets out to have an affair. Most of us were probably caught off guard when we first really sparked with someone else and crossed the line because we didn't think we could.

Shoretime, i wasnt making inferences about this other woman s character, i was straight up telling him part of her character is dishonest. i was agreeing with abetterman that yes he is infatuated, he actually literally wrote he is infatuated and is addicted. i was definitely not saying she is not special to him, he says she is, im not going to not believe him. she definitely lacks boundaries. she is pursuing a relationship with a married man. she does not respe t the fact that this man is off the available list. if she were married to him, do you think she would like a woman with 0 boundaries to pursue him? mmmm, let me think. probably not.
I agree with you shoretime now, she may be confused and suffering herself, even if that is so, it doesnt change her dishonest character nor lack of boundaries.
on the other hand you could also say she is having the time of her life with all the attention, fun and thrills she has gotten out of this affair.

Being in love is "a feeling"
the dictionary definition of character is "the mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual".
honest people can feel being in love.
dishonest people can feel being in love.
every human being on this earth is flawed.
having a dishonest character is a trait a person has, it is part of the values that person embraces as part of them. it has nothing to do with feeling love, a feeling is just that, a feeling.
if two people rob a bank together, one feels bad about it, the other one feels good about it. both robbers have a dishonest character trait because they both chose to rob a bank, REGARDLESS how each feels about it.

Sigh.

^^ YES!!!

lacking boundaries is also not a feeling.
lacking boundaries is also a character trait that is embraced by a person as part of the values they live by.
boundaries are limits a person sets for him/herself over what is acceptable to them. a person who does not respect the boundaries of other people, (ie. say pursues or accepts a relationship with a married person), is generally someone who lacks personal boundaries for himself/herself as well as for other people.

Chip, what's your story? Are you a BS? Perhaps you've told it before and I missed it. It doesn't seem to me you have much empathy, so I'm not sure why you're here on this board. Perhaps the Infidelity board is the one you mean to be contributing to.

whatamithinking hi. yes I am a bs. i am not here to bash people, but try to help abetterman maintain no contact, that is the purpose of why he started his thread. i do acknowledge that OW and OM have feelings, and that they are real. I am not going around name calling OW or OM as some OW s are doing with the wives of the men they are cheating with. I have literally read some OW refer to the wives as stupid, or not bitches. For the life of me, I cannot think why a woman would ever want to use that word to describe or not describe another woman, as the term bitch is demeaning. so who is it really lacking in empathy on these posts? the minute a person dishes out some actual logic they get thrown into the infidelity board? if OW wish to talk about thei endless romantic feelings and soulmate love affairs, thats great!! i think they have as much right as i do in expressing their feelings. Just because i choose to have a different point of view does not mean i lack empathy. It does not mean i think they have no feelings, nor that i know anything about how they got to the place of OW. i am sure their stories all carry some pain, i am not trying to diminish them in any way, nor their pain. I just hope some day, the OW s and OM s will be able to get to a place where they step out of their own feelings and are actually able to place themselves in the shoes or the wife or husband whose life they are so willingly destroying.

Wanting someone else is wrong and hard to deal with. There is no way that it can work, I know that. I am going no contact. My EA knows and understands that. We don't want to but we know it is best. I have asked her to not contact me and she won't. She has always been respectful. I have always been the one to break NC. I understand that I have a life I chose and I will keep to that word. Regardless it is still hard...... I can't help but feel a strong sense of loss letting go of someone forever.......

Shoreline and GravingGirl.........thanks for understanding what I am talking about.

abetterman, good decision. try to self reflect on the kind of person you wish to be going forward. obviously you yourself have things within yourself you need to figure out. do you want to be an honest person within yourself, is honesty something you value? do you want to live a transparent life? to have gotten involved in an emotional affair yourself, what is it within you that led you to get where you are? trust me when i say that it has nothing to do with your wife or the other woman. but it is a struggle within yourself. try to figure out what led you where you are at. learn to make youself happy from within. it starts with being kind to others, not taking people who love you for granted, treasuring waking up your child in the morning, serving him or her breakfast. learn to love yourself from within, live a transparent honest and authentic life, free from lies, deceit and full of love. best of luck on maintaining no contact and keeping your priorities straight