Cheaters Anonymous Community Group
This is a support group for cheating spouses looking for understanding and strength. Betrayed spouses are welcome to post ONLY if they can do so in a supportive manner (no bashing...these posts will be deleted), and please do not comment on 'Cheaters Only' posts.
I think my story is typical in some aspects but is also different than many of the stories I've read on other boards. What stands out different for me is that I have no marital difficulties to speak of. My wife and I have had a loving marriage for almost 10 years. Our sex life is great and we have three beautiful daughters. She's just as beautiful as the day I met her. I don't resent her or hate her for any reason. I love her very deeply and would be devastated if she found out about my "other" life and left me. I'd especially be despondent if I lost my daughters (who would probably grow up hating me). So much of my time is spent soul searching and asking myself why I do it when I have such a perfect family and loving wife? Why risk it all?
My affair started rather innocuously with a long time female friend who I used to work with years ago. I had since moved out of state, but we kept in friendly contact over the past few years by Facebook. One night her husband beat her up in front of their young son. She immediately packed up and left him and filed for divorce. So we started bonding over her experience with me giving her advice where I could and encouraging her to be strong, providing emotional support, etc. This went on for a few months until one business trip took me through her city and we agreed to meet for dinner. A bottle of wine ended up leading me to where I am today...over a year later. I find myself deeply in love with her but I have no intention or desire to leave my wife. I made that very clear up front and she was fine with it. I asked her once how she could be so "fine" with it and she said rather matter of factly, "with you I get to have occasional companionship and intimacy and yet I can also have my freedom. It's perfect for me." (her ex was terribly controlling) So even though I want to eventually figure out a way to "stop," I guess I have no incentive to because it feels like I have the perfect situation. My married life is great, I have a girlfriend in another state that I get to spend about 4-5 days with every 1-2 months, the girlfriend isn't even demanding that I leave my wife, and she's also fine with the limited amount of time I can spend with her. Sometimes she'll also travel with me on my business trips and we've even managed a couple of weekend vacation getaways with just the two of us. Once we part we're back to our separate lives and have little contact in between until the next opportunity we have to be together. I ask myself, "what sane man would give this up willingly?"
Throughout my soul searching (and even in talking with a counselor), I've arrived at a couple likely culprits that have caused me to do this. First, before the kids arrived, I was an adrenaline junky that was in to all manner of thrill sports. Skydiving, mountain climbing, rock climbing, you name it I probably did it. But when the kids came, all that came to a halt. Having an affair was one outlet for me to experience a different sort of "thrill." The second reason is likely my childhood. For various reasons I grew up with significant self esteem issues and even as an adult I was always looking for validation from others. The fact that this gorgeous single woman wanted to jump in to bed with me, despite knowing I was married and would never leave my wife, was and is an incredible ego boost. The falling in love part wasn't part of the plan, but we don't always get to choose how our emotions work.
So where's the endgame? I'd like us to be together for a long time, but I know that's not realistic. What is most likely to happen is that eventually she's going to meet a nice young man who is going to be able to provide the emotional connection on a more continual basis than I can and will be able to provide the financial stability that she and her son need. When that happens, I've told her, you need to be able to let me go and I'll wish you well. I'd be torn up inside for a long while, but I'm smart enough and I love her enough to know it would be much better than what she has in our relationship. My wife finding out is another way it comes to an end, but that's not likely to happen since she's in another state and we only see each other during business travel.
My affair started rather innocuously with a long time female friend who I used to work with years ago. I had since moved out of state, but we kept in friendly contact over the past few years by Facebook. One night her husband beat her up in front of their young son. She immediately packed up and left him and filed for divorce. So we started bonding over her experience with me giving her advice where I could and encouraging her to be strong, providing emotional support, etc. This went on for a few months until one business trip took me through her city and we agreed to meet for dinner. A bottle of wine ended up leading me to where I am today...over a year later. I find myself deeply in love with her but I have no intention or desire to leave my wife. I made that very clear up front and she was fine with it. I asked her once how she could be so "fine" with it and she said rather matter of factly, "with you I get to have occasional companionship and intimacy and yet I can also have my freedom. It's perfect for me." (her ex was terribly controlling) So even though I want to eventually figure out a way to "stop," I guess I have no incentive to because it feels like I have the perfect situation. My married life is great, I have a girlfriend in another state that I get to spend about 4-5 days with every 1-2 months, the girlfriend isn't even demanding that I leave my wife, and she's also fine with the limited amount of time I can spend with her. Sometimes she'll also travel with me on my business trips and we've even managed a couple of weekend vacation getaways with just the two of us. Once we part we're back to our separate lives and have little contact in between until the next opportunity we have to be together. I ask myself, "what sane man would give this up willingly?"
Throughout my soul searching (and even in talking with a counselor), I've arrived at a couple likely culprits that have caused me to do this. First, before the kids arrived, I was an adrenaline junky that was in to all manner of thrill sports. Skydiving, mountain climbing, rock climbing, you name it I probably did it. But when the kids came, all that came to a halt. Having an affair was one outlet for me to experience a different sort of "thrill." The second reason is likely my childhood. For various reasons I grew up with significant self esteem issues and even as an adult I was always looking for validation from others. The fact that this gorgeous single woman wanted to jump in to bed with me, despite knowing I was married and would never leave my wife, was and is an incredible ego boost. The falling in love part wasn't part of the plan, but we don't always get to choose how our emotions work.
So where's the endgame? I'd like us to be together for a long time, but I know that's not realistic. What is most likely to happen is that eventually she's going to meet a nice young man who is going to be able to provide the emotional connection on a more continual basis than I can and will be able to provide the financial stability that she and her son need. When that happens, I've told her, you need to be able to let me go and I'll wish you well. I'd be torn up inside for a long while, but I'm smart enough and I love her enough to know it would be much better than what she has in our relationship. My wife finding out is another way it comes to an end, but that's not likely to happen since she's in another state and we only see each other during business travel.
I must say before I begin this in now way is this meant negatively towards you. I was involved in a long-term affair for years with a man about ten years younger than me. We were both married...and both "happy" when we met. We became the best of friends and both felt we were each others soulmates. Everything blew up years ago when his wife found out as well as my husband. We both stayed in our marriages and then one day I got an email about how he couldn't get over me and would always love me, etc. I felt exactly the same way. In fact, I still love him. I feel I always will. But, the fall out from the affair was horrible and took years to get over (still struggle with this). He really loved the thrill of meeting in half-way public places and doing really risky things. He seemed to get bored very easily with everything after a while. He is very intelligent and did many of the activities you described.
It is true that you can't control who you love, but looking back I see that we looked at the affair very differently. I fell head over heels for this man and thought he was my soulmate. I was devastated. At the same time, I did love my husband and wanted to stay true to my vows. For a while we were both very sad. He tried many times to meet me telling me he couldn't get over me...but, now I realize it was the sex he couldn't get over. His wife struggled with her weight and tried everything she could to make him happy. I told him that although I loved him very much i just couldn't go down that road because I needed and wanted to do the right thing. Especially after I had hurt so many. I say all of this to say that I found out recently he is involved with, yet another coworker. A mutual friend saw him with someone and so did I. Literally saw him and his new OW. I felt like i had been stabbed in the heart. Of course, I was wrong in what I did so i have NO right to pass judgement. I realized at that moment it was the thrill he loved, the secret naughty sex with someone new. At that moment, I realized even if we would have ended up together he would have cheated on me as well. I have been very careful to not get close to anyone, even as a friend because I realized what could happen.
He told me at one point that he knew he was a very flawed person, and that there was no reason at all to cheat on his wife. He said he really loved her and they went on to have a son who is a couple of years old. From what I can tell, it seems very much the same as what you are describing. A longing, eating feeling of wanting that on the side because his normal life became mundane.
Women become very emotionally attached, and when they have affairs I believe it really does start out as an emotional attachment and then the "he swept me off my feet". She will eventually probably not be ok with this situation even though right now she acts like she is. If she really loves you, she will grow very dissatisfied with this. It will happen I am sure. I know this is great for you in your mind, but you really are playing with fire. I know from experience when all hell breaks loose, and your wife finds out......it will be the most painful thing you can imagine. Please try to talk to someone and end this with her.
"Moving to your W - believe me, you don't want your A ending because she finds out. Once she does (and an intuition is not the same as fully knowing about something), there is simply no way back. Trust is broken. Your relationship as it is now will be gone. You may still be able to save parts of it, or to rebuild it into a new relationship, but that "perfect marriage" will be just dead."
Is losing your loving marriage and all that goes with that really worth it??? That is the question you need to ask yourself, because someday you will be faced with heartbreak if you continue.
Us cheaters like to please ourselves too much, with the thrill and getting what we want..
Good luck.
And it's particularly challenging because if you were grieving anything else, you would have support of your friends, etc..... But grieving an A is usually done in secrecy.
We are here for you. We all know plenty of tools that have helped us to move forward.