Chipmonk4 I have always loved that way. Everything was very black and white and I never had any trouble keeping my distance from trouble. It may sound corny but we were drawn to each. Yes she does hate herself for wanting to be with me but we both just want the next taste....the next talk..... stupid but true. Yes, no contact is best......it's just hard. It never was before, but it is now.

I have always *lived* that way, not loved.

This is also the first time I have ever had to exclude someone from my life that I don't feel like excluding.

Abetterman, understand that infatuation is a different than love. What then, assuming you continue this, emotional cheating, it is still cheating. If your mind is elsewhere, it is clearly not in your marriage. If you feel that strongly about pursuing your next adrenaline hit, then do the decent thing by your wife and tell her you wish to divorce and be free to pursue someone else. If you continue this emotional affair and transcend it into a physical affair, you will be to deep in the fog to be able to tell what is real and what is not. Not only that, you will be causing yourself irreparable harm. I have a close friend dude who is a recovering cheater. He lives his life in torment, his wife doesn't know, the price I see him pay every single day of his life is way too high. He has been through the entitled infatuation stage, the I did it because I could, demonizing the wife, through the stage where he realized he made the biggest mistake of his life and has a ptsd type of reaction every time he even begins to discuss the affair partner. Know that the fantasy of her never ever ever matches reality. You need to start working on getting a support group that will help you in not ever contacting this other woman again. explain to her that you want no contact because you love your wife and children. it is all your choice, just remember, to every action there is a reaction.

I appreciate your direct approach. I know it is infatuation and I am fighting it off as best I can. I am almost more in denial that I have this need, like a drug addict. I thought my only addiction was buying outdoor gear.
I very much appreciate your input, everyone. I don't normally seek help.......but that is why I am here.

I thought my A was infatuation also......until much later and I realized it was love.
It actually helped me heal a little to acknowledge it was love.
I've had multiple relationships in my lifetime, some have been completely erased from my mind, some a bad memory, some pop in my mind every so often and I think, "Oh yeah...him"....it was when I just couldn't shake this one that someone on here said, "Its because you loved him...." and it all came together. Didn't make the relationship right, didn't make it healthy, but all came together.
And you are absolutely right, it does become exactly like an addiction.
Sometimes I try not to fight my thoughts or my memories or my sadness, I just go with it when the waves hit, acknowledge it, and write it out (better than real contact).......like now and that will help for awhile.

abetterman, the key here is infatuation. It is an addiction, the more you mentally invest in the fantasy, the more mentally invested you become. You need to ask yourself what is it about yourself from within that is allowing you to give so much mental power away to the fantasy of a complete stranger? in general, a person who cheats, it is because that person is not happy from within, they seek happiness outside of them, without realizing that no other human being in the world will be able to quench that empty hole they feel from within. happiness is a personal choice, it starts from within yourself. the grass is green where you water it. try to see how your mental escapades and obsession are affecting your family, how you interact with them, how you love them. before you know it, your current grass may turn dry. Get your priorities straight.

If you knew me you would know that I am a strong willed confident man. I have a strong marriage. Before my marriage I didn't put false titles on my relationships. I never felt overwhelmed or uncontrolled by desire, until I met my wife, and I waited longer than most to get married. I have met a lot of people and have a lot of friends. Even so this woman has struck me the same way my wife did. I am not sentimental.....I don't hold trinkets and grasp onto the past. Taking a moment for what it is and walking away has always been my strong suite. Yet this woman has captured my attention. It is not a mere infatuation, but it would be ridiculous to call it love. I understand the chemicals involved and those are the same chemicals that establish what we call love. You say I don't know her......well I would disagree. I know her very well. Right now she is starting her day at work. Feeling overwhelmed by emails. But that isn't what you mean. You think I don't know who she is. Well that is the problem, I do. That's why I was attracted to her. I know what she is doing right now, how she feels, and that a text from me would make her feel better even if to make her feel guilty as well. It may sound naieve, I know, but I am not a naieve person.

I consider myself good at reading people, it's what I do. It is my way of getting control of the room, or a relationship. With that I have had many relationships in my life and I have only considered one to be love. When you spend a short time with someone, only hug to say goodbye, and physically miss them when you leave......what would you call that? Remeber, I am not sentimental but I have to recognize things for what they are.

Sometimes you connect with a person and that connection is so strong you spend the rest of your life with them. Your college sweetheart who becomes your spouse. What if I met two of those women......just at different times? It doesn't make it right, but it also doesn't mean it didn't happen.

You have a point in making connections with different people. what separates you from being a person who is not a narcissist and wishes to not cause harm to others is what you actually choose to do with those connections. soulmates are not found, but made. they are those persons that want to be there at your best and at your worst. through children, etc. do you know what endless coutship is? its when you get snippets of a part of a person and they are always happy, perfect, and in general without problems.
you say you are great at reading people, ok. maybe you are. then you will note this other woman is actively pursuing a connection knowing you are a married man with kids. what does that tell you about her character? well, at least you must note that, she could be telling you she hates herself all she wants, or that she is queen sheeba, yet, her actions are what show who she is. although the huuuge guilt she must be feeling over pursuing a married man with children, that apparently is really not enough to stop her from pursuing a connection with you. you say you know who she is. really? you know how she reacts when she gets dumped by someone? you know if she is a person who actually feels empathy for pain she causes on others? all you know is what she tells you. for all you know it could be mostly lies, or half truths. wait, but you do know she lacks boundaries. at least with married men, tbere appears to be null boundaries there.
no, you know nothing of the real person she is. it appears you know her schedule well though. you are involved in an emotional affair, you are in the fog but in denial about it. if you wish to continue to pursue this emotional connection with this stranger you swear you know so well, then do so. be fair to both women first. tell your wife you want a divorce because you wish to pursue a connection with someone who has made an impression similar to your wife s, and that you wish to make the fantasy of her a reality. divorce, and then you can continue this strong 2nd connection with this woman you feel in your gut you know. do the right thing by both since you care.

here s food for thought. whats to stop her from making a "connection" with another married man now, or later? you know she s game for it right?. see the lack of boundaries doesnt magically go away because she is with you. you are not special, you are like every other human being out there. the lack of boundaries, is a character flaw. one can choose to improve that and grow as a person, however, probably not while actively pursuing connections with married men with children. the lack of boundaries and dishonest values come with the other woman as a total package, they do not magically disappear.

I absolutely disagree with the above poster. And it sounds bitter.

It IS possible for two people, both married to others to randomly meet, fall in love.
It IS possible for these two people to have a connection like no other. There are just some people that 'get to you'
People can love more than one person at the same time and be torn.
How narrow minded is it to think that any connection we find outside of marriage cannot possibly be genuine and real? How narrow minded it is to think that everyone that falls in love with someone who is married is actively perusing relationships with married men with children. Sometimes it just happens.

I don't think this poster is saying he wants to divorce. I think he made his choice. Unfortunately just because your A ends doesn't mean you can necessarily just shut off feelings. It's hard work and we have all learned that these feelings, this love, can last many many years. Do you know how many times I've layed next to my husband fully wanting to be there and be with him, but silently mourning another man?

It's hard work to navigate through an affair, the most difficult thing I've ever done.

I didn't realize the extent of my love for my AP until after our first A ended, it was real and it was genuine. You may be VERY special to her, she may be feeling the exact same thing.

What you wrote about her was beautiful. It was similar to what my AP would say to me.
Moving forward, it now comes down to choices. The CS's on this board get it, we've been there.

I also have trouble judging someone who has an affair with a married person as clearly immoral and not relationship material when I am also that person. My AP was no worse than me in making that choice.

I think people do bump into others who click with them and might have become healthy relationships if the circumstances were different. In fact, I think the only way to truly affair-proof a relationship is for both partners to recognize the potential for a third party to attract their attention and pre-empt it with strong boundaries and good communication.

Dear Shoretimenow, i think you perhaps must have skimmed through my post, maybe did not read it as thoroughly. My post actually says that:
It is possible for two married people to be able to make other connections to other human beings, even grow strong connected feelings. Say for example, the connection a mother has with a child, or a best friend, or the connection you make with a stranger.
It is definitely possible to love a multitude of persons, love is abundant.
HOWEVER, my post did say, and I quote myself here " what separates you from being a person who is not a narcissist and wishes to not cause harm to others is what you actually choose to do with those connections."
You should always try to be a genuine person with everyone in your life. I am sorry that your husband does not know about you wishing to spend the night with another man when laying with him. It is truly sad to hear that. If I were in that situation, I would probably extricate myself from that relationship as honestly as possible.

I know abetterman is not saying he wants divorce. My personal advice to him was to do the right thing by both women, if he wishes to pursue that connection, at least be fair to the wife. Let her have a choice in HER LIFE, because should at least be given the right to make a choice of whether she wishes to remain married to a person like that, or grow old with such a person.

Dear GravingGirl,
You do not need to judge someone in an affair. It is your choice to think it is not immoral when a person who is legally married to another and having a second relationship with another. If I tell you black is black, and you tell me black is purple, it does not make it true. At least I would say that a person in an affair is not engaging in honest behavior. I agree that it is possible to grow as a person from being a dishonest person, and choosing to be an honest person for life, it is a choice. Also definitely possible for two dishonest persons to get together and decide to be honest together in the future. It requires personal growth. You are right on with the prevention of affairs.

I think you were making inferences on his other woman's character because she was involved with a married man and making inferences that what he was experiencing could only be infatuation as well as making inferences that he was not special to her & she just lacks boundaries. Not true. My point is that she can be as confused and suffering herself.

And my comment was I have spent nights laying next to my husband silently mourning my AP, NOT wishing it was him (AP) laying next to me for the night. My comment was to mean that we frequently suffer in silence.