Hi Kelpo

Welcome to the group. My H was the same and still is wants to know every last detail to the T.. Most of which i cant remember or i will remember in bits and pieces. As the Physical bit ended end 2012/jan 2013. The worst mistake i could have made though is when i told him about the A i told him only half of the truth there were things i lied about or ommitted because i didnt want to hurt me further- this backfired when he contacted my ex-APs wife and she confirmed more things... This hurt him even more because not only did i deceive once which he was unaware of but now continued to lie to his face. He told me that had i been honest we would have been in a different place now and he would have just the A to deal with now he cant trust me at all:( it's been almost 5 months since i told him... Seems a lot longer.. My advice, just be upfront if u can. Hope this helps..

*him (not me)

I agree with emptybuthopeful. Do not hide anything. Part of the healing process for me was (I am was cheated on, not the one that did the cheating who has been through this type of thing) knowing exactly what all did go on. And actually, my situation was similar to yours, empty, except that the OW in my case contacted me seeking to tear my boyfriend and I apart by telling me things, and sending me copies of all their e-mails. All I can say is that it was a good thing that he had shared everything with me, because one detail in particular probably would have caused me to leave him had he not told me about it, painful as it had been for him.

Because I knew everything, it put the OW in a much less powerful position. Of course she did not know that---and what ended up happening is that she cut her own throat with her act of vengeance. If she were the last woman on the earth after all that, I am positively sure that my boyfriend would never return to her. She did show her true colors.

You never know what could happen down the road, what your ex-AP might be capable of. Honesty is the best policy. Transparency is very very important.

Kelpo, to me, being honest and transparent and answering all his questions (and even volunteering potentially damaging stuff you are not asked about) is WAY more important than it is to tell your parents, kids etc (putting more people through things). I honestly don't know why you would have to tell anyone else about it. Is there a reason why your boyfriend thinks this will help?

I completely completely disagree with Sarah.....and, in fact, I think if you give him that information he may only use it against you.

To be clear,this man is her BOYFRIEND of 6 years and hasn't forgiven her in a year an a half. What does that tell you about his commitment level to her? And, the fact that he pokes fun of her to the point where it disturbs her and wants her to tell her family.....there is something more to this story.

I agree, there most likely is something more to this story, and I would certainly not tolerate him telling me that I have to tell other people, or the poking fun part. Those things, for me would be dealbreakers.

But perhaps he has had trouble forgiving her because she has not shown him that she really wants things to work out by trying to help him find peace with all that went on. I could see it taking a year and a half to truly forgive someone if they appeared to have an attitude that I was uncomfortable with. I think there are probably some unknowns here in that department, on both sides.

There are always two sides to every story.

Is there a limit on amount of posting, JD?
And, if so, what is that limit?
And who is the person who enforces such limit?
Are there fines and/or ramifications involved?
And how severe are these penalties?

Tell the truth.

heehee--you are quite funny!

This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.

If Kelpo tells all the dirty details of the "sex", she can kiss this R goodbye. No CS should ever tell all. Sarah, your advise is what would be best for you, not her.

But Sarah.....you aren't a spouse. nor have you ever been.....with all due respect...It really, really is different....You know those words, before God....."I pledge you my love and fidelity", "forsaking all others"......some people choose that level of commitment some do not. There is a difference.

To many, like your "OW" (which to be clear, was she really an 'other woman' when she was really just having a texting/email exchange with your boyfriend for 2 weeks?), a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship is just that....the level of commitment is not there OR there would be a commitment. And your OW probably felt that way and yes, was trying to put the make on your boyfriend. Fair game. And she probably interpreted his communication/opening up to her as an interest. I'm not saying how she later handled was correct, but that IS how cheating starts.

In a marriage, a real marriage, it doesn't matter who said 'I love you' first...that's all incidentals. What matters is the level of commitment and like you did say, communication. She identified that he was holding back from her in intimacy...so she looked elsewhere. You were holding back on emotional intimacy, he found it elsewhere. Like she said, it happens. Yes, your boyfriend should have said, "sarah, you aren't meeting my emotional needs" but really, do men talk like that? And maybe she should have said, "So and So..I need you to be more intimate with me"....and you know what.....it doesn't always work....Just because you ask for something doesn't mean you are going to get it.

I will say one thing, I felt very strongly today that she should not tell her adult children. You aren't a mom Sarah. That would serve NO GOOD for her to tell her children. What purpose would that serve and what kind of man would even suggest that as well as tell her 'mommy and (sic) daddy'.

The first thing she mentioned in her posts was that she was a victim of child sexual abuse. This is different Sarah. I will not give anything away, but I this changes everything. It is NOT a simple cheating episode where you or any of us can give our simplistic advice. There are very, very deep routed psychological factors in that. She needs to work through before anything else because her life relationships ARE effected by that. Period. I'm sure your doctor boyfriend would agree with me. Ask him.

Kelpo.....I sincerely apologize we hijacked this post with this nonsense.
You seem to want to make a go with your boyfriend....he said, "give him all the details and you MIGHT have a slim chance of getting back together". That's manipulation. He, himself, doesn't sound like he's all that. If you insist you want him for whatever reason, I'd make something up, hell we could write it out for you because by asking you to do all this, he's bribing you or attempting to control you for whatever reason and I wouldn't trust him.

Completely agree with Clover......if she insists on telling because she is so manipulated by this man......make something up. Lie. We do it well.......

Good one Shore. You are amazing.

I agree that it might not be the advice for her, but it was definitely what I needed as one who was betrayed, and her boyfriend likely needs the same, because he has expressed that. I needed to know what happened. Exactly. I needed that in order to trust again. And I got more info than I had planned on, but at least he was honest, and in the end, him having told me that saved our relationship. As in, it was much better that I heard it from him and not the OW!! So I am speaking from experience here.

As you know it is up to Kelpo to decide what to do, but had I heard the detail of my BF's A that I am referring to from the OW when she tried to break us up two months later, she would have succeeded.
Any trust that I had for him would have been broken, and I would have left the relationship. Him being upfront with me took away the power of the OW in my case. It saved our relationship.

And Shore, you are way off in your assessment of me.....and I did not say she should tell her adult children or her family!

I do know something about being a mother, sexual abuse, etc. etc. And there was a bit more to my BF's A than what you know....privacy, you know??

I did not come in on the last raindrop! Why do you folks think that???

Sarah,

Just to clarify....I appreciate your thoughts and replies!!

This site is a good place for people to free their minds and seek advice and insight from others who have 'been there'.
A place to unburden the load!!

It's what I needed.


(6 yrs. - still BF/GF - we have our reasons and they are irrelevant to what this discussion board is all about)