Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Oy.... it's been a long time since I've checked in.
6 months after Dday, and we're heading into the throat of a full-bore divorce.
6 weeks or so into a structured separation (2,000 miles apart), and it finally hit me: W had been insisting that the terms of the separation were that I seek counseling for addiction and be faithful. Reasonable enough.
After 6 sessions at Sex Addicts Anonymous, I finally concluded that the diagnosis just doesn't fit. Yes, I fooled around a lot and clearly had a philanderer's heart, but a guy who likes a glass wine once in a while isn't necessarily an alcoholic. There were other reasons too for my not resonating with as an addict: no troubled upbringing, no sense of shame, no sense of spiritual emptiness, no increase in type of behavior, no sense that the "habit" was beyond my control.
At the same moment of realizing that addiction didn't cause our problems, I suddenly realized how miserable I had been in my marriage. Like when a weight is off, you didn't realize how much it weighed you down... I think my behavior was 90% relational (very little warmth, support, affection, or affirmation). I NEVER want to go back to that old marriage.
Told W that from a selfish perspective I wanted to be free, but that from a duty perspective (to kids) I wanted to keep working, and that I didn't want to divorce. Also told her that I felt I was doing all the work, that there was no admission from her that our marriage lacked some deep and important attributes. Told her I was tired of doing this alone; was flat out of gas.
She's bereft, and I'm so sorry for her. I never wanted to be cruel. She cajoled the confession out of me saying "we were more important than anything that happened." I confessed in order to clean up my life and become closer to her. Now it's just heartache and silence.
I vacillate between immense happiness and relief to be free, and fear/sadness over losing my best friend. I've been intimate with other women already, which sort of freaks me out: am I binging?
Perfect world: She would actually answer my phone call and we would tearfully agree that we don't want to be apart, and that we want to build something brand new. I would commit to truth and fidelity and she would commit to being a warm, soft, loving wife.
She's also a brand new evangelical convert, which makes me feel I don't know her. She says, "You can't take away my God or Jesus" which completely baffles me. I'm an intensely spiritual man with a deep relationship to God, but have always been a little jaded about mainstream religion, especially the more fundamental strains (like the one she's co-opted).
Oh, what a mess. I'm so sad today; wondering if it's just "Grief leaving the body"? Running on 3-4 hours of sleep in last 2 days and I know that influences everything. Praying for rest/sleep.
Hope everyone is well; this forum is such a blessing.
6 months after Dday, and we're heading into the throat of a full-bore divorce.
6 weeks or so into a structured separation (2,000 miles apart), and it finally hit me: W had been insisting that the terms of the separation were that I seek counseling for addiction and be faithful. Reasonable enough.
After 6 sessions at Sex Addicts Anonymous, I finally concluded that the diagnosis just doesn't fit. Yes, I fooled around a lot and clearly had a philanderer's heart, but a guy who likes a glass wine once in a while isn't necessarily an alcoholic. There were other reasons too for my not resonating with as an addict: no troubled upbringing, no sense of shame, no sense of spiritual emptiness, no increase in type of behavior, no sense that the "habit" was beyond my control.
At the same moment of realizing that addiction didn't cause our problems, I suddenly realized how miserable I had been in my marriage. Like when a weight is off, you didn't realize how much it weighed you down... I think my behavior was 90% relational (very little warmth, support, affection, or affirmation). I NEVER want to go back to that old marriage.
Told W that from a selfish perspective I wanted to be free, but that from a duty perspective (to kids) I wanted to keep working, and that I didn't want to divorce. Also told her that I felt I was doing all the work, that there was no admission from her that our marriage lacked some deep and important attributes. Told her I was tired of doing this alone; was flat out of gas.
She's bereft, and I'm so sorry for her. I never wanted to be cruel. She cajoled the confession out of me saying "we were more important than anything that happened." I confessed in order to clean up my life and become closer to her. Now it's just heartache and silence.
I vacillate between immense happiness and relief to be free, and fear/sadness over losing my best friend. I've been intimate with other women already, which sort of freaks me out: am I binging?
Perfect world: She would actually answer my phone call and we would tearfully agree that we don't want to be apart, and that we want to build something brand new. I would commit to truth and fidelity and she would commit to being a warm, soft, loving wife.
She's also a brand new evangelical convert, which makes me feel I don't know her. She says, "You can't take away my God or Jesus" which completely baffles me. I'm an intensely spiritual man with a deep relationship to God, but have always been a little jaded about mainstream religion, especially the more fundamental strains (like the one she's co-opted).
Oh, what a mess. I'm so sad today; wondering if it's just "Grief leaving the body"? Running on 3-4 hours of sleep in last 2 days and I know that influences everything. Praying for rest/sleep.
Hope everyone is well; this forum is such a blessing.
...for recognizing that some of us BS are not here to bash, just to offer insight, and also to learn. I agree with your statement regarding partners not looking after each other. Seems to me if we were all better at communicating with our partners, a lot of pain could be avoided.