Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
Oy.... it's been a long time since I've checked in.
6 months after Dday, and we're heading into the throat of a full-bore divorce.
6 weeks or so into a structured separation (2,000 miles apart), and it finally hit me: W had been insisting that the terms of the separation were that I seek counseling for addiction and be faithful. Reasonable enough.
After 6 sessions at Sex Addicts Anonymous, I finally concluded that the diagnosis just doesn't fit. Yes, I fooled around a lot and clearly had a philanderer's heart, but a guy who likes a glass wine once in a while isn't necessarily an alcoholic. There were other reasons too for my not resonating with as an addict: no troubled upbringing, no sense of shame, no sense of spiritual emptiness, no increase in type of behavior, no sense that the "habit" was beyond my control.
At the same moment of realizing that addiction didn't cause our problems, I suddenly realized how miserable I had been in my marriage. Like when a weight is off, you didn't realize how much it weighed you down... I think my behavior was 90% relational (very little warmth, support, affection, or affirmation). I NEVER want to go back to that old marriage.
Told W that from a selfish perspective I wanted to be free, but that from a duty perspective (to kids) I wanted to keep working, and that I didn't want to divorce. Also told her that I felt I was doing all the work, that there was no admission from her that our marriage lacked some deep and important attributes. Told her I was tired of doing this alone; was flat out of gas.
She's bereft, and I'm so sorry for her. I never wanted to be cruel. She cajoled the confession out of me saying "we were more important than anything that happened." I confessed in order to clean up my life and become closer to her. Now it's just heartache and silence.
I vacillate between immense happiness and relief to be free, and fear/sadness over losing my best friend. I've been intimate with other women already, which sort of freaks me out: am I binging?
Perfect world: She would actually answer my phone call and we would tearfully agree that we don't want to be apart, and that we want to build something brand new. I would commit to truth and fidelity and she would commit to being a warm, soft, loving wife.
She's also a brand new evangelical convert, which makes me feel I don't know her. She says, "You can't take away my God or Jesus" which completely baffles me. I'm an intensely spiritual man with a deep relationship to God, but have always been a little jaded about mainstream religion, especially the more fundamental strains (like the one she's co-opted).
Oh, what a mess. I'm so sad today; wondering if it's just "Grief leaving the body"? Running on 3-4 hours of sleep in last 2 days and I know that influences everything. Praying for rest/sleep.
Hope everyone is well; this forum is such a blessing.
6 months after Dday, and we're heading into the throat of a full-bore divorce.
6 weeks or so into a structured separation (2,000 miles apart), and it finally hit me: W had been insisting that the terms of the separation were that I seek counseling for addiction and be faithful. Reasonable enough.
After 6 sessions at Sex Addicts Anonymous, I finally concluded that the diagnosis just doesn't fit. Yes, I fooled around a lot and clearly had a philanderer's heart, but a guy who likes a glass wine once in a while isn't necessarily an alcoholic. There were other reasons too for my not resonating with as an addict: no troubled upbringing, no sense of shame, no sense of spiritual emptiness, no increase in type of behavior, no sense that the "habit" was beyond my control.
At the same moment of realizing that addiction didn't cause our problems, I suddenly realized how miserable I had been in my marriage. Like when a weight is off, you didn't realize how much it weighed you down... I think my behavior was 90% relational (very little warmth, support, affection, or affirmation). I NEVER want to go back to that old marriage.
Told W that from a selfish perspective I wanted to be free, but that from a duty perspective (to kids) I wanted to keep working, and that I didn't want to divorce. Also told her that I felt I was doing all the work, that there was no admission from her that our marriage lacked some deep and important attributes. Told her I was tired of doing this alone; was flat out of gas.
She's bereft, and I'm so sorry for her. I never wanted to be cruel. She cajoled the confession out of me saying "we were more important than anything that happened." I confessed in order to clean up my life and become closer to her. Now it's just heartache and silence.
I vacillate between immense happiness and relief to be free, and fear/sadness over losing my best friend. I've been intimate with other women already, which sort of freaks me out: am I binging?
Perfect world: She would actually answer my phone call and we would tearfully agree that we don't want to be apart, and that we want to build something brand new. I would commit to truth and fidelity and she would commit to being a warm, soft, loving wife.
She's also a brand new evangelical convert, which makes me feel I don't know her. She says, "You can't take away my God or Jesus" which completely baffles me. I'm an intensely spiritual man with a deep relationship to God, but have always been a little jaded about mainstream religion, especially the more fundamental strains (like the one she's co-opted).
Oh, what a mess. I'm so sad today; wondering if it's just "Grief leaving the body"? Running on 3-4 hours of sleep in last 2 days and I know that influences everything. Praying for rest/sleep.
Hope everyone is well; this forum is such a blessing.
And maybe JD didn't mean to offend me but he does seem to hold the opinion that I do not belong here. it also seems to me that his FWB comment was out of line.
But that is all water under the bridge... and it is also just his opinion, which he is entitled to.
As for me, I will keep on learning and posting... :-)
Feeling safe is extremely important. Monumental. If your W has not felt safe during all this time that you have been struggling, perhaps that is why she cannot connect with you. She likely has put up walls of defense.
I think you are on the right track, eliminating other women from your life. You need to communicate this to your W, stick with it and try to make her feel safe again---perhaps that is the real key here.
I say this because one of the biggest problems in the relationship between my boyfriend and I that contributed to him feeling that his needs were not being met, and led him down the road to cheating was that he did not make me feel safe. Long story, but that was at the root of a lot of the trouble. Once he really understood that this was something I absolutely had to have, it was fairly easy to fix.
I think it's true that most CS have a self-esteem issue. I now realize through my soul-searching as to why I cheated (I know, I know, I made the choice), but I think it's good to know why one rationalized the act - I have come to realize how much I placed the love I should have given myself into the hands of my H. I later placed that into the hands of my AP when that didn't work out, looking for some kind of acceptance and validation. These posts, taken with a grain of salt of course, are so beneficial. Thank you for your candor.
That said, Timothy, I think it is important that you be selfish and think about yourself. I know you probably did that when you took your marriage for granted and stepped out. But now that you have owned up to your behavior, gone to therapy, are answering the tough questions, I think you truly need to find out what you want from your life. I say this because how long do a person stay in a marriage fighting for something when the other person takes no ownership for their contributions in the relationship? More than that, if they are invoking God before their spouse (which many Evangelicals do), where does that leave the CS?
I watched my parents swirl into self-loathing, hatred of one another, bickering, criticizing each other, disrespecting the other - never, ever seeing how 2 people in love and married SHOULD act. Is this what you want to teach your children? Them never seeing you happy, interacting with someone you love in an appropriate way (hugging, touching, holding hands, affectionate)?
Please think about that because it has affected me in a very big way as an adult.
Just my humble opinion...
But I'm hoping for best and have told her I'm willing to try. If she isn't....well, she isn't. Case closed.
The only time this type of advice bothers me is when there is a newbie who posts their story and the first post is from a BS with this kind of crap advice. The newbies are looking for a group they can be comfortable with and what do they get? ....CS bashing right out of the shoot. Makes them want to come back for more, right?
What is it with people on this forum being so negative about BS opinions? Seems a bit prevalent this week...
...and to imply that all BS and/or CS/AP/OW's all think alike is a sweeping generalization, IMHO.
I'm going through a tough time and need experience, support, and wisdom to help clear the fog. E dry but helps.
Yes, selfishness IS a piece of this puzzle; don't think anyone would convince me I was philandering for the "good of the family"...
And yes, it's probably a big piece of the BS side as well. When relationships get jackknifed, it's safe to say the partners weren't looking after each other.
Speaking of which, anyone heard from Teacher37 lately?