Egh....(new to this site and still learning my way around) I didn't see page 2 of these responses.

I'm really confused. I read his most recent email to me (sent this morning) - in which he still thinks that I am avoiding the truth and providing details.

I have started a Draft email to him - but will take my time to make sure that I have the correct wording and that my thoughts are spelled out in the way they are intended to be taken.

After we broke up, I didn't have any interest in dating (still was hoping to get back with my x)
Finally, I decided to go back to the dating site and have been on several dates...with a few very nice guys. However, I cannot get my x out of my head! I compare the others to him. I keep thinking that one of these really nice guys is the right one for me and I'll be able to move forward. But...no. It's just not happening! I am still very much in love with my x (faults and all - I have them, too....even before I cheated on him) I will never find anyone who is perfect b/c there is no such thing - but in my eyes - he is 'the one' for me.
I just don't know how serious he is in moving ahead with our relationship....especially after this much time has passed....and I know that he is dating others (I've seen his profile on the dating site as his name has come up as a match several times).

We've been officially apart for about a year and a half (but started seeing each other/and sleeping together again in August (?) and he recently took me on a 2 week vacation.I was hoping that as a result of the holiday - we would find our way back to each other on a permanent basis.

So tell us all Sarah. What exactly did you need to know? What dirty details did your BF tell you?

Kelpo,
Yes....you would think going on a 2 week vacation with you that would make one think he is ready for reconciliation.

But here it is almost 3 months later and according to your post, he is now asking for more details and he will 'consider getting back together'.
Betrayed boyfriend or not, this man is playing you. I know that's hard to hear, that's not what you want to hear, but his messages/actions, if you will, aren't consistent and can be interpreted as manipulative.
I understand there may be many reasons that after 7 1/2 years he cannot commit to a more permanent relationship, but the fact is he is not able to.
He may be 'the one' for you, but it doesn't seem he feels that way about you. He actually sounds like he is now playing with your emotions.

Frequently in adult children who have been abused sexually, they are in relationships where they are 'trying to please', they are in relationships where they enable and jump through hoops to make the other person happy. They are careful with their words and actions because they think this will please their partner and they are afraid to upset them. They make excuses for the person treating them poorly. You did that in your first post: "He mildly sexually abused me for years". Women that were sexually abused ARE more likely to enter into extramarital or casual sex relationships. Its a fact. So the betrayed boyfriends/spouses/girlfriends that say there is no 'excuse' to ever cheat......well they clearly have never walked in your shoes. Girlfriend, what happened to you was the perfect storm. You were ultimately betrayed by a man who was to always have your back.
If, for whatever reason, you want to salvage whatever relationship you have with this man, you really need to tell him this. Because your history is going to effect your adult relationships especially since you haven't gotten formal help to work through that.

I think you have a choice...and get his input if you will.....what are the chances of this becoming anything again? How committed are you to me now? Do you want to work on this? If he tells you you are the most important part of his life and he wants nothing more than to share it with you now and forever, but needs help to work through these things, then suggest premarital counseling for both of you. You stated he was a successful businessman, so have him pay for it......and tell him your history. That can change the direction. But you have to tell him. But see how he answers the question first.

As you stated this is a support group and there are many different opinions, personally I would cut my losses and move on. Go NC with him. Give him his space he needs. Don't cower to him. Tell him you are letting him work on things, you are going to do the same, and if wants to do that together great, but if not, you aren't getting any younger and you want to enter your later years in a trusting, mutually respectable relationship, non emotionally abusive relationship. If it was meant to be, he'll be back.

And yes, you will find someone who will value you, is fallible and has made mistakes and learned from them, and appreciates the time they spend with you, is able to show it freely, and wants to commit fully to you. I did and so have so many of us.

Good luck to you.

Shoretime,

I thank you for your message. It is well thought out and makes sense in so many ways.

You're right. I need to ask him those questions. Why would I put everything on the line - risk telling him everything - if he has no desire to work on things TOGETHER!

Regarding your questions:

1) What are the chances of this becoming anything again? (I think he will say it will take time to know and we'll have to wait it out and see)
2) How committed to me are you? (I don't know if he'll have an answer to that. As I said - he is dating others so it depends on how well that's going for him. Which would also determine how he answers question #1)
3) Do you want to work on this? (I think he'll tell me that it's something that I need to work on first. I need to figure myself out....fix myself, make changes. This is where it comes in that he thinks I should tell him everything openly and honestly)

That's just what I think..I could be wrong.

If he does want to work on it with me then I think he should stop dating others and focus on 'us' otherwise, he may just keep dating until he thinks he has found someone more compatible to him than I am. And therefore is just stringing me along, as suggested.

Your input is valued....thank you!

It really has helped to have people to talk to about this!!

Kelpo, I am glad that you appreciate my replies and point of view. :-)

I think you are right in believing that if your boyfriend truly wants to work on rebuilding the relationship with you that he needs to stop dating others and focus on just the two of you. You cannot allow him to string you along; you should not disclose the personal stuff he wants to know until you guys have resolved to work on your relationship--just the two of you, without third parties and dating around involved. But once you guys decide to become exclusive again, I think that needs to change. Perhaps the two of you can come to some sort of agreement as to what would be in your comfort zones as far as you sharing personal information about the A to him. I don't know--sounds like you have a lot of talking to do.

I am trying to share what I have learned and it seems to really get under the skin of some others on here. I am sorry for you that they seem to once again have instigated an off topic mess. But that is a trend on this forum, I am learning.

The strange thing is, I agree with much of what some of them post, but they seem to want to put me into a box where I am giving out nothing but bad advice.....it is like their minds cannot grasp that we all can learn from one another, and that nobody is locked into taking anyone's advice on here. Not only that, they do not know me and they sure are acting like they do. Several very erroneous things have been posted just today, things about me, things they have no idea about.

And Clover, do you seriously think I would tell you or anyone else on here specific intimate details of my boyfriend's affair? Surely you are not serious. My best friends do not even know that stuff!

And yes, Shore, she was an OW----your post really minimized what really went on. Again, you guys have no idea.....seems that some of you are sure grasping at straws in order to go on the attack. Sad.

There are two kinds of BS's. Those that want all the details and those that don't. When my H cheated on me I wanted every damn detail. And those details haunted me for years to come. Every f'ing one of them. Having all the details was my attempt to create the illusion that I had control over a situation wherein I had zero control. I further felt that if I "knew" everything I could catch him or outsmart him if he continued the affair after DD. What rubbish. I have since had occasions where I suspected he might be cheating again. I can tell you with all honesty that I DO NOT want all the details. I don't want to burden my mind with the details of his possible A. I have cheated too. I know what it looks like. I know what it feels like. I know what it tastes like. The knowledge of the things that went on between my AP and myself would not be helpful to my H and/or his recovery. What is helpful is 1) is it over; and, 2) are you committed to saving the marriage.

Sarah I'm pretty over your responses, as well. It's the same thing ebery time. I think we know better how to answer the questions and concerns of a CS.

You and I corresponded on this forum at length, so of course you heard some of what I said before. You even had positive things to say about my input at one time. Just because you already know my take on things, it does not mean that everyone does. We all have our take on things, Wresting is an example. Though her experience when learning the details was not the same as mine, that does not negate the validity of what she has to say. It seems that these forums should be about offering different points of view, learning from each other's experiences, not about attacking each other's posts. The forum makes it clear that no bashing is allowed by BS who post, and that they should be supportive, but what about the opposite? It says BS are welcome here if they are being nice....so is this true or not???

Wow.. I have not checked in here in awhile.. You guys got some shit going on here.. !

Yeah, and a lot of it is SO incorrect---

as in.....

"Sarah would have you take out an Ad in the local paper admitting you are a cheating whore. She is definitely not on "our" side."

I would love to see where I said that the OP should tell anybody any details other than what her boyfriend says he needs to know. Big difference.

Can you even read, JD???

Well, that was fun reading.

To answer the original question - - hell to the N-O details are not necessary. If details were necessary I would most definitely be in the middle of a messy divorce/custody agreement (battle) - - not rebuilding my marriage and my sanity from the ground up. ANY therapist worth a damn will agree with me. Details do nothing but cause pain and build an emotional ammo pile. But this is nothing that hasn't already been said; just my additional 2 pesos.

Good luck. Maybe it's time to tell the BF to move on from this "pain".. then shit, or get off the proverbial pot.

P&D -

I told my xBF a lot already (1 1/2 yrs ago when the cheating was discovered)
But he still wants more details.
He was asking for very explicit information.
Much of what I told him when he initially asked.
I would have thought it best NOT to tell him - and I'm surprised that any person who was betrayed would want all the details...but he says for any chance (and recently he said 'slim' chance) of reconciliation - I would have to divulge ALL.
In doing so, I am 'owning it'
I've given him my sincerest apologies and have sent many emails - which he says is not enough.

So, his requests are:
#1 - to divulge all explicit info to him (I told him a lot of information already)
#2 - to tell my parents and my grown kids
#3 - he has implied that he wants to see email exchanges and text messages, too.
I've deleted all but there may be a way to recover them.

Doing the above, shows him that I am 'owning it'
He compares it to an alcoholic not being able to admit that they have a problem. The first step is to overcoming it - is to admit it (own it)

But believe me....I HAVE owned it!! Over and over again and from the bottom of my heart I regret getting involved with another man and ruining my relationship with my BF.
I just wish he could see that, accept it and move forward.

Kelpo:

This came to mind yesterday and I did not get around to posting it because of all that was going on but I have a question. Do you and your ex-BF ever talk on the phone or in person? Or is it just e-mails etc.?

The reason I ask this is because part of the problems within the relationship I had with my boyfriend was that we did NOT talk on the phone or in person much about the issues in our relationship, rather it was e-mails.

Only post-A, when we did start talking instead of sending messages back and forth, were we able to get to the bottom of things, gain (much) insight, and really begin to heal and to understand each other.

Both of us learned the hard way that these real conversations were very very important--we learned that e-mails were not the way to go to achieve the closeness and understanding that we truly needed. In our case, this was HUGE. Perhaps it could make a difference in your relationship too.

You have definitely owned it. Sarah has a good point - it's easy to be demanding and somewhat inconsiderate of feelings via writing. If he's making these demands to you in person - can actually tell them to your face - is this a relationship you really want anyway? Seems pretty mean to me.

Kelpo:

Your BF needs to see a psychologist because 99.9% of them will tell him that the only questions that need to be answered are

1) Is it over? and

2) Do you REALLY want to be with me and work at restoring our relationship?

That is it. Nothing else. Otherwise the questions never end and the likewise the hurt never ends.

Sarah: I get what you are saying with regards to your situation and how full disclosure was essential. BUT lets be real here (and I really to appreciate and respect you) from what you have said, your BF's betrayal DID NOT include him putting his penis into her vagina or her swallowing his cum as he ejaculated into her mouth.

Sorry to be so crude here, but those are the details that I think these folks here are referring to and those details that are too much to bear for the person that has to share them and the person that has to hear them. Again sorry to be so crude and Sarah I do appreciate your participation here but this it what most of us are talking about when we mean details . . . those are not the type of details that need to be discussed.