Well, I'm kind of in the same boat. I am being pursued hard and putting up a good fight, but it's crazy. Nothing seems to matter to her. The fact that she is married, with kids, the fact that I am, the fact that she and my wife are friends, and what a crappy thing that is to do to a friend....none of it matters to her. I've been fortunate in that women have always found me attractive but it's kind of a problem now that I have a family and I am trying to be a decent, respectable guy.

All I can say is keep your mind on the devastation and misery that lies down this road (and make no mistske, that is what lies at the end of this road). Think of the pain it will cause your wife and your children. My children are everything to me. How can I do that to them? And that is what you are doing, hurting your children, make no mistake. However you feel about your wife, think about the children. You are supposed to protect them not bring harm to them.

That's how I've managed to resist so far despite intense pressure from OW. I'm in an A now but it hasn't been consummated. I tell myself what I have done now is forgivable but I realize I could be wrong. But any further I go down this path will only make things worse.

It's hell, this is hell. Turn back while you can.

No matter what side you're on; if you are the needier one or not, any escalation will absolutely, beyond the shadow of a doubt result in torture for you. There is absolutely no other possible outcome; unless you plan to leave your W for someone else.

Even an EA does not (I would almost say especially does not) keep you safe from the emotional carnage that you stand to endure.

I would tell you all day long to walk away from anything resembling this situation, if I didn't know so, so well how strong the pull can be.

If you're going to a place where people are hitting on you, stop. Yoga & exercise classes can be of one gender, and in fact are often better that way as a whole, because the trainer can focus on exercises that favor one set of gender-bound traits over another.

I don't want to be tempted, so I just don't go to places where there is the opposite sex and physical or social energy is flying all around. Something is bound to happen in those environments.

I am not going to a yoga class or working out during busy hours. I workout late but that doesn't seem to help....and I'm never going to ignore someone who wants to talk. I don't think I am putting myself in the wrong places. I have been approached in the grocery store before. As my friend says "You just have the stable middle aged man stink on you". Lol!
But seriously I know a lot of my fault. I am always looking at people, aware of what is happening around me. I smile, but that is me....

Pretty and D, I think I am avoiding calling you dumb. Has some great writings that describe the struggle perfectly.
Here is my story.
Keep in mind I have a wonderful wife and a what I feel is a great marriage.
I have always been an honest faithful man. I have never cheated on anyone. I have always been a flirt but I knew where to stop. A little over two years ago I was on a business trip with 4 other coworkers. We were at a restaurant and had a very attractive server. We talked to her and had a great time, nothing out of the ordinary. A few of my coworkers were single so they wanted to ask her to join us a bar later for drinks. We paid and got ready to leave and nobody had the guts to ask her, so I did. I just said a few of my friends would like to buy you a drink if you would join us at this bar. She responded with a maybe and we left. We moved onto the next bar and I had forgotten about her at this point. I actually saw her approaching our table and didn't notice her and kept looking around. I see my friends faces light up and I turn to see her pulling up a chair next to me. Again no big deal. Nothing I haven't handled before. But after a short time talking to her I was getting draw in. We both were. I was very clear and told her I was married. We walked her to her car and wanted to make sure she was OK to drive. She insisted she was and said she would text us when she got home. One of my friends offered up my number to her and off she went. I got the text she arrived home safe and said goodnight. No biggie right.....
The next day we texted a few times, nothing crazy. I was leaving for home after a few days so she wanted to get a drink together before I left. I thought, OK I can stop this right there, be less than impressive....... I arrive wearing a tshirt and she walks in with a very nice, classy long skirt on. I was impressed but not shaken. I still knew I was there to smother any spark there is. Well after about 10 minutes of talking we looked at each other and got locked in. You know that deep, silent look into each others eyes. She was as surprised as I was and we were speechless for a moment. Whatever just happened and I knew I was in trouble!!
We said our goodbyes and I avoided a kiss at all costs. Still when my flight left the ground I was genuinely sad. As if I was leaving something important there. It has been over two years and we have only seen each other twice. Once narrowly avoiding a PA disaster. Despite that we text often and when we don't we know we are thinking about each other. I avoid contact to lesson the triggers that remind me of her. Even so I am here pining over her. So now here I am finding myself flirting as if to fill the void she has left. I don't know, but I can't seem to stop.

Update: With the help of this forum and some good conversations with a member I have maintained NC for three weeks now. Doesn't seem like much I know but it isn't easy to make it that long. I try to keep busy but I think about her often. At times I just want to book a flight to see her but I know what will happen if I do. I feel guilty I can't focus on my W that way. I wonder if these feelings will ever go away......... I read in another post about a man who was in an ideal life that he didn't want. I am feeling the same way. Maybe that is why I am feeling the need for this EA. Sorry for using this is more of a journal. I guess I should start a journal of my own.

^ it gets easier. I promise! :)

3 weeks is a *HUGE* achievement. Hang in there!

I caved and sent her text explaining something so she would not be worried. I asked that she not respond, which she hasn't. I guess the clock starts over. This is much harder than it should be!

Former AP ambushed me in public last weekend. Do I have to reset my clock? I had been proud of myself for being so decisive finally.

One of my favorite games was to tell myself I was in NC for one day, then two, then three....and the best part.....my AP didn't know we were in NC. It was like me playing a head game with myself. I guess I always hoped for the slow fade....maybe if I disappeared he wouldn't notice I was gone.

So, guys, as someone who took a full 18 months to finally end her affair, can I just say....
There is no 'clock'. This isn't a game where you knock down the jenga cubes and start over.
When you go off a diet, you just don't start over, you just get back on track....that's all it is......

But.....being so far out now.....out of the fog....let me lay it to you straight, this is what it comes down to....its a choice. You either continue to be in an affair or you don't. You cannot be friends, you can not 'I just need to tell them one thing...', you REALLY do have to cut all ties and move on. Not everyone is meant to be in your life forever. Think about that. And not everyone we love is good for us. Moving forward in growth is hard work.....the most difficult work I've ever done....but it became a choice.

If you are completely serious about ending your affair, not because you have to, not because its the right thing to do, not because you feel guilty or shamed, but because you have made a choice to end it for whatever reason.....you just have to continue on the path and with any path, you have setback, but as long as you are moving in the right direction you will be moving forward.

I spent 6 months tapering contact after D-day, and AP did not take it well when I finally said ENOUGH. I feel good about the decision, though.

Yep it's completely ridiculous the time we waste on making decisions necessary for our growth or well being or even someone else's.
Ultimately it comes down to you and what brings you peace.
And I know it's so hard. My regret I should have ended it when I joined this site and stuck to it.
Breakups are always hard to do- but not all relationships we have can last forever.
I wouldn't want to be laying in the Pulse nightclub thinking 'God, I should have ended that affair months ago and stuck to it'.
Life could change on a dime tomorrow, no?

Hi Abetterman. It seems like you got yourself into a state of infatuation with this woman. The more time you use your mind thinking about her, the less mind you have to focus on your wife and children. Truly if your wife found out over the emotional importance you place on a woman you know nothing about, it would completely break her heart. Not only that, you know this woman knows you are married, regardless of that, she is pursuing this. If she had strong boundaries, respect for herself, and empathy for other human beings, she would stay the hell away from you. It is up to you to protect what is truly dear to your heart, if that is your wife and kids, then open your eyes and treasure them. This woman will destroy all that is dear to you because she does not care about any of it. She does only care about the attention, thrill, fun, etc. Go no contact, not ever again. Figure out what makes you feel fulfilled within yourself. If you decide that you wish to sleep with other women. Grow a pair and tell your wife that you want an open relationship where she can also sleep with other men, or divorce her. Because anything less than those other two suggestions will cause irreparable harm to you and your family. Best of luck.

It sounds embarrassingly selfish, but I couldn't set firm boundaries with my AP (and avoid future As) and stick to them until I realized it was the only was I could be healthy and free and growing as a person. Guilt wasn't enough to make me accept an externally placed boundary on my behavior.